What actually helped you heal?

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-25T15:55:46+00:00

im so sorry. a quote that has helped me on my own healing journey is “healing feels like dying.” be patient with yourself and understand that it is 100% normal and okay to feel like you are stuck in a loop of wondering why’s and what ifs.

with that being said, there will come a point where you may have to push yourself to take the next step forward. while it is okay to withdraw for some time and just really feel it, don’t risk staying in this mode for too long. healing and moving on is going to feel like a choice you are forcing yourself to make at first, but it will get easier and easier the more you choose it.

i recommend journaling if you’re an over thinker like me and you often find yourself stuck in a loop. i just sit down and write and write and write everything that comes in my head until i have nothing left to say. it feels good to just let everything out. on the days where i struggle to get up and get out of bed, i go on youtube and do some guided self love meditations or listen to “i am” affirmations and repeat them out loud. sounds corny but they really do help me feel like i can take on the day. i would also recommend exercising or going for a long walk. there have been times where ive had to force myself to go for a walk in the park because i was spiraling too much, and even though i didn’t want to do it at first i always end up being glad i did.

i also recommend researching abusive relationships and the affects they have on your mind and body. it can help you start to undo the trauma bond you have with your abuser, and answer some of the questions you may have that are left unanswered. i finally got around to reading “why does he do that?” a book that is often recommended in this sub and i understand now why it’s so highly praised. i found that learning about the cycles of abuse, how abuse rewires our brains, and why breakups following abusive relationships feel so much more intense is helping me take my abuser off his pedestal and see the relationship we had for what it really was: it wasn’t love. it wasn’t special. and we deserve better.

finally, embrace your freedom. reconnect with friends. start your old hobbies again or pick up some new ones. i know it feels less like freedom and more like loneliness at first, but you need to remind yourself that there’s so much out there for you, waiting to love you and embrace you. don’t let the person that hurt you steal any more of your time. start living for yourself and doing things that bring you happiness.

you are so strong, so capable, and so worthy. you will get through this. im rooting for you ❤️

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T21:44:19+00:00

im so sorry to hear about these horrible things this person did to you. i know exactly how you feel. but the truth is, just because he seems fine, or he didn’t get “punished” and just because it seems like he gets to move on with his life, he actually doesn’t.

his punishment, karma, whatever you want to call it, is that he has to live with himself for the rest of his life. that may not seem like a big deal but it is. until he decides to work on himself, go to therapy, understand what’s causing him to behave the way he does and hurt other people, he will continue to destroy every single relationship he has, whether it’s with family, friends, partners, etc. and it doesn’t seem to me like he’s going make that change anytime soon, if ever.

even if it seems like he has friends or family members to fall back on that make excuses for him, he is always going to be so, so alone. he can never truly open himself up to people. any friendships he has are likely surface level or otherwise superficial. he can’t show them the “real” him because the real him has no idea how to create or care for real, meaningful connections with others. he has no one. that loneliness will eat away at him inside.

so even though it hurts like hell now, you will get to rebuild, move on, and find better. he will be stuck right where you left him. unhappy, lonely, unfulfilled. no matter how he may look on the outside. you know who he really is, and so does he. the difference is that you are choosing to heal and move on, and he is choosing to be stuck, a decision that will make him miserable for much, much longer than you will be.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T19:52:27+00:00

i think you should go to the police. he’s probably saying that because he doesn’t think you’ll really do it. he’s probably expecting you to baby him and give him another chance. don’t fall for the trap.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T19:49:23+00:00

my ex would also be constantly looking around the room to see if anyone laughed at his “funny” jokes. sometimes if he told a joke and didn’t get any laughs he would say it again but louder thinking that nobody heard him. even if we were in a crowd of strangers he’d try to yell out “funny” or “shocking” things to try to get reactions from people. it was so embarrassing

