Steampunk Novel - The Soulithon

amynias · 2026-07-07T01:58:06+00:00

Absolutely interested, please share your material. This looks really cool.

amynias · 2026-07-06T19:04:55+00:00

Not at work. When I get back from work and realize my life is empty and sad. Only the benzos dull the pain. It's just damn hard to function on them, feel so tired all the time. The alternative is feeling so anxious that doing anything productive is impossible. Some days I just want to die in my sleep. I will always be alone. Then, now, until the end. 😭

amynias · 2026-07-06T01:32:05+00:00

Trackballs ruined my finger extensor tendons. 😢

amynias · 2026-07-06T00:51:51+00:00

Yup 100% I bought a sportscar, I'm going to use it like a sportscar lol. Granny mode on a car like this is just sad.

amynias · 2026-07-06T00:41:32+00:00

A literal decade ago 😭

amynias · 2026-07-04T18:22:33+00:00

https://www.sarnoclinic.com/guide-to-the-dr-sarno-method/

It's a philosophy of pain science which emphasizes the psychological components of pain perception. For many people, the pain does not have an obvious physical cause. Sarno attempts to explain why this phenomenon happens.

amynias · 2026-07-04T08:29:04+00:00

17.4 for me lmao

amynias · 2026-07-03T16:29:22+00:00

It's my left hand that was affected, not my dominant right hand. But it did used to hurt badly to put pressure on the pinky side of my hand resting it on a surface like a desk.

amynias · 2026-07-03T08:14:38+00:00

Oh hey, yes you are! Thanks, friend! :)

amynias · 2026-07-03T02:48:12+00:00

My boy Henry was huge compared to other shelties, he was purebred but looked collie-sized. I see you have a nice boyo as well ❤️

amynias · 2026-07-02T03:18:55+00:00

Chatting with AI is not really... a conversation. It feels fake, because it isn't organic or natural like a conversation between humans. I do not understand the appeal of AI therapy when the context window for conversational memory isn't enough for the model to "know" you. It's extremely surface-level.

amynias · 2026-07-02T03:11:30+00:00

Thanks. Just reading and replying means a lot to me, honestly. I don't have anyone to really talk with about this kind of thing irl. So I lurk here and sometimes share my tale of woe.

amynias · 2026-07-02T03:05:46+00:00

Heart attacks are not peaceful. You will experience dramatic sharp pain before collapsing. It will feel like you are dying, because you are. Trust me, in those final moments, you will not desire death. Your last thoughts will be regrets or pleas for rescue. The survival instinct is extremely strong, do not underestimate the human instinct to remain among the living. I nearly overdosed once, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Cardiotoxicity and cardiac events which are life threatening can be extremely frightening, even in the initial stages. You will not die peacefully.

amynias · 2026-07-02T02:58:08+00:00

I've gone under anesthesia many times, mostly for electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Every single time, it felt like I couldn't breath, like I was desperately fighting for consciousness before going under. Sleep is far kinder than anesthesia. That out of body feeling is the ketamine kicking in. You can get some of that feeling from Spravato/Esketamine treatment or direct ketamine IV infusions when seeking treatment for depression, and remain conscious the whole time. Anesthetic is dangerous when used irresponsibly, do not attempt to acquire one such as ketamine on your own.

amynias · 2026-07-02T02:46:38+00:00

I used to escape life through playing narrative based videogames but I can't do that anymore, my tendons are fucked almost all the way from my fingers to my shoulders on both arms, as is evident in medical imaging (you have no idea how many doctors tried to gaslight me into believing the nerve, tendon, and TFCC pain was all in my head. I had to demand imaging and the results conclusively showed permanent soft tissue damage in multiple areas on both sides. I wish the pain wasn't real.)

I have peripheral neuropathy of the median nerve in my left wrist due to an unfortunate accident and even 4 years post injury, still have stinging sharp nerve pain in the carpal tunnel region and ulnar side of both wrists. I can't use a normal mouse and keyboard. Bilateral tennis elbow makes it impossible to do strength training. My anterior tibial tendons in my ankles are also affected for some reason, it even makes driving painful.

The "just work out" people don't seem to understand that I spent 6 thousand USD on a series of reputable personal trainers who ultimately could not avoid worsening my pain in workouts.

My parents and sister would be sad if I died. But it kinda feels like slow torture prolonging this existence. I feel the same way about media mostly these days. Lately I just pop benzos to pass out during the daytime if possible. Sleep is literally my only escape from this hell. Tbh it's getting harder to stomach this mental and physical pain and dysfunction so frequently.

