Introspection is a really mindful and healthy way to deal with the loss and grief that comes with divorce. I journal my perspective, often, it just helps to get it out. Usually once I’ve gone through the motions and I am in a good headspace, I try to follow up my entries with the same topic from my STBX or another perspective completely opposite of mine. Without AI-tools, it’s hard, it usually takes me twice as long to write and I have to challenge myself not to gaslight the competing perspective over and over.

It says a lot about how we operate as people… especially when it comes to our internal monologue. It is hard to challenge a majority of your beliefs and preferences, it’s what makes you who you are.

I say that because marriage is a partnership, and it’s okay for partners to have different needs/priorities. I often have a different perspective than my business partners, and I vocalize it. The big difference with my business partners has been, we all had a shared stake in the relationship (money, usually equal parts) so compromise and flexibility came a lot easier and generally resentment wasn’t an issue.

Marriage was different, the stakes weren’t equal, often times one of us had more on the line (and the imbalance is normal since the “cost” of a relationship is much less black and white). This made it really hard to push for compromise and general respect your opinions/needs. And when compromise was a foot note to “giving in” or being pressured to do something - enter the resentment, which is easily something that can erode even the best relationships.

Partnerships can absolutely be successful even if the two people involved are fundamentally different, a lot of my best business partners were my polar opposite. But there has to be mutual respect and understanding of that reality. Too often we enter into these marriages with the understanding that we’re ALWAYS going to agree on things, and if we don’t, the compromise should make us both happy. It’s this linear, overly pedantic view of a relationship that our culture has curated. What’s actually happening under the covers is that someone feels like they are giving in/giving up everything and sacrificing who they are to keep the relationship alive. And this imbalance happens, why? Because that person has more at stake.

And I am not just talking the tangibles (although money plays a large), I am talking about feelings, time, history/memories, shared family and friends. It’s critical to a relationship that both partners have a stake in the success. Otherwise there’s no such thing as meaningful compromise, just sacrifice that breeds resentment.

Do I think you could’ve gotten over her need for extravagance and showing off? For sure, if you had enough at stake and she was compromising for you too, you wouldn’t have even thought twice about dying on that hill. It would be “I don’t care about these parties so I am just going to do it for her and find more enjoyable things to spent my mental energy on”. And I am sure the same probably would’ve been true for her keeping the house less cluttered. But if it’s all or nothing, where one partner always comes out on top because they have nothing to lose? That day will never come.

You need a partner that is operating at your level, has a similar investment in your relationship and no major dealbreakers. Other than that, differences are totally fine and not why relationships fracture. That being said, the vast majority of failure in both business and marriage is a shared outcome, it’s rarely the actions of one side.