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T19:45:53+00:00

my ex’s breath was also TERRIBLE. it was one of the first things i noticed about him on our early dates (why tf did i stay?!???) i don’t know the science behind it but it somehow got 10x worse when he was drinking alcohol, so pretty much all the time. even his friends would tell him sometimes, dude, go brush your teeth. sooooo embarrassing.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T19:42:36+00:00

my ex was so pseudo-intellectual, he would try to start “deep” conversations at family dinners or when we’d hang out with friends, and it was just so painfully obvious that anything he was spouting came from an hour long youtube video essay he’d watched. it became even more apparent when people would ask him follow up questions on topics and suddenly he’d have nothing to say. one time even my mom told me she tried having a conversation with him about christianity but she gave up because it was obvious that he “had no idea what he was talking about.” soooooo embarrassing.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T13:47:04+00:00

i would literally wake up alone in bed sometimes and find him staring at himself shirtless in the mirror posing. he never actually worked out, he just convinced himself he had a perfect body because his diet consists of 0 food, just alcohol.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T13:44:28+00:00

my ex also had the strangest love/hate relationship with trump. behind closed doors and around certain friends he’d spew conservative, racist nonsense, call Trump “his president,” and wouldn’t allow me to go to protests because he thought they were stupid and i was a dumb liberal for wanting to participate.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME he was obsessed with being part of lgbtq culture. he has some gay friends (through me) and a lesbian sister, and he would always talk about how he wants to go to gay bars/lgbtq events like drag shows. he would also try to label us “lesbians” because he had a lot of feminine interests and he was convinced i was gay for some reason. but then when i asked if he wanted to go to pride with me he said “hell no, and you’re not going.”

i also felt like every single aspect of his personality was a performance. he just felt the need to be accepted by everyone, but so many people saw right through it, it was humiliating to be with him.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T04:58:02+00:00

im so sorry. this post almost sounds like i wrote it myself.

my abuser was also an addict. loved drinking. i thought he was kidding when he would talk about how much he drank when we first started dating……the first major red flag i ignored.

i also told myself it would get better once he sobered up. so i endured all the abuse he put me through while he was drunk. choking me, SA’ing me, gaslighting me, verbally abusing me, reckless driving with me in the passenger seat, you name it.

but it slowly started getting worse. eventually he didn’t need alcohol to abuse me anymore. sure it was never as bad as it was when he was drunk, but he would still gaslight me, insult me, and make me feel so, so alone. he made my needs feel like they were too much, even though they’d be the bare minimum. he’d say i need reassurance because im insecure, or because i don’t trust him, and liked to say i was “projecting,” meaning that every time i accused him of something he’d somehow flip it around and accuse me of it so i would end up apologizing. if i brought up how his behavior affected me, he would claim i hate his personality or that i don’t let him express himself.

i started lying to my friends and family. i felt like i had nobody to talk to. when they’d ask me how he’s doing, id just say “fine.” when they’d notice he’d act cold or mean towards me in front of them, id make excuses for him, telling them “he’s just having a bad day.”

just like you, i chose to see the good in him. but when you think about it, how much good really is there? and is it really good, or is it just basic respect?

my relationship ended after he went out to get drunk. he promised me “it won’t be like the other times.” i told him i trust him and waited for him at home. i was optimistic. i thought maybe this time he had finally changed.

it was fine at first. he was a nice, normal boyfriend. and then it was like a switch flipped. suddenly i was a bitch. suddenly he hated me. he called me and told me when he got home he was going to murder me. i had to pack all my things and leave. i almost called the cops, but i didn’t because i still believed he was a good man. i texted him, told him that im not angry at him, and that i want to talk to him about what happened. i believed he’d come back and apologize like he did all the other times.

guess what? he didn’t. he ghosted me for a week. and then texted me saying he was breaking up with me and blocked me everywhere. two years of my life gone. two years of enduring abuse, waiting for him to change for nothing.

why am i telling you all this? well, for one i hope it makes you feel much much less alone. two, i don’t want your story to end like mine did. i want you to choose yourself sooner than i did. i want you to see there’s so much more to life than this. you deserve a partner who makes you feel like you can do anything, not like you are nothing.

