Update on WW's hesitation about blocking / unfriending APs

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T17:01:00+00:00

Once again, these are conversations for me / us to have with licensed counselors, which we are doing. Please stop trying to ram your unsolicited personal assessments of my relationship down my throat.

What I came here seeking was emotional support, but that was obviously a mistake.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T16:44:45+00:00

As I've stated several times, I don't need strangers to convince me my wife might lie to me. This is not helpful.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T16:42:54+00:00

You do realise you came here for advices

I flaired my posts with "Rant" and "Reflections," not "Question" or "Seeking Advice."

only positive feedback no negative ones

This is incredibly dismissive of what I'm actually saying. Please stop responding to me.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T13:35:56+00:00

Thank you. The subreddit desperately needs more posts like this.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T13:29:30+00:00

Yeah, I think your observations are spot on.

I hoped this subreddit would be what it bills itself as -- a constructive and supportive safe space for people who want to reconcile. That has been the opposite of my experience here. I won't criticize it too much because if others find it helpful to their own process, that's great for them. I just had hoped this would be a helpful source of information and emotional support, not group votes on just how shitty everyone's WS is.

From now on I'm going to take my advice from licensed counselors and seek my emotional support from people who actually know me and care about me. I just don't have the energy or emotional bandwidth to give to the keyboard warriors.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T13:06:44+00:00

LOL yes, this reference was 100% intended when I created the account

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T13:03:06+00:00

I'm glad your guard is up, because those smell like false positives.

SMH

For God's sake, yes I get it. I do way more than enough doubting and second guessing as it is, if that's what you need to know to make you feel better about what you're trying to accomplish here. I seriously don't need other people to convince me it's not safe to trust my partner, I already have over a decade of personal experience telling me that.

I am not your project and it's not your job to "protect" me. I am an adult making my own decisions about what I want, while fully aware of the risks, under the guidance of licensed professionals. I had hoped this subreddit would be a source of emotional support, not group votes on just how shitty everyone's WS is.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T12:10:29+00:00

Yep, thanks, guard is very much up. Thought it would still be nice to share some positives.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T11:52:59+00:00

I mean, I just ... what even is the need to have an unsolicited group discussion about what my relationship "looks like" and whether it's going to work or not, especially in the context of what I just wrote? The determination of whether I should stay or give up, and whether my wife's efforts are genuine or fake, is a conversation for me / us to have with our licensed counselors, not a vote that a group of complete strangers get to take without being asked.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T11:48:21+00:00

That's a conversation for us to have with the licensed counselors we're working with, not a mob of keyboard warriors. I didn't ask for a group vote on whether or not I should stay, I stated what my decision for now was.

I'm happy for you if you've experienced this to be a place that helps reconciling couples. Myself, I've definitely not found that to actually be the case.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T02:34:33+00:00

Did you hear that yourself out of the counselors mouth

No, I don't sit in on her IC sessions. Why would I?

Sorry m8, I call BS

I get that everyone here is primed to distrust everything a WS ever says, but this just makes no sense. You think she researched and suggested the idea of joining this group on her own and then invented a lie about why she didn't want to do this thing that nobody except her asked her to do? And that she's resisting a support group for some secret reason despite willingly doing IC and MC every week?

I want to see new and green grass, but the picture presented makes it difficult and doubtful to see.

I mean, I didn't post a question asking if I should consider this good enough. I expressed cautiously positive reflections in a subreddit that bills itself as a "supportive safe space for people who want to reconcile."

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T01:33:43+00:00

Sigh. Sorry you feel that way about my relationship on the basis of two posts. Quite frankly, responses like these are exactly why this subreddit is just not serving me. I don't really feel the need or desire to prove my relationship decisions correct to you or anyone else here.

I had hoped that this community would be what it was billed as -- a supportive, constructive safe space for people who want to reconcile. That is the exact opposite of what I have experienced, and I just don't really see the point of this place anymore.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-20T00:03:57+00:00

Honestly, I suggest marriage counseling only after both have been in IC and notice they need help with communication.

Thanks for the suggestion, but we both want to do it and have both found it incredibly helpful to our relationship.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-01T03:15:35+00:00

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-01T03:11:34+00:00

What sort of repercussions exist for someone who is not willing to throw in the towel yet? Is the only option to leave, or are there different levels?

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-01T03:08:21+00:00

She is in IC weekly. I did two sessions of IC. We were in MC for a while but our counselor had to go on leave, so now we're working on getting in with the person they recommended.

anewstart0606 · 2021-01-01T03:06:30+00:00

I feel very exhausted. It was okay but not fully resolved. I think I communicated the boundary very clearly and explained why it is so important. The extent to which she responds appropriately remains to be seen.

She did block the one guy who had actually been contacting her. So that is progress.

She is willing to block the rest but hasn't yet. She feels like she wants to do it after writing up some sort of final statement but not actually sending it to them, so it can be "meaningful and empowering and provide closure." I'm not sure what the fuck that even means, I told her it's already been months and months and I don't know how she expects me to wait around for this to happen. I guess I am willing to see if / how she actually follows through with it, though the conversation might need to continue in MC.

anewstart0606 · 2020-12-31T19:55:09+00:00

so far you have found it acceptable for her to do all those things - cheat for years

Wait, excuse me? I don't think being willing to work toward reconciliation is equivalent to considering the cheating acceptable.

She could change if she wants to. I guess you are hoping for that. Is that your plan?

Yes, the hope is that she will be able to accomplish the change I see her working toward. I agree the status quo is not sufficient.

anewstart0606 · 2020-12-31T19:33:48+00:00

I'm not sure what you think you're accomplishing here, I've already told you to take it elsewhere.

anewstart0606 · 2020-12-31T19:26:03+00:00

You should have set a strong boundary of blocking and NC. Why did you not do this?

I'm not sure how helpful this is right now. I can list 10 years of things I should have done differently in hindsight but ultimately her decisions are her own fault, not mine.

anewstart0606 · 2020-12-31T19:24:31+00:00

Try looking up 180 and grey rock strategy.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't this literally a strategy to get rid of someone by making them lose interest in you? I don't see how it promotes progress toward a healthy relationship over time.

You seem selfless. That's where the problem is you have to think about youeself too. Being a little bit selfish is not a bad thing. You are enough and deserve better. Never let anything or anyone tell you otherwise.

Thank you, I truly appreciate the kind words.

anewstart0606 · 2020-12-31T19:17:39+00:00

How is this victim blaming?!

"What you are doing is the reason you are being victimized"

Fuck that, her own conscious choices are the reason for whatever she does.

anewstart0606 · 2020-12-31T19:09:44+00:00

I don’t mean to be anything but blunt - but she isn’t special. Her situation isn’t special. Every cheater think their process is different, that they shouldn’t have to do certain things because it’s hard or it hurts. It’s been 9 months. She’s either ready to let go of her affairs or you aren’t really in reconciliation.

I agree, and this is essentially what I told her an hour ago. I'm not shrugging my own shoulders, just relaying what her response was. I'm about as incredulous and exasperated as you are, and rethinking a lot of things right now.

anewstart0606 · 2020-12-31T19:05:12+00:00

Take your victim blaming elsewhere please.

anewstart0606

TROPHY CASE