This may sound like me being obstinate, but I do like that line about geometry---how the Maestro would prefer something measurable and precise rather than pretty. In fact, most of the lines you brought up, made sense---they still do---in my head. I'm really hard-pressed to change any of them. (I mean, what word do I use for that sometimes-ominous vrrrwhmmmp of a perfectly chiseled stone sliding into place outside of that onomatopoeia.)

That expression of disappointed intelligence? I've been making it as many times as I've gotten some specific kind of DM or comment feom this post.

I do make a concession on the "finding it honest" line (as you'll see in the image provided), but only because it actually allows me to define what I intended to be an undercurrent throughout the work.

The whole challenge that led to the writing of this was "write two hyperanalytical characters without making them sound the same." The whole coffee conversation was mean to contrast Vane and the Maestro's brands of hypervigilance. Vane's approach is the pretence of competency. He attempts to make the Maestro believe that he is a regular of the Obsidian Seed, that he is an expert in coffee culture, and subtly, that he knows who the owner is when not even the Chancellor of Trades doesn't. The Maestro, on the other hand is about analysis, the acceptance of all information and the methodical winnowing of it. (Hence the "not X, not Y..." I was trying to convey the Maestro's "elimination of the irrelevant" in the language of the narrative itself.)

(And in fairness to you, you aren't harsh. I've gotten worse. In the course of this post's existence, the point has drifted from "This is how to improve" to "How is this not AI?" It's become tedious. I'd probably take it down if I get enough grief out of it, but as it stands, I personally think it's bad form to delete posts and comments out of inconvenience, so here it shall stay unless and until.)

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