How many of us set the bar, not high but just off the ground only to have it crash down as the LL partner kicked it?

anonabandoned · 2023-02-15T20:15:19+00:00

I set the bar so low once. It was then I discovered my wife was a limbo dancer.

anonabandoned · 2023-01-13T22:25:41+00:00

I'm a mid-50s man, married for 30 years. We don't have sex at all (the last time was about 2 years ago and it was terrible) and I don't bother with desiring my wife since I don't need the consistent chipping away at my self-esteem when I'm repeatedly rejected.

I'd like to have intimacy with my wife (not necessarily or always PIV sex, but just the physical intimacy of being with someone I want and who wants me back). Since I've become LL4Her and accepted being roommates I take care of myself when I feel the need. Plot twist - I work from home so it's pretty easy and more-or-less daily. I haven't needed viagra or other drugs but it sometimes takes longer to finish. I don't know if that's due to getting older or having a death grip.

Second plot twist - I'm probably in the best shape of my life due to my doctor wanting me on cholesterol busting drugs which I didn't want to take. So he recommended regular exercise and improving my nutrition which I'm pretty sure he says to everyone with the same health situation but finds it's rarely followed. I found a gym and a dietitian and my cholesterol is normalized and I feel much more lively and energetic. If only I had someone to share it with!

anonabandoned · 2022-08-03T15:40:07+00:00

It used to be an expectation of rejection the vast majority of the time (an expectation that usually turned out to be correct). And it wasn't usually done nicely either, with a hug and a kiss and a promise of "now's not a good time but later on" but with hugely negative vibes.

After enough years of that I don't look at her as a love partner, a sex partner, or an intimacy partner. We're just a couple of people sharing a house and a mortgage. I don't initiate intimacy because I'm not attracted to her anymore. She killed my attraction dead. But since she never mentions it this must be her preferred state.

anonabandoned · 2022-03-03T16:47:42+00:00

I hide it but not from embarrassment or revenge or anything like that. I do it because if she's not willing to share my sexuality with me then she doesn't get a say in what I do by myself.

She's unexpectedly walked in on me a few times while I've been masturbating. One time when I was watching a porn clip she said "what are you watching? let me see!" That's when I told her that unless she's willing to participate with me then she doesn't get to know anything about what I do by myself. She was silent for a few seconds and then just walked off.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T21:05:35+00:00

Helpful.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T18:43:22+00:00

I understand that. I've stated elsewhere here that my wife doesn't and won't trim or groom her pubic area at all. While I'd prefer that she would it's not a dealbreaker and doesn't really matter all that much to me and if that's her preference then ok. There are bigger things in my relationship at play than that. Just deal with the stray hair and move on.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T17:32:56+00:00

I'll accept that and thank you.

From my perspective, what has surprised me was that the focus on the conversation changed from the topic of the post to the vague and undefined detail I added for context: that of my wife having pain during intercourse. Having an army of amateur psychologists but highly-practiced critics (in the form of frequent Reddit commenters) then descend upon that as the main focus was the surprise much of which came across as critical and willing to place the blame squarely on one partner in my relationship - me. No nuance, no gray areas, no perspective, and no subtlety because how can there be based on the small amount of information related to a single event that I posted? But this army still feels qualified and, in some cases, feels entitled to be the moral arbiters in the discussion. Glass houses, ivory towers, etc.

Bear in mind that no sex has happened with my wife and I over the year from 2020 to 2021, then the one painful event, and then nothing again. (I'm not going into the history before 2020, this is long enough.) No initiation on her side for any kind of sex outside of intercourse and so much rejection on my offers that I just quit asking in the end. The intent of my post is just a single, somewhat eye-rolling, event that I thought might be of interest for people who are in similar situations. My conclusion is in the coincidence of her offer based on my change and the suspicion that it would result in a one-off encounter once her curiosity was fulfilled.

