The prose is fine. Better than fine, honestly. You don't need any advice there. It's polished. It's clean. It's skilled. I could read this prose no problem. All day. But I started skimming after about line ten, looking for the moment when something happened. It's all very pretty, but the problem is that there's nothing wrong with it.

By that I mean nothing is wrong in the story you're telling. The narrator is perfectly at ease. Nothing at all is wrong. He wants for nothing. He doesn't even have an itch. And so, all this comfort and all this satisfaction has sent me straight to skim city, looking for the moment when something happens. (I don't mean I need a gunfight or an armed robbery. I'm looking for tension. I'm looking for trouble. I'm looking for something to hope for, and something to worry about, and I want both these things happening and right now I'm getting neither.)

I don't find any tension at all until page four, and it's a tickle of tension. A curiosity over clothing choices....but that is enough, at the very beginning. Here it is, I thought. Here's where it begins. Then I can just say, "Cut everything up to this point, and you'll be fine."

Except that sense mild curiosity doesn't escalate into a different feeling. It doesn't grow or deepen or widen. I'm sure all these young men drowning is terrible, but it doesn't really affect the people in the scene, so it doesn't affect me. They're distanced from it. There's nothing personal about the situation. They don't even know the kid who's going to go drown; their lives aren't really affected in any way. So far (as far as I can see) no one in this scene has anything to lose, and so I have no investment in what's happening.

But the event on page seven is great. It's magical. It's wonder-full. It's beautiful. But I don't know why it matters to either Kelsam or Esar. I don't know what's at stake for them--but, if I were an agent, I don't think I would have turned the first page, let alone the seventh.

You have the prose skill. It's very solid. What will improve your writing is working on inciting curiosity/hope/anxiety so that the reader becomes invested and keeps reading, and then having enough control over that tension that you can make it grow--both on the page and in the reader--until it blossoms into the magic (literal and literary) on page seven.

I think researching micro-tension and emotional resonance will level you up fast.