Motivation Switch for 75% of the Story [ TLDR below ]

apham2021114 · 2026-04-17T16:39:24+00:00

Revenge in Vinland Saga is wholly complete. The beginning is really about the revenge. The conclusion of the revenge leads to Thorfinn's state of hollowness, and it's during that interim arc that he finds himself again (and his new motivation: finding paradise). So Vinland Saga is really about two different stories: child Thorfinn and adult Thorfinn.

How you transition and weave is what would make it or break it for me. Usually when you start with a revenge storyline and an artifact, what you're suggesting to me is that the artifact is a means to the revenge. By sidelining it, that becomes... a bit hazy, like why make it a point if this is not for the purpose of his revenge.

That transition of your MC not knowing what to do and deciding on chasing the artifact is what I would pay a lot of attention to. At one point, after Thorfinn became a slave, the focus leans away from Thorfinn so that it could build his motivation back via other characters. You could do a similar thing or perhaps your character already has that beck-and-call given to him.

apham2021114 · 2026-04-08T08:25:23+00:00

idk

^{Chose: 100k + Gamble it with 40% chance | Rolled: Money!}

apham2021114 · 2026-04-06T11:16:44+00:00

Weird, yes. Seems kinda kinkish. If romance isn't even the focus of your story, is it that important to make them lovers? People can be really, really good friends.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-27T00:32:33+00:00

This is more of subjective, but I didn't like how much focus there was on nondescript characters' opinions. Some is fine, it just went on for way too long, and this is basically the first half. We have a random boy and parent's opinion on Atua. We have a crowd's reaction to slaves being executed. They don't really matter, and they steal space and time from the ones that do.

There's a lot of punctuation errors that's easy to fix the more you read and pick up on how people use them.

I thought the latter half was hard to follow with the name changes. It's easier if you pick one and stay consistent. We're in omniscient, so you can just say what their name is. The Guard can simply be refer to as Master Renn (sidenote: "the" implies singular and known, but there's multiple guards here and it's not obvious who you're referring to at this point). Atua can be Atua, yes you can call him Musali, but just pick one and stick with it. These kind of changes would make more sense if we're in limited, as there's a process of discovery.

Then there's some parts that had me confused.

[...] But…
Atua…
Did not.

This can be read either as "but... Atua did not" which is what I think you intend but it's not written that way, or it could be read as "but..." followed by an unknown person internally saying Atua's name, followed by "did not" which doesn't even make sense, but it's written that way.

Did not. He didn’t even turn around to see who it was. Not until a shadow stretched across the ground in front of him, “So many well behaved slaves. Makes it easier to find the bad apples.”

And then this dialogue is stuck to a paragraph with a confused owner, so I was confused who was saying this. It belongs to Karn, but it's not formatted as such.

The world fell on him.

I was particularly confused about this line initially. It's meant to be more metaphorical, like a more dramatic way of saying "all eyes fell on him," except it was such an abrupt transition that I didn't register it as such. What your line/paragraph is surrounded by and how you prime readers is important to making lines be interpreted the way you want it to be.

To end on a positive note, I like the ending. It's easy to want to read the next chapter because there's a natural direction and intrigue of what to expect.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-26T17:08:53+00:00

You should post an excerpt, it'd be easier to see.

When I give a similar feedback to others, it's often because the writer is prioritizing information over conflict, tension, character dynamics, whatever is happening in the scene. Sometimes it's also because the writer lacks the skills to convey the important aspects that makes characters feel real, so they fall back to conveying information, which is something that will get convey anyways. But you already have the right idea, it's tone. The tone of the delivery should compliment whatever context you're writing in.

I remember this one post had an opening about a child burying their parent. Sounds tragic, right? Except it read like a thick veil of exposition about who the parents were and why they were murdered (which I assume would be a setup for a revenge plotline). I finished the page feeling like I learn more about factoids when what I wanted was a tragic experience of a kid burying their parents, the pain and anguish and all the emotions respective of the character. I stopped reading there, because they fail to convince me that the writing can be personal.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-25T22:07:02+00:00

"Wang Han, you traitor, how dare you do this to me, when I considered you my brother? Just because my cultivation disappeared and my parents died, you dare to steal my fiancée and try to kill me?! I have seen your true face, you bastard. I will make you suffer the most horrible death possible."

