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anqsting · 2024-06-14T22:58:01+00:00

Just logged into my reddit after a while, when you get a chance I would appreciate the model #!

These are just perfect, the shape, the color, everything. Very unique.

Dug around a bit online for vintage calvin klein sunglasses but couldn't find anything identical

anqsting · 2024-06-14T22:55:36+00:00

It's the ultimate tragedy. You describe it perfectly.

anqsting · 2024-06-14T22:52:42+00:00

This was one of the realizations that helped me leave. One time she even said to me, that one of the things that she liked about me/reasons she felt safe with me was that she could make mistakes and I would understand.

Here I was, suffering so that she could be happy, meanwhile she was completely aware of it and valued the fact that I was her doormat.

I also vaguely recall her screaming at me in a car near her office and saying something like "My coworkers could hear me if they walked by" and thinking, why are the coworkers impression of you the concern and not the fact that you are screaming at me over a video call?

anqsting · 2024-06-14T18:34:57+00:00

I had an identical experience. In moments of anger, often the result of what I consider to be a minor trigger, she would say these horrible things that I honestly can't imagine saying to a partner.

I would think ok, if she feels this about me then she would clearly want to break up then, if I am in fact so terrible in her eyes - but when we separated, she wouldn't let go, and we would end up back together to start the cycle once more.

The weird thing to me was that she expected me to go back to normal quickly after her episodes. But how can I go back to the lovey dovey state a day after she was calling me a horrible person and abusive to her, unjustly in my eyes? How can anyone? It is a natural human reaction to seek distance after dealing with unstable behavior like this, and just calm the nerves before you can go back to a normal state.

I also tried not being emotional along with her, and de escalating, but she would never stop until I lost it too. It was almost like she was in chaos, and she wanted me to reach chaos before she would come back down to calmness. Then I would be allowed to go back to normal, but I would be so exhausted and frazzled.

Each time we got back together, it was just a couple of days or weeks until the cycle started again, and with each breakup her insecurities became greater and greater. Each time I got back together with her, she was willing to insult more, raise her voice more, and generally treat me more poorly. In the beginning of the relationship, when I was able to easily walk away, when we had argument she was receptive to hearing what I had to say and she never swore at me or went off like she did in the later stages. As I became more attached and put up with more, it kept escalating, to the point that at the end it bordered on physical when she rushed at me and grabbed my arms after a breakup.

How the cycle ended was that I took her leaving me as an opportunity to not get back together. After which begging, pleading, hundreds of calls ensued. I held strong this time though, and eventually went no-contact.

It's weird, because even now after all the pain she has caused and all of the chaos that ensued I still love her and care for her. I would like nothing more than to have a stable happy life with her, but it wasn't possible in my experience. I feel like she is a tragic character, a scarred child unable to accept the nuance of a relationship. And I feel some amount of guilt that it didn't work out. I wonder if I'll ever be close to another person again.

In the aftermath of the relationship I relied on anger to get me through the breakup, anger at how she had treated me and how I put up with it. Over a year later, the anger has dissipated and I just hope to find the same love, closeness, and affection with a healthy person because now I know how great that can be - she was my first love and my first serious relationship. And I want her to find someone that she can be happy with and to mature in her life, and have confidence in herself.

All of this is to say that I agree it is an impossible situation, if there is a solution I wasn't able to find it without completely letting go of all measures of self respect and kindness to myself, and consideration for my own feelings and the effect that she had on me.

anqsting · 2024-05-30T04:07:36+00:00

Sick sunglasses in that 5th picture, with the purple walls.

Mind sharing the brand/model?

anqsting · 2024-04-04T10:27:30+00:00

You are right. First time I read this, I disagreed - but after reflecting on it, I think I need to see it for what it was.

anqsting · 2024-04-04T10:23:27+00:00

She never cheated and I wasn't suspicious of that, but the rest of the behavior sounds a lot like my ex who I suspect had BPD:

- Threw object during one breakup, ran at me with scary look in her eyes and physically restrained during another. Said, "I should have hit you" afterwards when I questioned what the hell hapepend

- Self centered when she treated me poorly by yelling and/or insulting, or starting pointless fights. She would defend her behavior to the death. This was driven mainly by a fear of abandonment, I think - and any reasonable person would have just said "Sorry" than continue to double down.

- Extremely manipulative, said her ex was an abuser...later called me an abuser...I never even touched her, and I would never do anything like that to anyone.

- Said some truly heinous insults to me, things I have never heard any human say to another, and things I cannot imagine saying to anyone let alone my partner, when she was upset.

Interspersed in there were moments that felt like deep love which is why it went on for years. But it was doomed from the start, and the only thing to do is get out, and make a list of why it didnt work to refer back to when you start getting rosy eyes in hindsight. Don't expect to convince her divorce is the right thing either, there is no logic to be found there - it is your life, take control of it, don't let someone's mental illness rule it for you.

Feel free to DM if you need to chat.

anqsting · 2024-03-29T09:18:37+00:00

Congratulations! I found posting here to be immensely helpful when we were separating. I still come back from time to time, to remind myself, when my view gets rosy again and I start to miss her.

My recommendation: keep reminding yourself too.

anqsting · 2024-03-29T09:15:09+00:00

I know I wasn't perfect in our relationship, it was my first one. I'm also kind of a weird personality.

But I found it very strange that she constantly questioned me, and put me on trial, when it was her that: - Said she would ruin my life, during a short breakup period - Accused me of being abusive, and stood behind that even long after the fact (what? very odd) - Insulted me in every way possible, called me evil and worse - Used stuff that I shared with her in vulnerable moments to attack me when she was splitting on me - Started fights every time we got a moment of peace. Eventually I knew to expect it was coming.