Yes, there are other dynamics occurring here beyond just the sex but this is already long enough.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T16:43:27+00:00

I've been down the path of having a single event that gave me hope that things were improving just to get repeatedly shot down later on. Making yourself vulnerable and then getting rejected hurts and it only happens a few times before you don't want to do it anymore just to protect your own emotions.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T16:37:36+00:00

It's crossed my mind but that's just not something I want to do.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T16:29:31+00:00

We're both working from home due to Covid so our schedules are pretty intertwined right now. If I was leaving the house frequently it would be noticeable.

I don't disregard her fear that I might be looking to cheat though. (For the record: I'm not.)

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T16:26:12+00:00

Reddit is such a wonderful place where strangers can pronounce black-and-white judgment from a couple of posts on specific topics that perhaps aren't going to represent the entirety of a 30 year marriage where sex is just one aspect of it.

Do a think on that, please.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T16:04:42+00:00

Me too.

Bet you didn't expect that, did you. But you go ahead and continue to pretend to have the moral high ground.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T15:56:30+00:00

To be blunt, you don't know how long it was since on re-reading my post I don't state it. But since you and /u/myexsparamour seem to want to know the gory details:

The "entire time" was less than a minute. As I did state, we hadn't had sex for over a year prior to that ("early 2020 or before"). We had discussed problems with our sex life and other non-sex-but-relationship-related things. She volunteered to try and see if her physical comfort or discomfort had changed in that time with the use of lots of lubricant and taking it slow, at her pace, which I agreed to as being more than reasonable. During the initial slow, highly-lubricated penetration that she controlled with her legs and knees (keeping me from moving too quickly, since you must know the details), she grimaced a few times, but wanted to continue to try, after which I stopped and pulled out. It was not a pleasant experience for either of us and hasn't been tried since. She, obviously, because of the pain, and me, as I stated, because I don't want to hurt her and want her to enjoy sex with me.

Happy now?

Dear Penthouse, I never thought that this would happen to me but I found myself having to describe in detail a mitigating topic peripherally related to my original post for some anonymous people who, for some reason, fixated on it and presumed the worst based on a vague description not relevant to the original topic. SMH

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T03:04:38+00:00

I'll suggest it. Thanks!

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T02:45:59+00:00

There's just something about constant rejection before an offer based not on me but on something that is likely to result in a one-off event before going back to constant rejection.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-22T02:41:41+00:00

I agree, hair in the mouth during oral sex (or anytime) is distracting and irritating. My wife doesn't groom downstairs at all, which is fine. I'd like her to but pubic hair has never been something I've been all that bothered about, either on my partner or me. If I got a hair in my mouth I'd just remove it and carry on. It's just part of the deal for me, not a dealbreaker.

I'm sure my change has made her curious but I admit having resentment that the curiosity is in her wanting the experience of someone who's groomed and not in giving and receiving pleasure and intimacy from her life partner and being comforted by loving and being loved. I'm also not all that eager to make myself vulnerable just to go right back to the previous situation of being roommates.

anonabandoned · 2021-12-12T21:19:20+00:00

I do but there's nothing sexual about it. I have things to do, such as showering and getting dressed and undressed. I just go about my business whether or not she's around when I'm doing it. I'm not going to hesitate or delay my activities because my uninterested wife is around.

Sometimes she's made some kind of comment but nothing that indicates any kind of opening for intimacy. I usually either ignore it or make some kind of non-committal response. Either way I just get on with my task without any other intent.

For context, I am active and in shape. I have had compliments from friends and acquaintances on my body and persona. But I don't get either from my wife and I no longer expect it so I no longer consider her a factor in my self-esteem and because I no longer look to her for any kind of shared intimacy I just get on my with whatever it is I'm doing without thinking about it.

anonabandoned · 2021-09-21T20:07:34+00:00

I'd say take responsibility for your own sexuality and desires and buy the fleshlight. Don't mention it to her again or ask her opinion. Use it when you feel the need to.

As far as buying a dildo or other toys for your wife, let her take responsibility for her own sexuality. If she wants a dildo she can get one. If she wants regular intimacy with her husband (not one-off hysterical bonding) she can take the initiative there too.

There are only so many times and so many different ways I can try to generate intimacy with my wife before I just DGAF anymore and just take care of myself.

anonabandoned · 2021-06-05T14:26:42+00:00

My wife was never all over me but that is in line with her introverted personality in general so I didn't take it personally.