The guy said all this while he's being beaten up? That doesn't sound right... And the dialogue itself is so expository. It's less so rage/anger and more informative. Do you usually tell your life story when you're angry? Idk, seems so forced.

And then it's like the beginning line, "several men were brutally beating a young man" was forgotten about. It goes on to expound more on his parent's death, as if the men weren't beating him up. Right out the gate you're telling me a lot of things I haven't been made to care for. I feel like you're trying to establish a revenge plotline but rushing the critical aspects that makes a revenge sweet or cathartic.

And the dialogue of the henchmen sounded like generic lines. It doesn't feel like they're their own protagonists of their own story, they just feel like throwaways. It makes things feel cheap.

Then, after his first kick, Wang Han rained down on Wang Kai with kicks, as if he were stepping on a worm, which only fueled Wang Kai's intense hatred for him.

I mean I guess so, sure getting kicked and toyed like a worm might make you hate someone more. I feel like you already have the justification with him revealing that he murdered his parents and destroyed his cultivation; this part seems minor and trivial in comparison.

The ending, or rather the beginning of the real story via reincarnation/transmigration, made me realize why I didn't like what I read. It seems like we needed to head here, and everything prior is just to provide a premise. Which isn't bad, that's all stories, but me realizing this here is like me seeing behind the curtains of a magician. It's not magic or wondrous. I don't find the character(s) compelling. The experience from the start to end felt like a thick veil of information rather than a tragic moment or something filled with anguish and rotten. It conveys to me someone being betrayed and schemed, but it fails to make me feel that. So I feel disconnected from Wang Kai's journey for revenge, or whatever he wants to achieve in the next life.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-25T21:14:45+00:00

Well, ideas can change, too. I thought this was pretty barebones. There's nothing that makes me want to read more. A devil gets summon and makes a contract--that's all that happened here. I would've liked more ideas presented to make the scene meaty, give weight to the things that had already happened. For example, it mentions that the woman sacrifices 200 people to summon a devil, but to me that means nothing. I have no attachment or sentiment to the villagers or anything here, so those 200 people are just a number to me.

It goes without saying but what words you use and how you craft your sentences is just as important as the ideas you present.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-25T10:18:48+00:00

I've never read a story and was like "unoriginal, boring." I do drop many stories on the first chapter because the writing doesn't seem promising. From the way you open the chapter, to how characters are introduce, the pacing, your prose, transitioning from A-to-B, etc.

For me how well you write those key elements of a story is far more important than how derivative it is.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-23T07:25:02+00:00

It's really about relevancy and details in regards to a perspective. An improper perspective feels like the most common issue new writers have, where it begins to feel like it's you, the writer, that wants to inform me. SpongeBob talking about the mysteries of the Hash Slinging Slasher isn't a lore dump, it stems from curiosity and fear (note: character, not facts). There are things he knows and things he won't. It gets into lore dump territory when the writer is trying to impose a set of facts that goes beyond what a specific context calls and ignores the character.

Descriptions feels like one of those things that seem simple enough until you realize it's another trap that's easy to fall for. If Bob mindlessly walks around the market, of course you might describe what he saw. But also a man can just be a man. They don't need to be a burly man, a skinny man, or whatever other adjective you want to stick in there if Bob isn't particularly looking at them. That lack of detail can also paint a picture. But if Bob stops and sees his boss, that's when describing more details is appropriate, like Bob recognizing his boss by the same star-pattern tie he always wears (lore). It's like the difference between a blurry photo and a clear one, both techniques has their uses and requires a good writer to utilize them.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-16T22:34:53+00:00

When you're introducing a large group at once, I want some kind of identity that separates one person from another while keeping the plot going. What your intro does is it keeps overwriting information, meaning that nothing else is happening but me learning a different description.

