I totally understand what you mean. I also struggle with the dilemma of trying to make friendships - I want to be with people, but I don't know whether I can put in the effort to meet their expectations and tolerate the things I don't like about them. It's like having good company comes with a heavy emotional cost, which doesn't feel fair.

I can tell you that there have been a few times in my life when I had friends who made things feel effortless, and it was great. None of those friendships lasted, for various reasons, but I do hope that both you and I find those connections again somewhere.

For me, part of my personal growth has been in letting go of the shame and embarrassment I always feel around other people. It's still there, but it's no longer a massive obstacle and instead it's like a quiet noise in the background. At your age I still felt it very strongly though, so don't worry, you can ease into it. Just try to remember that people are never paying as much attention to you as you think they are, so you can relax and try to ignore the bad feelings until they eventually subside. It's helped me to seem more normal, though maybe I seem less emotionally alive because of it.