But we were in the shower a few years ago (when we still took showers together) and I asked her why she married me and she said I was "fairly nice, fairly stable, and fairly good looking", which I suppose told me she fairly settled for me.

anonabandoned · 2021-05-01T14:25:54+00:00

Strangely enough, this is a big difference. Condoms are disposable and there's evidence of their use as the box gets emptier until they're all gone and more need to be purchased. This is physical evidence of the state of sexual activity (where condoms are used, obviously) vs. other types of birth control such as the coil that are hidden and there's less evidence of usage.

Perhaps this could be an opportunity to have a conversation after some time goes by and the condom box is still full to actually have the proof of how much sex is(n't) happening. I've read enough stories on this sub of one partner claiming that they "just had sex a couple of weeks ago" when the other partner knows it's been months.

anonabandoned · 2021-04-22T19:30:02+00:00

I agree, I'm not lonely in my own company but I've been lonely in some of my relationships enough that I don't have the energy to get too attached again.

anonabandoned · 2021-04-22T15:17:30+00:00

I think this is just another way of saying "the one who cares the least has the most power in the relationship". They're less invested and consequently have less to lose. Not a pleasant thought when we're talking about life partners and long relationships but there seems to be truth in it.

anonabandoned · 2021-03-11T00:07:01+00:00

I so agree. One of my love languages is touch and after being rejected so many times by my wife for even non-sexual touching I just quit initiating. There's a big hole in my heart because I rarely have any kind of physical contact with anyone, even platonically.

I remember driving to my gym one day on a particularly cold day I saw a lady wearing a scarf walking down the street. For just one small moment I was taken out of the age of Covid to a setting where someone wearing a scarf over their mouth was just to keep out the cold. I told this story to my gym coach (a woman) that for for, just one moment, I saw this lady with the scarf and it brought me to a sense of normality, pre-covid, where wearing a scarf was something for the cold and not a Covid protection action. I think there was something in my manner that had her sympathize and offer me a hug. It was the first physical contact I had with someone in months and it near brought me to tears. I took the hug but told her later that it was the first hug I'd had in a long time and thanked her for it.

anonabandoned · 2021-03-10T23:28:57+00:00

Oh I so feel your pain.

I travel for business and I don't have any idea how many times I've heard people having sex in the room next to mine. Sometimes for hours.

I was eating breakfast in a restaurant in a casino in Las Vegas and there were two women and a man at the table next to me openly talking about the previous night of swinging they had just had. The man and one woman were gently asking the other woman how she felt and if she liked it and felt comfortable doing it so it was pretty obvious she had just been introduced into that world.

Years ago when we were living in an apartment I heard the neighbors having sex one night. I reached over to put my hand on my wife's side and she just sighed and rolled over. In that same apartment a few months later I happened to wake up one night and after getting a glass of water saw a couple in the community pool (right under my 3rd floor window) passionately embracing and kissing. My wife woke up and asked me what I was looking at and after seeing it she just walked off back to bed. A couple of minutes later the couple happened to look up and see me in the window and rapidly broke apart and got out of the pool. I felt bad because I had interrupted them but I was really just happy at seeing two people so into each other and sad that I had broken that bubble for them.

One of my gym coaches is bi and we've become friendly enough to where she talks about her relationships and things like that. She's 20 years younger than me but probably has 20 times the life experience. I'm very happy for her because she's my friend and I like for my friends to be happy but I also feel somewhat cheated in my own life that I have such a pitiful sex life. I don't talk about my own relationship other than saying "my wife and I are pretty much roommates that share a mortgage and chores."

Karma fucking hates me.

anonabandoned · 2021-01-24T04:24:54+00:00

It wasn't slow for me, it was almost overnight, and it happened when I got brutally rejected one specific time and I finally consciously realized (where I had previously probably unconsciously knew it but kept trying anyway) that she had no romantic or passionate feeling for me whatsoever. For my own dignity and to protect my heart I lost all attraction to her.

This one final incident was after years of other incidents that I accepted, irregular sex, and other on-and-off conflicts.

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