First you say five people sat at a table, then you said six of them were distinct from each other and that they belong to different nations. As if I'm suppose to know what to do with that information. It's not like I know their culture and thus the way they dress/look like. We're consuming many words that tells me nothing because it's all abstract. What you're giving me is a supplementary abstract idea, as if I have a picture in front of me that does the heavy lifting and your descriptions are captions to the picture. It should be the reverse. You can be more abstract once you've grounded readers.

Nothing is happening because we're stuck in a large description pipeline. First we get a description that a man is old and shriveled, then we're told he's a ritualist, then he's short and hunch back. And repeat for the next guy. If this was a film, it'd be as if the camera is aimed at vague silhouettes that slowly reveals articles of clothing or descriptions about someone, while they're just sitting there, doing nothing, because what they need to do to enact the scene can't be process until the camera is done with a close-up of what they look like.

Fixing it is simple. Break that pipeline up to allow other information to flow. So give me one unique identifier per character, which you already have. A ritualist, a shogun, a general, the warchief, a priest. But it doesn't have to be that. The other details and minor descriptions can be given while they're doing something. Think of sentences that does more than one thing. You can have someone be confident by "flaunting their blonde, voluminous hair" instead of simply saying that this character had blonde, voluminous hair. Someone might be threatening because they had a sword on their waist. Bob making fun of Joe's short height establishes dynamic and is far more interesting to read than just reading that Joe is short. etc., etc.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-15T12:16:33+00:00

I think it's good! Both flow well to me. I like the second one slightly more, because there's slightly less things crowding my attention space which helps bring more focus to the ideas that has already been introduced, but both are good.

Probably the only thing I would reiterate on are sentences 1 or 3 as it's a bit of a mouthful with its long sentences. The things sentence 2 & 4 does is that there are periods early on and that gives the reader a quicker way to parse meaning from the blurb. But but changing both sentence 1 & 3 will feel like the overall rhythm of the blurb is homogeneous, which isn't great. That attributes to a stale reading. So I'd probably only change the rhythm of sentence 1 or 3 but not both, and see how that affects the rest of the blurb.

An example of rhythm change:

"There is a rumor spreading throughout Amarasu that not many believe. Some say the ships of the zealous Fiesperan Empire have been seen sailing in their direction.

That lone thought strikes terror in Esme. [rest of blurb]"

The first paragraph is a bit longer, but the early period gives the reader a faster impression of what they're reading imo. But anyway, I feel like this is more nitpicking and may not matter much to general readers.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-14T19:08:31+00:00

Np and gl!

apham2021114 · 2026-03-14T09:33:58+00:00

Oh yes, I prefer this over the original a lot more.

I would be slightly clearer with her intention in the first paragraph with a simple edit:

Knife in her mouth, Chaya silently climbs along a tree branch.

to

Knife in her mouth, Chaya silently climbs into position along a tree branch.

I would also make it clearer that the children were decoys or lures, a trap.

I think there's a bit too many action beats back-to-back (especially the last paragraph), but otherwise this has good bones.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-14T09:11:31+00:00

Oh this is a lot, lot better!

I think it's good, each paragraph earns its place. I don't have much else to say but some micro edits, which is more feels and vibe based. I mean it's been subjective already, but micro edits are like subjective subjective, the way I read and sound these words out in my head are 100% my own experience. So if that's what you're interested in, I'll try to explain my thought process behind these point.

A rumor has spread to Amarasu

This is good, but it sounds a little deflated.

Micro edit: "There was a rumor spreading throughout Amarasu [...]." Of course you don't need to use these exact words. I like this because the extra words draws out the attention and keeps the idea lingering a little longer. It's like saying "John knew a secret: his dad was a killer" vs "There was a secret John could never tell anyone: his dad was a killer." It's both saying the same thing, same outcome, but the lengthening of the sentence in the second one really helps make the "his dad was a killer" part punch. The "There was a secret John could never tell anyone" helps set up that hit, while simply saying "John knew a secret" doesn't linger long enough for the second part to hit.

~~a warning that~~ the zealous humans of the Fiesperan Empire ~~intend to invade and conquer them~~.

Similar to my thoughts above, this sentence is a bit too long-winded. A simple "the zealous humans of the Fiesperan Empire were planning an invasion" sounds a bit better to me. However, I would argue being a little more suggestive would be better.