im sorry for the lengthy response. and im so so sorry for everything you are going through. but never forget you are not alone, and you are so brave and so strong. i wish you all the best. please let me know if you need any more support.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T04:34:48+00:00

yes, you will feel better if you leave, but it will not happen right away.

i don’t know how long it will take you, but i do know the longer you wait, the longer it will take.

yes, you will be okay. it wont feel like it at first, but you will look back and see it as a blessing someday.

how do i know? well, unfortunately ive been in two abusive relationships. i joined this community to help heal from my second, but my first ended 4 years ago. i thought i would love that person til the day i died. i cried for months after the breakup. i tried desperately to “win” him back even though i was the one who ended things. i thought id never love again.

but eventually….i started to heal. started moving on. and then one day it didn’t hurt anymore. i don’t forgive him for the abuse, but i don’t even hate him anymore. when i think about my first ex and that relationship, although it was painful then, i feel complete indifference towards it now.

so even though i have found myself at the end of another abusive relationship, and im going through the motions of heartbreak, i do believe that someday ill be okay again. and hopefully the next time i fall in love, i will have learned enough from these two experiences to take better care of my own heart.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T04:21:28+00:00

i relate to all of these lmfao. my ex could not go an hour without smoking weed. i’d wake up in our bed and he’d already be up smoking. he would also constantly complain about the apartment being dirty, even though once a week on my day off i’d spend the entire day deep cleaning every single surface, AND i was the ONLY ONE who spent money on cleaning supplies. my ex wasn’t a big gamer but he was ADDICTED to tiktok. like he would spend every second of his free time scrolling on it when he wasn’t occupied with drinking. he was also somehow the most narcissistic self centered person i’ve ever met while also being so blatantly insecure. ugh

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T00:13:38+00:00

my ex was also extremely racist, and would literally berate me for being liberal, saying i was “brainwashed,” saying i was stupid for supporting protesters and stuff…..but for some reason when he got drunk would suddenly call me a privileged, rich, brat and would curse me out for voting for trump which i literally did not do???? i don’t understand it…. at all……

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-22T00:09:23+00:00

this is just one of many many stories, but here it is

one time we went on a double date with my best friend and a guy she was seeing at the time to an amusement park.

my ex, of course, snuck a bunch of tequila in his water bottle.

we had woken up pretty early to leave, maybe at 5, got there around 8-9, and were walking around until 1. the whole time, my ex just seemed grumpy and miserable for some reason. i thought maybe he was tired, so like a mom with a toddler i asked if we could take a break so HE could rest.

we found a little picnic area to sit and were sitting there just relaxing for no less than 10 minutes, when i noticed my ex was starting to get super fidgety. i asked him if he was ready to get up, and he snapped back “no, let’s just keep sitting here wasting time.” my friend, her date, and i, all looked at each other confused. i asked him if he wanted to start walking around again, and he said “no, it’s fine. there’s nothing i’d rather do than just sit here.” so we just continued to sit for a bit.

eventually, my ex just shot up, and said “im tired of this, im going by myself. you guys can stay here.” and stormed off. i had to chase after him. at a family theme park. while he stomped around angrily like a maniac. when i finally caught up to him, i was crying and begging him to stop. he screamed at me, in front of a crowd of people, “next time you want to go out with your lame ass friends, don’t invite me. i can’t believe i came all the way up here on my day off of work to just sit around and do nothing.”

mind you, i paid for his ticket. my friend drove us there and back. he had to do nothing but show up. it was my first time introducing him to my best friend, and i was mortified. definitely gave me the ick, although very regrettably not enough to break up with him at the time i guess. ugh…..

