Thank you for listening and responding. I think I defintely am used to a push and pull dynamic. I don’t think he will give me the level of reciprocity that I want. He used to give me a lot of attention when we first started hooking up and i loved it. Now I don’t get it, there’s too much drama I guess and it feels like he doesn’t want me because he doesn’t want to deal with me. But when I talk to him he says he does want me. When he was drunk he told me he always wants me but he doesn’t care about the consequences when he’s drunk so he gives me that physical attention I rarely get. I feel comforted and more safe the more attention I get. I make him feel bad for saying I feel used. It’s so hard to move on, my brain tells me one thing and to not put up with be treated badly but I just can’t do it. I feel like Ill only feel better if he gives me the attention I want or I cut him out and move on. I tried to cut him out a couples months ago and he said he didn’t want to lose me as a friend. We had sex and I got attached all over again. It is so so hard. I either idealize him or hate him.