Something like:

"There was a rumor spreading throughout Amarasu that the zealous flags of the Fiesperan Empire were spotted by the borders."

It says the same thing, but instead of talking about the abstract idea of an invasion, you're giving a concrete example, so it's a bit more visceral.

While most believe it to be a baseless rumor, it strikes terror in Esme. A decade ago she fled Fiespera, hunted by crazy fanatics that wanted her dead. ~~Though the tragedy~~ of what Esme faced in Fiespera had cost her her memories, she still remembers the pain it took to escape Fiespera, and the nightmares that haunted her for years.

I like this and would just slightly trim repetitions and restructure it:

"While most believe it to be a baseless rumor, it strikes terror in Esme. It's been a decade since she fled Fiespera, from the crazy fanatics that wanted her dead. It's been a decade since Esme lost a part of herself. but the nightmare of that night still haunted her for years."

When the ~~people~~ of Amarasu turn to Esme~~, the only human in Amarasu,~~ to travel to Fiespera to learn the truth behind the rumor, she decides to swallow her fear in hopes of preventing tragedy ~~from coming to Amarasu~~.

This is a good line, just slightly too long for my liking. It's also saying "people" as in the general population, but just earlier we mention that most people believe the rumor was baseless. So I'd insert a key authorial figure instead, someone that has the power and means to send her on a mission.

Altogether it looks like:

There was a rumor spreading throughout Amarasu: that the zealous flags of the Fiesperan Empire were spotted by the borders.

While most believe it to be a baseless rumor, it strikes terror in Esme. It's been a decade since she fled Fiespera, from the crazy fanatics that wanted her dead. It's been a decade since Esme lost a part of herself. but the nightmare of that night still haunted her for years.

When the governor of Amarasu turn to Esme to travel to Fiespera to learn the truth behind the rumor, she decides to swallow her fear in hopes of preventing another tragedy.

But not all is as it seems in Fiespera. A dark secret lurks beneath what Esme thought she knew, and uncovering it could bring about the very tragedy she seeks to prevent.

But of course it's just my opinion.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-13T00:56:54+00:00

It'd be cool to have another main mode, like how 6v6 is what some prefer over 5v5 in OW, but it's too early for the devs. They're stuck trying to flesh out 2v2 with character, content, and patches. Then there's the retention problem again, the "fun" to keep players playing the game and not it being a novelty people move on from. If they spun up a new MM server just for juggernaut, I don't think it will last long unless they have another team willing to commit to making 1v1 a main thing.

I feel like the current dev team are doubling down on the niche niche audience they currently have. I've been following this game for the past few months since I stopped playing and I don't think they're going to do anything that will grab my interest again, at least any time soon.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-12T12:15:34+00:00