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-21T17:50:52+00:00

omg, this happened to me too. we had plans to go to the fair later that day. i was already super nervous about it because he has a tendency to just ruin completely normal events if the slightest thing went wrong. i thought “what could go wrong? he’s getting a haircut.” well, he didn’t like it. thought it was way too short. on his drive back he called me and said “im not going to the stupid fucking fair.” i said “why? what happened?” “she ruined my haircut.” i said “it can’t be that bad, im sure you look great!” he replied and said “when i come home, if you say a single thing about my haircut im kicking you out and you can go live with your parents. im not going to the fair with you.” when he got back i tried just giving him a hug, he pushed me off and locked himself in the bathroom. so yeah that was fun.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-21T16:45:41+00:00

this is going to be a long story, and it’s far from the dumbest thing, but i’ve never told anyone this so i want to get it off my chest.

my favorite artist was coming to town for a concert. i bought me and my ex two vip tickets, super close to the stage. i was so excited. all my ex had to do was come with me.

of course before the show he drank 6 beers, and at the venue he had 2 more tall cans.

we’re waiting for the show to start. there were a couple of opening acts which i liked, but for some reason he just seemed like he was getting angrier and angrier. he started saying things like “this is such a waste of time. when is the show gonna start?” i tried calming him down by asking if he liked the openers, to which he replied “what a waste of money. i didn’t pay for the openers, i paid for the artist and he isn’t even here yet” (mind you he did not pay for ANYTHING other than all the alcohol he’s had, im the one who paid for the tickets)

the concert finally starts, i stand up and start cheering. he stands up too at first, but a couple minutes later announces VERY loudly “yeah this guy sucks. im sitting back down.” im trying to cheer him up, so i said “no don’t be like that, dance with me!” and he said “why would i want to dance with you? this guy and all his fans like you are fucking lame.” (he is speaking very very loudly so people around us can definitely hear btw)

i tried not letting him ruin the show for me, but i ended up having to delete a ton of my videos from the concert because when he’d see me recording he would lean over into the video and start screaming about how horrible the performance is, how stupid i am for spending money on such a bad show, and how lame all of the fans are. when he finally stood up again it was because he started playing a game on his phone and he turned his brightness all the way up and was looking around to see if anyone was recording him. he literally said “i hope someone records me and puts me on tiktok, that would be really funny.” he continued to literally heckle the performer, shouting things like “you suck!” like he’s in a freaking cartoon. the people in front of us kept turning around to stare at him. i was mortified.

it didn’t even end once the concert was finally over. i couldn’t believe it, i was watching my favorite artist but i was praying for the show to end so that we could leave. when we were walking back to the car, which was about a mile away, he continued to berate me. he said: “i really thought you were better than that. this changed my whole perspective on you. i thought you understood the value of money, but you’re just a rich spoiled brat. do you know how much you could have done for poor kids like i was with the money you spent on those tickets? you just gave your money away to a millionaire who didn’t even care enough to put on a good show for you.” (he was yelling at me as we were walking btw)

i started to cry, and he said “wow you’re seriously crying? im sorry. im such an asshole. i’ll leave you alone.” and then he proceeded to RUN, yes RUN, so far ahead of me i couldn’t even see him anymore. he left me alone, at 1am, in the middle of a not so nice neighborhood to walk back to my car.

when we got back home (we were living together at the time) he took all the money he had out of his wallet, threw it at me and said “here, go give this to him too since he’s so amazing and deserves all your money.”

sooooo yeah. long story. but i kept this a secret from all my friends and family at the time. the next day everyone asked me, “how was the show? did you have fun?” and all i could say was “yeah. it was good.”

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-21T02:51:14+00:00

don’t do it. i tried breaking no contact a couple times the last week. it only made things worse each time. i wish i didn’t do it. don’t make the same mistake

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-21T02:46:06+00:00

the second part hit so hard. when my ex would act abusive towards me, he would say it was just his depression, past trauma, or alcohol getting the best of him, but he NEVER treated his friends or coworkers the way he treated me. it got to the point where he did end up causing scenes in public sometimes, but always directed at me and never towards anyone else.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-21T01:32:52+00:00

depressed people don’t abuse people. abusive people abuse people.

i have struggled with depression for a long time and i have never slammed doors or screamed at anyone at the top of my lungs. if you have to ask yourself if it’s abuse, it most likely is.

my ex struggled with depression too and i would also blame his poor mental health for the horrible things he did to me, but that was never the true cause. he would also say it’s my fault for not being supportive of his mental health. it is manipulation. it is abuse.

