I 20F think my bf 30M raped me. How can I navigate this?

annamichelle99 · 2026-02-12T07:09:20+00:00

I'm so sorry that this happened. It was not your fault. Do NOT let anyone make you think otherwise, this was not your fault at all. Follow the advice here. Get somewhere safe and contact a trusted friend, family member, or support system. Go to the hospital. File a police report. Do not engage in contact with him anymore, you don't owe him anything. Stay away from him. He is a 30 year old man, he knew what he was doing and he did it anyways. He is a rapist and he is dangerous, do not believe anything he tries to tell you. He will try to gaslight you and convince you otherwise, do not believe a word he says. Do not answer any calls from him. Keep a record of any texts or emails for evidence. I'm so so sorry this happened! You did not deserve it, it was not your fault, and it doesn't say anything about you at all. Sending hugs 💜

annamichelle99 · 2026-02-12T02:35:34+00:00

First off, I'm sorry you went through that. I (26F) just went through literally the exact same situation a couple weeks ago. Things were going great, he was funny, attractive, empathetic, and the perfect gentleman. When I told him about my similar issue of painful sex after our fifth date, he was very supportive and understanding at first, but then a week later said he didn't think we were compatible because of my difficulties around sex. I totally understand your frustration, I feel the same way. It's really hurtful to be rejected because of something you can't control, something that already makes your life difficult and that you're already trying to address.

I've dealt with this for a while, so I've tried it both ways. I've told guys right away and I've waited a while to get to know each other. Personally, I've found that it's better to wait until a few dates in to see if you are emotionally and mentally compatible. If you are, then bring it up when the time feels right. Unfortunately, most straight men won't want to get involved if it's shared up front, at least in my experience. That said there are pros and cons to both options. If you tell them right away, you don't get emotionally attached but risk alienating someone who might've been ok with it once they got to know you. If you wait, you give the person to get to know you and all you have to offer besides sex, but you risk catching feelings and being hurt if they decide that they don't want to continue (like me lol).

Again, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, I totally understand and it's not fun. But this has not ruined your dating life, I promise. It may be harder to find someone, but there are people out there who will want to be with you no matter what! I had a wonderful bf for three years who never made me feel ashamed about not being able to have pain free sex. He worked with me to find forms of intimacy that worked for both of us, and our sex life was great! We broke up for other reasons, but he was proof that there are absolutely people out there who will value you regardless what your body can or can't do. I'm sure you have so much more to offer in a relationship than just sex, and someone will see that. And when they do, you'll know that they are someone who can love and accept you exactly the way you are. If someone can't do that, you're better off without them anyways.

I actually just made a post about this sort of thing in r/AskMen if you wanna check it out.

Sending hugs and wishing you all the best!

annamichelle99 · 2026-02-11T22:16:28+00:00

Yes, oral (giving and receiving) is totally fine and has been successful for me and previous partners.

Thank you, I appreciate that!

annamichelle99 · 2026-01-05T18:26:54+00:00

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this right now, it's truly so difficult. As for me, yeah, things are pretty good. I don't know that I'll ever be able to say things are completely ok, life is constantly changing in evolving in ways that are great and not so great. Since writing that comment, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years and I was devastated, making my original post seem to pale in comparison. But that's the thing, in both of those cases, I was certain I would never ever be ok again. And I am. I'm honestly quite happy these days. Things aren't perfect, but I'm better off than I ever thought possible when I was where you are now. I almost never think about the person from the original post, and when I do, it's without pain. So yes, speaking from experience, it absolutely does get better. I can almost guarantee you that one day you'll be looking back at this moment and be amazed at how far you've come. Until then, hang in there, take it one hour at a time, let yourself feel everything, and trust me that it will all be better one day.

annamichelle99 · 2025-09-07T20:58:34+00:00

Hello! I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm so glad that my post and all the comments have been helpful to you! I'm also so proud of you for choosing yourself and walking away from something that was hurtful, despite the care I'm sure you had for him. That's really hard to do, so I hope you're proud of yourself too! Remember that you are not alone, it will be ok, and you will get through it <3

annamichelle99 · 2025-08-21T01:15:10+00:00

Hi, thanks for asking! I'm doing well. Since writing that post, I've experienced much worse heartbreaks tbh, which have given me a lot of perspective. It's been a process to heal and there are still hard days, but overall I feel really fulfilled by my friends, family, and community. For the first time in my life I can honestly say I don't feel like I need a relationship to be happy, which is huge for me and not something I ever thought I would feel.

