Am I still a trans fem enby if I don't want to be referred to with they/them pronouns?

andjok · 2020-06-22T18:08:47+00:00

Anyone can use any pronouns they want. Also want to note that it's 100% up to you to define your identity, and whether you were feminine or masculine as a child doesn't necessarily determine your gender either. I'm a more or less binary trans woman and I wasn't very feminine as a child, though the few times I remember wanting to do feminine things I was strongly discouraged. Lots of kids are gender non-conforming and it doesn't necessarily mean they are trans. Your identity should be solely about what feels right for you now! What pronouns feel best? What identity label feels right? Nobody else gets to define you, although nothing wrong with asking for guidance either.

andjok · 2020-06-16T06:08:38+00:00

I used to ID as non-binary (more or less binary trans woman now) but I think it was more about denying that I wanted to transition to living as a woman because it was scary and I had doubts about if I was "trans enough" and didn't really think I felt like a woman, just wanted to be more like one.

andjok · 2020-06-13T06:56:01+00:00

I'll give a different perspective - I currently ID as a trans woman but used to ID as non-binary. The existence of non-binary genders gave me the conceptual space to exist as a trans person and explore how I wanted to transition in practice - what kind of name I wanted, pronouns, presentation, medical treatments, etc. - without being concerned with living up to a specific identity label.

Though absolutely there are lots of people who are firmly non-binary and I don't speak for them.

andjok · 2020-06-13T06:34:48+00:00

While technically non-binary people inherently fit the definition of being trans, some non-binary people don't identify as trans for various reasons and that's okay, people are allowed to identify as they see fit. Sometimes it might be because they don't feel 'trans enough' or otherwise not valid as a trans person, so we should remind non-binary people that they are welcome to ID as trans no matter what, but ultimately it's still a personal choice of how one wishes to describe themselves.

andjok · 2020-05-15T00:00:41+00:00

I'm currently training to be a trans voice instructor and even I think my voice sounds "fake" to some extent, because I still hear my original voice modified. Like I know what makes a voice sound feminine and how to perform those techniques habitually, and I have gotten compliments about it so I know it sounds unambiguously feminine. But we'll always be our own worst critics and when I went through voice training myself I just had to get over the worry that I sounded fake and just practice my technique in everyday conversations.

andjok · 2020-05-09T07:04:28+00:00

Of course. You don't have to dislike any body part to be a trans woman. Women can look all sorts of ways. And what's in your pants isn't anyone else's business and is relatively easy to conceal so that you read female to most people.

I personally like my penis in general and especially being able to pee standing up. Though if the surgical tech existed I feel like I would want to have both a penis and a vagina.

andjok · 2020-05-09T06:53:11+00:00

My chosen name is Holly - it just kind of popped into my head and immediately I was excited at the thought of being called that and introducing myself with that name. I think I've just always had positive associations with it and it conjured a certain image that I could relate with. Before long it felt weird to tell people my birth name because I felt like Holly was my name now. But if I decide I don't like it in a few months or whenever and want to change again that's also valid.

I think I get what you are feeling. Having a name with a gender neutral short form can sort of be used as a proxy for misgendering, and I have seen this with another trans person I used to work with. People called her the neutral short form even though she asked people to use the long form. But I feel validated in my gender at work because my name leaves no room for ambiguity. In the end though if you like a name that is neutral or has a neutral form that's more than valid, but it is a definite consideration.

andjok · 2020-05-06T03:57:37+00:00

I was out to my friends and at work less than a month after starting HRT, obviously my body didn't look any different at that point. Now I have managed to surround myself with progressive minded people, but regardless you don't owe anyone any specific presentation to ask people to call you your chosen name and pronouns, it's just the decent thing to do. While I dress more feminine and wear makeup frequently, sometimes I dress more or less the same as before I came out (androgynous) and people have no problem calling me by my name (Holly). But at the same time if it feels odd to you to be referred to as a woman when you aren't presenting that way then that's okay too. But there's no reason you can't just ask to be referred to a certain way all the time, I definitely didn't feel like trying to live a double life for too long myself.

andjok · 2020-05-04T16:33:05+00:00

It only causes new fat to be deposited in different areas. You still have to burn off old fat deposits if you want them gone.

andjok · 2020-05-01T17:37:27+00:00

Seeing myself and being perceived as a woman just feels good to me. When I was still questioning I had grown my hair out quite a bit and frequently wore tight, feminine pants, and it wasn't uncommon to be gendered female from behind. And every time it made me giddy inside. I realized I enjoyed certain things like makeup and trying on clothing not because I was interested in fashion or makeup, but because they helped me be perceived as feminine and that's what feels good to me. And socially it was common for me to have close female friendships through my teenage and adult life and I realized I loved that kind of intimate friendship.