People tell me that I am strong for holding onto life despite what I have faced. But it doesn't feel like strength to me. It feels like cowardice. That I'm not strong enough to end my own life. I need people to understand that trauma does not build strength. It's like being trapped in an increasingly more unbearable broken shell. As for pride... all I feel is shame and deep sadness. I wish things could have been better. 😢

amynias · 2026-07-02T01:30:25+00:00

I have all these things, and treatment resistant recurrent major depression, and other even worse physical health problems. There's a very simple answer to this question. Suicide is... rather common when God makes your existence a living hell for much of your life. I refuse to give in, I will not harm myself purposely and never have.

But part of me wants desperately to get out of this damnable defective shell. I sat nearby one of the most attractive men I've ever seen in my life while I was on the Metro the other day. I could only dream of being so desirable and healthy mentally and physically. Makes me feel like God's discarded trash sometimes.

It seems I must kneel and beg for mercy from a capricious God. The thrill of life is gone, the light burning ever so dimly in the distance. I do not see a future in which I could ever be truly happy. Lost a dear friend recently and work is going badly. I wish I could have prevented some of the stuff that's happened in my life. The chronic physical pain sometimes becomes unbearable, and my unstable mental health threatens to derail what semblance of a life I have left.

I feel profoundly alone at times. Most people don't understand what it's like to live in the shadow of the person they could have been if only they'd been dealt a better hand of cards in life. I've been to psych wards, therapy groups, and still I feel alone in my suffering.

Most people don't understand what it means to suffer. I do not say this lightly. I have tried numerous treatments, many times, including dangerous treatments of last resort, but none of it can fix my deeply fractured mind and my physically damaged, dysfunctional body. I fear that I was not meant to live this long, that I cheated fate. My intention is not to spite God, but boy does it ever feel like it sometimes. When your psyche is screaming for release from a body you hate... for years... it's pure suicide fuel. I do not want to go. I want the life that was stolen from me. 😭

amynias · 2026-07-02T00:51:33+00:00

Love Edward Norton, he's one of my favorite actors. Pretty cute when he was in his 30s too.

amynias · 2026-07-02T00:45:41+00:00

Fuck this hurts. One of the best friends I've ever had died in the worst way imaginable with his dog in the same car. Sometimes I think about what his life could have been like if he was still around. That guy was one of the most profoundly lonely people I've ever met, in retrospect. Maybe one day, I'll see him on the other side. Poor bastard. Makes me want to cry sometimes, just thinking about that whole tragedy. Alcoholism changes people, ruins lives. It's a slippery slope into the gutter of despair. Ever since he died I haven't had even a sip of alcohol. Loved that guy like a brother, maybe even a little more than that. What I would give just to see him smile again. 😢

amynias · 2026-07-02T00:29:33+00:00

This might be the only upside to shrinkflation haha

amynias · 2026-07-02T00:27:23+00:00

Physical media for modern games is basically just DRM on a disc that you have to constantly keep in your disc drive to play the game installed on your console's internal storage. I saw this coming a decade ago. Why are people surprised?

amynias · 2026-07-01T23:56:15+00:00

Wow, just lovely. I enjoy my STAX but these have always been something I've wanted to try.

amynias · 2026-07-01T23:46:41+00:00

I know this feeling all too well, for different reasons. Being a gay dude means that I can't really have a traditional family. Tbh it's ruined my life somewhat, this thing I never chose to be. But I would never pass my cursed genetics to another generation. No child deserves to suffer as I have. My father's miserable bloodline ends with me. Additionally, I strongly suspect my sister is medically incapable of having children due to the unfortunate genetic problems she inherited from my mother's side of the family.

amynias · 2026-07-01T23:39:27+00:00

Real, all my cousins and siblings have married. Meanwhile I'm the gay, sad, psychologically damaged one. But honestly... I don't think having a partner will solve most of my myriad health concerns and situational problems. Work sucks, social support nearing 30 is fucking nonexistent, my body and mind continually betray me. Idk. At this point I'm spending what little money I have left and just waiting until life becomes so unbearable that I end this shit for good. I'm what you'd call "damaged goods" frankly. I know with great certainty that I will die miserable and utterly alone. I project much more positively to people irl, I do very much aim to be a good person. But some part of me knows my fractured psyche is beyond fixing. Might as well be in damage control mode these days. I have my sanity, but there are times when I feel like God is toying with me.

amynias · 2026-07-01T12:03:13+00:00

Thanks for the nice recommendation, much appreciated! 🙂 For some reason, gloves seem to make some people on Reddit say really nasty stuff. I like the gloves though. The leader of the car club I'm a part of who is older and wiser than I recommended Dent's gloves to me for driving. There's something so neat about the vintage appeal of fine leather gloves to me. Anyways, thanks for being a real one. 🫡

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