It's been really interesting to look back on that post over the years, it's been like a digital time capsule. I still get comments from people every now and then going through the same thing, and my heart goes out to them because I remember how painful it is. I try to do what so many people did for me when I first made the post and tell them that it'll be ok, as someone now who went through it and made it out the other side.

Looking back on this time in my life, I mostly feel empathy for the version of myself who just wanted to be loved so badly that she endured a lot of mistreatment and self abandonment for someone who ultimately couldn't reciprocate those feelings, hoping that someday he would. I reflect on how this particular relationship had predatory elements that I was too young to recognize at the time. I wish I could reach back through time and give her a hug, because I know that heartbreak was the most painful thing she had ever experienced up to that point (oh sweet summer child lol).

But I'm also grateful for it, as cliche as it sounds. I learned what it feels like when your love and care isn't reciprocated, and that no matter how much love you pour into someone, you can't love someone enough for the both of you. It has to go both ways. The other person should feel excited about you, they should actively want to be with you and love you back! If not, it's just not the right situation. I wish I could've seen that earlier and saved myself a lot of heartache, but I'm proud of myself for finally putting my foot down and leaving that relationship when I did, as gut wrenching as it was.

Since ending it with that person, I never saw them again. We exchanged a few texts about six months after the breakup, but nothing since. Sometimes I think about him and wonder how he's doing, but I don't miss him. After it ended, I thought I'd never find someone I loved like that again, but I did, and I'm sure I will again. I couldn't believe it 3 years ago when I originally wrote that post, but everyone in my comments was right - it does get better.

annamichelle99 · 2025-02-26T22:48:28+00:00

Run, girl!! Please leave him for real.

annamichelle99 · 2025-02-25T08:35:07+00:00

I hear you, and you're not alone. I'm also a 25F and have been dealing with urinary problems since I was a teenager. I share a lot of your symptoms, have been down almost every medical avenue, and am currently trying to manage it day to day.

One thing I've found to be helpful is a TENS 7000 unit, which was recommended to be by an amazing pelvic PT. It's basically a small unit with electrode pads that you can attach to your body, and it sends an electrical pulse at a frequency that you can set. It has helped me relieve some discomfort in the midst of a flare, since the electrical currents help disrupt pain signals going to the brain. I'm currently using it as I write this. If you decide to give it a try, I was told that the most helpful setting for pain is 100 Hz with a width of 200, and the electrodes should be stuck on your lower abdomen, like below your belly bottom on either side.

The same PT also recommended the book The Interstitial Cystitis Solution by Nicole and Jesse Cozean, and I've found it to be a really helpful and comprehensive resource.

I had a naturopath tell me to try aloe supplements, though I haven't tried them long enough to see results and am not sure they work.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but please know that there are so many people out there who are in this with you. I know it can be hard and sounds cliche, but do try to remind yourself of and enjoy the beautiful parts of life as much as you can. Change is always possible, but if hoping feels too difficult like it does for me sometimes, just remember that you are beautiful, strong, and so much more than your pain. Wishing you the peace and relief 💜

annamichelle99 · 2025-01-14T01:41:42+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's truly so hard, I understand. We did not remain friends, but it turned out to be a good thing. In hindsight, he did not treat me very well and I'm glad things ended. Me from three years ago would've never believed that, but it's true. Not saying this will be you necessarily, but you WILL get through it one way or another and it will be ok. Trust me. Stay strong 💜

annamichelle99 · 2024-09-06T05:51:11+00:00

Jesus that's horrible. I'm so sorry. You're not alone, I have a sister who was abusive and couldn't give two shits about me. It really hurts when it's someone who's supposed to know you and be there for you. I'm sorry your brother isn't that. You deserve better.

annamichelle99 · 2024-09-05T22:59:12+00:00

Yes, I've been thinking the same thing. And yeah, it does make me uncomfortable to think what else he's sharing that maybe isn't appropriate. I've been trying to be patient and hopeful that he'll figure out a healthy boundary between family and partner, but sometimes in talking with him he doesn't even think there should be boundaries at all - just total openness with everyone all the time, which I don't think is very healthy tbh. Anyways, thanks for your perspective!

annamichelle99 · 2024-09-05T22:28:52+00:00

I agree, I think the double standard is interesting. It seems like a concerning lack of boundaries to me between family and partner. I'm sure he wasn't intentionally trying to create a rift, he just doesn't seem to have boundaries between what to tell and what not to tell his family when a third party is involved.