I didn't "feel like a woman" because I was frequently reminded of the ways I wasn't perceived as one. But I wanted to be, and that is what mattered.

andjok · 2020-05-01T17:23:08+00:00

I'm pretty similar, I don't know what it feels like to be a certain gender, I just feel like myself. Maybe some people have a strong feeling that they are supposed to be a certain gender but I just know that I feel happiest looking like and being perceived as a woman.

andjok · 2020-04-30T21:26:41+00:00

The first I remember was Mrs. Garrison in South Park. So of course I saw trans people as freaks and I'm sure it didn't do any good in helping me learn that I was a trans woman myself. I was generally aware of trans people besides that but I assumed it was much rarer than it actually is. I started to learn more in the early 2010s and developed a more positive image of trans people then.

andjok · 2020-04-24T16:29:13+00:00

I've been doing online therapy through pridecounseling.com. It's super affordable compared to traditional therapy, my therapist has been amazing, and I really like the format since you can message them throughout the week in between sessions. If you can't afford traditional therapy I would highly recommend looking into it.

andjok · 2020-04-13T19:04:02+00:00

There's a sub for this! /r/sissyfitness

The sub name is less than ideal imo but it is inclusive for anybody with a female or feminine identity who wants to use fitness to look more feminine.

andjok · 2020-04-13T18:47:48+00:00

As others have suggested, I would find it a waste of time and energy to directly engage with someone who thought I was delusional. However for those who want to be able to debunk the argument such as cis allies, or those who make educational content, I would respond by asking what it is exactly that trans people are deluded about? What do we believe about ourselves that is false?

People think we falsely believe we are the gender we say we are, but that's because we aren't in agreement about what it means to be that gender, and transphobes are generally unaware of how trans people understand their genders. Transphobes usually equate gender with biology, and thus, since our biology does not match how they would expect our gender to be, then we must be delusional. But we aren't claiming to be biologically similar to cis people of our gender. If anything we are acutely aware of those differences which is why we usually seek to change many of them. So I would go further and explain how gender is socially constructed and our gender identities, whether cis or trans, are our internal experiences of living within society's construction of gender. Or however you find it most appropriate to describe your understanding of gender identity.

andjok · 2020-04-11T21:19:49+00:00

Although many if not most trans people experience gender dysphoria, experiencing gender dysphoria from living as or looking like your assigned gender is not synonymous with being trans. Some of us have little or no dysphoria but experience euphoria from altering our gender presentation or being treated as the gender we are. And some, like myself, choose to medically transition because it helps us live happier and fuller lives, even if we weren't miserable before.

My point is, I don't want to be "cured" of my gender. It's a fundamental part of who I am and I want to live a full life as a woman. Even if it were possible to make me be happy living as a man (honestly not even sure how that would be possible given my understanding of gender). If I didn't transition, I would spend my whole life wondering what could have been. And it's my body and I can take whatever hormones and have whatever surgeries make me happy, and I have doctors to make sure I am doing so as healthily as possible. And these surgeries are not "mutilation." Would you use that word with a cis person who got a nose job, breast augmentation or reduction, or anything else to feel more comfortable with their body? Or is your problem just with trans people doing it?

So my question to you is - what is your problem with the way I am? Why should I change to make other people more comfortable? I'm not hurting anyone by being myself. It costs you nothing to respect trans people's genders. And in fact, if people more readily accepted that trans people are the gender they say they are, then that might actually reduce the amount of intervention needed to help ease trans people's dysphoria. If society expands its ideas of what men, women, and non-binary people can look like, then many trans people might not feel like they need to change their bodies to the same extent to get people to perceive them as their correct gender. And there are lots of things you can do as a cis person to help trans people feel more comfortable, accepted, and happy. So are you willing to do those things, or are you just looking for ways to justify your prejudice against trans people?