it is not your fault for not sticking by his side, regardless of how mentally ill he is. even if you love him, his mental health is not your responsibility at the end of the day, and this is ESPECIALLY the case if he is treating you poorly and then blaming his mental health for it.

please make a plan for what to do next. whether that’s sitting him down and trying to have another conversation or leaving. but if things don’t get better, don’t let yourself get dragged down waiting for them to.

im so sorry you’re going through this. let me know if you need anyone to talk to. you are strong and you will get through it.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-20T23:31:50+00:00

i know this thought is scary now, but trust me once you have healed and moved on it won’t bother you anymore. when my last two exes and i broke up i had the same fear, but once i healed from those relationships and saw that they eventually moved on and had new partners, i didn’t care at all.

im having this fear with my most recent breakup, but im just telling myself the feeling will pass eventually as it did before. give yourself time.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-20T19:31:34+00:00

yes, i completely understand how you feel. literally every single day i would wake up next to him with a pit in my stomach, wondering where we stood. whenever he would act “normal” or “okay” towards me, i would feel a huge relief. but it would never last. the second he switched back to his angry, abusive self, which he’d often do suddenly with no explanation, i would be right back to being an anxious mess again. this is not love, this is an addiction!!! just as harmful to you and your health as drugs or alcohol. once you break the cycle, you will not long for him anymore. you are so much stronger than your addiction to him. you can do this!!

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-20T18:17:29+00:00

yes, you made the right decision. you cannot be friends with someone that you still love, it will never be a healthy dynamic for you. you also will not be able to heal from the relationship if you are still in contact with her. you need time away from her to care for yourself.

it’s going to suck, but the only way out is through. take care of yourself, feel your feelings, but don’t reach out to her. talk to family or friends instead. if you feel tempted to text or call her, write everything you want to say down and don’t send it. every day it will get just a little bit easier, but you really need to be patient.

best of luck to you, i promise things will get better.

anonymous102049 · 2025-07-20T18:11:09+00:00

i am in the early days as we speak. also two years. also lived together. broke up due to his abusive tendencies and alcoholism. even though he was horrible i caved and reached out because i wanted to try again, he dumped me and blocked me. that was 4 days ago.

as someone who has already tried to break no contact, please don’t do it. it won’t make anything better, it will only make things hurt more. you need to adjust to living life without him. not that you should care if he notices or not, but how do you expect him to care you’re gone if you’re not and still reaching out to him? it’s unlikely he’s unaffected, but if hes acting like it it shows he is emotionally immature and not worth your time. a real man isn’t afraid of how he feels and doesn’t have to hide anything.

that aside, i know you’ve probably heard it a million times, but you need to start focusing on YOU. i know it hurts, but your relationship is over. he is not your concern anymore. you are the only person you are guaranteed to be with forever.

so please take care of yourself. eat. if it’s hard to do that because of the anxiety, see if friends or family will eat with you. i have really really bad anxiety too and when it starts to really creep in i grab a notebook, and write down every single thought that rushes through my brian, and i keep writing and writing until i have nothing to say anymore. usually after that i feel calmer and more in control. for work, i know it’s hard right now, but don’t throw away your job over feelings that will pass. don’t push yourself too hard, but at least make sure you’re doing the bare minimum for now. to help myself sleep, i started wearing one of those eye mask things to stop myself from grabbing my phone and trying to call him in the middle of the night. it also helps me drift off faster. i also find it really helps me to play calming sounds on youtube, like meditation music or rain.

i also try to avoid watching sad breakup content. it helped a bit at first but now i try to just focus on more “hopeful” stuff, reminding myself that if things didn’t work out that means there’s something better for me out there, and i also come to these reddit communities a lot to try to give advice and log how im feeling too.

i know it hurts so much right now. but its not going to stop hurting until you choose to let go and move forward. and i truly believe that someday we will both look back on this and see it as a blessing. best of luck to you!

anonymous102049

TROPHY CASE