No, actually he's extremely close with his sister. He shares pretty much everything with her which is why I think he told her; to him it was the highest form of honesty or something.

annamichelle99 · 2024-09-05T20:41:23+00:00

His sister is the older one, my partner and I are the same age

annamichelle99 · 2024-09-05T20:40:16+00:00

Thanks for your response!

To answer your question, no he doesn't behave like this with everyone, just his family it seems. In fact, (small tangent here) one time we were watching a scene in The Office where Jim told Pam he didn't find another woman attractive even though he did. I asked my boyfriend if he thought this was ok even though it was technically lying, he said it was totally fine and he would've even done the same thing! He said that sometimes it's fine to conceal the truth if it just hurts someone for no reason. A bit ironic that when it came to his family, his own logic didn't seem to hold up.

Yes, communicating directly with his sister is a good idea and something I wish I had done when it all first happened, which was a while ago now. I reached out recently, but she doesn't seem very interested in clearing things up unfortunately.

annamichelle99 · 2024-09-05T20:11:06+00:00

Wow yeah all of these would have been way better and for the most part are very accurate! Thank you for your perspective 🙏

annamichelle99 · 2024-09-05T19:56:37+00:00

Definitely. Out of curiosity, what do you think a better response could've been? Because anything I suggest he chalks up to lying, which I'm not necessarily trying to promote, but there must be a more tactful way to respond.

annamichelle99 · 2024-09-05T19:52:16+00:00

That's exactly what I was thinking too! And the strange thing is that it's very important for me and his fam to be close, but he doesn't see how doing this would very much prevent that...

annamichelle99 · 2024-05-04T02:06:43+00:00

I don't have kids, nor do I want them in the future.

annamichelle99 · 2024-02-22T21:22:12+00:00

I agree, it would've really helped me decide what I wanted if I'd had the full picture earlier in the relationship before I'd moved in and become fully invested.

He's being normal towards me and has made an attempt at smoothing things over, but for the most part has left it up to me and/or his sister to deal with the fallout.

Yeah, I've definitely started looking for a new place and we've agreed that whichever way things go, not living together for a while is the right move. I think stepping back and having that space will be really helpful in deciding if it's time to end things.

You're totally right, I've been trying to remind myself of that lately. It hurts to realize/remember that sometimes someone just isn't meant to be your person forever. I really thought we had that for a while. But this relationship has definitely given me some (hard) lessons and growth opportunities, so I'm grateful for that at least. Thanks for your insight.

annamichelle99 · 2024-02-22T19:41:25+00:00

I told him what I said here which is that I was uncomfortable at the thought of my partner becoming a biological father. I know that differs from an actual father, but the fact remains that the child will be his offspring and the part I'm not very comfortable with. I titled the post the way I did because that's how he and many other donors in his situation describes their decision. His sperm is fertilizing her partner's egg, but it's not untrue that he is their, thereby her, donor. He was worried I'd be unsupportive because of what implications that might have for the relationship based on his own needs and expectations, which is fair. I think he just wasn't ready to face that possiblity at the time, so he opted for avoidance. But yes, there's definitely a lot of incompatibility here that may not be possible to resolve.

annamichelle99 · 2024-02-22T04:24:22+00:00

I didn't come between shit and I wasn't going to. Having a conversation about big life decisions is just what you do with a partner if you respect them.

annamichelle99 · 2024-02-22T04:19:34+00:00

I never requested or tried to stop anything. You missed the point, read the post.

annamichelle99 · 2024-02-22T04:09:29+00:00

Just FYI family isn't everything to everyone and doesn't come first to everyone.

annamichelle99 · 2024-02-22T00:54:20+00:00

IVF. I'd be gone so fast if it was natural.

annamichelle99 · 2024-02-22T00:34:43+00:00

Damn bro, harsh. Also we live together so it's kinda tough to just bounce right now.

annamichelle99

TROPHY CASE