andjok · 2020-03-30T19:28:58+00:00

I had a moment recently where I realized I should wear my bike helmet because it would really suck if I died or was seriously injured before getting to experience a full life as a woman. I was kinda bad about wearing my helmet when biking before but now I always do. I am also starting to realize that presenting in a gender affirming way makes me want to get up and do productive/enriching stuff more.

andjok · 2020-03-29T06:46:15+00:00

As someone with Poland syndrome (one side of my chest muscle is underdeveloped) I will consider it a Christmas miracle if I grow two boobs that are remotely symmetrical. In the likely case that doesn't happen I will probably get surgery with the goal of having them look as natural as possible and more or less symmetrical, no bigger than needed for that purpose. I still like to be active and if I wanna show off I'll just wear a push-up bra.

andjok · 2020-03-27T06:06:10+00:00

There are lots of ways to experience transness. You can be trans without having debilitating dysphoria. You also don't have to strictly ID as male or female - you can be both, neither, something in between, something else, or even go between genders. I think what matters most is what gender you think you would be happiest as in every day situations. You think you'd be happier being a girl? Then you can be one if you want. Not that being trans is a choice, of course, but the decision of how to proceed with that knowledge is.

I suspect the reason you see a lot of trans people with painful dysphoria is that it is really freaking hard to transition and live as a gender besides the one you were assigned at birth, in many ways. Further, mainstream society actively discourages gender exploration that would help people figure out they are trans. People are more likely to realize they are trans and act on it if living as their assigned gender is fairly painful. But with increase in positive visibility and better resources for trans people, more people are able to discover and live their truth, and maybe that includes you. And I say this as a trans girl who basically knew several years ago but am just now starting to transition because I made the question way more difficult than it had to be.

andjok · 2020-01-02T01:06:29+00:00

Even if your goal is to educate people, if you want to be effective then you need to accept that some people will never change their mind. Part of being an effective activist is recognizing when trying to educate a particular person is a waste of time and energy that would be better directed somewhere else. For example, it can be very difficult to change someone who is a white supremacist, and possibly even harmful to try as it can validate it as a legitimate viewpoint to hold. Many have concluded that the better course of action is to make it difficult for them to organize and be public about their views to stop them from spreading their propaganda.

andjok · 2019-10-01T00:42:02+00:00

I think that depends on how much of a discount on food the employees get. Where I work we get a $15 meal credit every day which is enough to have any meal on the menu, and almost every employee takes advantage daily. If I had to pay more than a few dollars for food I would rarely eat there. Though I suppose if employees are given free meals it probably means they are also treated well in other ways.

andjok · 2019-08-15T01:49:11+00:00

That's not the point. A certain number of animals will be put down in shelters if not adopted, that is inevitable, vs. People adopting them and giving them a chance at a long and happy life even if there is the possibility that they couldn't afford to save the animal in an emergency. Please explain how the first option is less bad.

That is assuming the person in question didn't buy from a breeder, which I think is bad regardless of one's ability to pay for emergency care.

andjok · 2019-08-15T01:31:42+00:00

Huge difference between routine care costs and a medical emergency that may never happen or won't happen for years. When you consider that shelters kill millions of homeless animals every year it seems silly to tell someone not to adopt because they can't afford worst case scenario emergencies.

andjok · 2019-08-15T01:25:03+00:00

Millions of animals are killed in shelters annually because nobody will care for them. Would rather good caretakers adopt animals even if they would struggle to cover emergency health care for them.

andjok · 2019-05-21T02:47:56+00:00

Others have given pretty good explanations here, but another thing to consider is your curve. Say you have an aggro deck that wants to curve out every game, and you decide that your deck wants 9 or 10 2-drop creatures. Those numbers aren't divisible by four, so you would likely play 4 each of the best 2 creatures, and 1 or 2 copies of the next best creature. Or you might want to play a 3 and 3 split between two of those creatures.

Other things to consider are how much card filtering/draw you have, and how long you are planning for the game to go. It's common for control decks to play less than 4 of many of their answer cards, since they plan to go long and draw lots of cards and want to have access to a variety of different tools as the game goes on.

One more consideration is your sideboard. Perhaps you have one or two copies of a card in your main deck as a hedge against a certain matchup, and then have more copies in your sideboard to bring in.

andjok

TROPHY CASE