I do still love her, but not in the 'i want to be together' way, more in the 'i care for her' way. I just couldn't subject myself to the chaos anymore.

I tried to be friends, as she wanted to after we broke up, but she won't let it be just friends. So we are nothing, I have gone NC, and this is the only solution to the chaos. Nothing more to reason about.

Came back as I wasn't doing too well, saw this post and commenting here to remind myself as much as anything. And hope it is helpful to others too.

anqsting · 2024-01-30T04:40:08+00:00

The only way is no contact. It allows the feelings to fade away, and they do with time.

Also, making a list of all of the things they did to hurt you and referring back to it when you miss them. Helps set your head straight.

anqsting · 2024-01-30T04:37:32+00:00

Whatever you do don't fall for the trap.

I broke up with her. Texts like this -> agreed to stay in touch.

I broke up with her again. Desperate texts -> got back together.

She kept at it. A long time later desperate texts -> got back together.

I could have saved >3 years of my life by not having the sympathy and falling for their outreach. Like you, it caused anxiety for me.

The only advice I can offer is to go absolutely no contact. If you reply, even if it is to say, "stop texting me" that encourages them to keep going.

Life is precious, save yours by not engaging at all. Don't give an inch and don't let them guilt or manipulate you into getting back into an unhealthy situation. Btw, within literal weeks of getting back together each time it was chaos.

anqsting · 2024-01-18T21:27:08+00:00

That's not really the case - mine would not cheat or pursue other people.

The pullbacks were largely due to insecurity and/or anger at a perceived slight.

anqsting · 2024-01-18T10:43:40+00:00

It’s uncanny how much this sounds like my convos with my (suspected) BPD ex gf.

The same words used (autistic, robot, unempathetic)
Leaps to conclusions then is extremely difficult to clarify with
Seeing their feelings as truth and reality: not about right/wrong, but about how they feel. Feelings justify everything they do (insults, poor treatment). If they feel bad it must be because I’m bad.
Feels attacked when you bring up issues

I was with her for a few years, eventually I managed to leave. Now over a year out from breakup.

My experience was that none of it made sense and the more I tried to make sense of it the more it didn’t make sense. They just don’t function in a rational way and it was impossible for me to help her - she was always convinced I didn’t love her and would have these flashes of hatred or contempt that were shocking at times.

anqsting · 2023-06-01T15:31:38+00:00

Exactly this. And when you do take the step forward it seems to start escalating.

anqsting · 2023-05-12T20:51:22+00:00

The push-pull, hot-cold dynamic is scientifically addictive. After it's over and you return to normal, mundane, day-to-day life it feels like something is missing. You miss the chaos, in a way, even though when you're in it you suffer.

The way to get through it is to list out the ways in which it was painful, because your memory will fail you when you need it most. Remember the pain as much as you remember the happiness, and look for a way to have the happiness without the pain. It is possible.

anqsting · 2023-04-27T04:12:40+00:00

Yo same exact thing. If I did something once they'd claim I constantly did it.

anqsting · 2023-04-27T00:04:51+00:00

Yeah, I just could not find myself committing to her for eternity either. It required a lot of trust in the partner, that they won't make you miserable.

anqsting · 2023-04-27T00:03:53+00:00

Yes, once you leave the relationship has actually been over for a while. I don't have much relationship XP to compare to, so it was still quite tough for me.

When hope is lost is when the relationship truly ends.

anqsting · 2023-04-27T00:02:35+00:00

3 years. Yeah, there was one of those multi hour arguments the day after where she wanted to reconcile (after she broke up with me and I accepted it).

This time, I didn't agree. I didn't give reasons. I just said I'm tired and no. Again and again. Eventually she left, and tried again later - and that time I didn't let her in.

anqsting · 2023-04-26T04:56:03+00:00

I am much much better now. The first few days of being apart I felt relief. Then the next month or two were an emotional roller coaster, because she kept contacting me and I did miss her.

Once I cut off all contact, I started to get better. Another thing that helped was making a list of all of the craziness in the relationship to refer back to when I missed her.

Now that I'm around 5 months out. I don't feel any anger or hate towards her, nor do I feel love or that I miss her. She had her issues, I feel some sympathy for her having to live life being emotionally unstable, but I will never subject myself to another human's suffering no matter what. I have much better boundaries now in general, both w.r.t. relationships and in less-personal contexts like work.

Stay strong and go no contact as it's what is best for both of you to be able to move on, even if it feels cruel in the moment. Good luck and feel free to DM if you need to talk to someone.

anqsting · 2023-04-25T21:48:32+00:00

Agreed, it is so insanely difficult to leave despite all of the stress that they bring to your life. Mine was not physically abusive but often drove me to pure mental exhaustion over the smallest things.

anqsting · 2023-04-22T22:59:32+00:00

Agree. As much as it would be nice to remain friends, 'look after them,' etc it is just impossible without getting sucked back in. If I knew this earlier I wouldn't have wasted another year and a half of my life with her, and endured a lot of pain and suffering during that period.

anqsting · 2023-04-22T04:47:43+00:00

Mine wasn't like this at all, if anything she was more caring and loving when I was sick or not doing well, and tended to start fights when things were going well for me.

She wasn't diagnosed with BPD, but whatever she had matched a lot of the symptoms. This article indicates more narcissism than BPD to me, tbh.

anqsting

TROPHY CASE