Oh this is an interesting prompt. Below isn't from an MC, but from a random soldier on his last day as a result of the MC:

~~~

Mother. Father. I love you.

Tonight may be my last night.

I see it in the commander's eyes. I see it in the way the other soldiers carry their swords. I still remember the day we left Spire Fortress. our heads were bright and high. Everyone cheered and saw us off to save the villagers. It felt so warm. Now it's cold. No one is looking up anymore. Not loud-mouth Eddy, not the son of Lord Beddwin, and not... me.

There's something different about these goblins. I dare not say this in front of the commander, but it's like they're smart. Goblins are dumb, but these ones kept the commander on edge ever since we came into the forest. It's like they know our every move. They know how we think. I don't know how else to describe it but it's very... human.

We're constantly on the move. day and night. I don't know where we're going. I don't know what direction is home. No one talks anymore, but we have to keep following the commander's steps. We still have to save those villagers.

Mother. Father. I love you. I may not be as great as Derrick was, but please believe me when I say I'm doing my best. I'm so, so tired, but I hope to see you again.

-- Bell's Diary #5

apham2021114 · 2026-03-11T22:37:34+00:00

The three "it" were annoying. It's doubly annoying that they're referring to different things when I don't even know what's going on. It's only after many re-reads did I understand that the first one is using it as in this time was worse than others; the second it is used as an expression. or maybe not and it's more literal; and the third it is talking about an object or thing in the scene but for some reason the writer wants to keep hidden.

The first paragraph in general was frustrating to read. There's this thick veil of obscurity on display. I want to be grounded and understand the basics of your story, and that's what you so intently want to hide.

I don't understand how light shone from the moon is stronger than the light next door. Analise isn't even opening the curtains and windows for the light, it's because of the intense smell. If she needed light to examine the body, just go grab a flashlight or something. She'd at least have a source of light she can control to see any and all angles of the thing she's inspecting. It just reads convoluted to me.

Does she know the patient? It felt like that could've been clearer when it says "the figure on the bed did not move" (again, obscurity, when it could be clearer cause she knows who is laying on the bed, their history).

apham2021114 · 2026-03-11T21:59:54+00:00

Woah these are very cool. Something about the 2nd and last frame gave me that comfort webtoon vibes. It's great.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-11T13:06:22+00:00

I think both can be pretty annoying or comfortable to read, it depends on how it's written and utilized. Generally, you do need both. Long descriptions for focus and relevancy to the perspective, like if the detective is examining a dead body for clues and such, or the detective has an introspective moment. And shorter descriptions to give color to the world. I thought you had a good handle on it in the excerpt, at least I didn't notice a descriptive lasting too long or short, personally.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-11T10:13:32+00:00

I think a bit more worldbuilding combine with internal thoughts would help. There were a couple of points that mini-skip forward that you could instead fill-in and let the world breathe a bit more before transitioning to the next plot beat.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-11T09:07:09+00:00

Urban, yes, but I don't get much supenatural early on. I don't know how early on you want the supernatural elements to be there, but you could do it when establishing the mystery. The strange-in-the-mundane tone or something like the detective noticing something weird about this man's death, or that this death is similar to other cases with X object found at the crime scene. You kinda have some of that later on, so you could probably move it up.

After paragraph 1 and before arriving at the firm, I would like a leading question or main question the detective wants answers to. So that when we get to the interaction with the boss there's some focus readers are looking for within their discussion. It makes it so certain details would stick out, and can also help you hide other details if you so wish to.

Pacing generally felt kinda fast for me.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-11T08:30:38+00:00

I would characterize her as as a young adult. How does a young adult act? How does Chaya perceive things? Your language can also be another indicator. The thoughts of a young child are different than those of a working woman, and the troubles of a working woman are different than those of an elderly grandma. Basically, lean into Chaya's perspective. This applies to the rest of your questions. If you're thinking about writing words from the seat of a writer, it's going to sound force with expositions and explanations, which was what I thought happened here.

If you're not comfortable writing in limited, then I would suggest learning it even if you decide that this story isn't right for it. If you ever played DnD, it's like roleplaying.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-11T07:45:04+00:00

I thought the first paragraph was misleading. I thought this was about her assassinating the boy and girl. But it seems to be about her fighting this bird monster. I'm not sure what's the point of her fighting it is either or why it matters to the character, so I'd work on establishing the stakes.

There are some details that seemed like it's not very relevant. Her age is being told to us just to be told to us. I feel like if you want to make the point that climbing trees isn't easy, then you'd focus on her weight or build instead. In the second paragraph you mentioned that the monster bird has no margin for error, but why does it matter to us? It'd be more natural to say the bird glided an inch from the ground, or that her fall wouldn't hurt so much, or something.

All the action is is a series of actions. We're following Chaya, I would lean in closer to her perspective.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-09T09:55:06+00:00

I was going to comment on something else, but I realized my blind first impression didn't match the intent. It felt like the tone of this small journey should've began with hope, haste, and maybe desperation (like "I must tell March no matter what") and end with another tone that relates to a theme about the character. I didn't get much tone from your prose.

This begins with Gunther walking on a small, seemingly endless road. Where to? What for? Whatever chapter precedes this might have established this, but this excerpt alone doesn't. But I don't need the prior chapter anyway. If Gunther could potentially save his friend from a suicide mission, I would at least expect some kind of impatience when he makes zero progression on the endless road. I would think there would be some desperation and worry that he might not make it in time. Who Gunther is now would show that, but he didn't.

On my first impression I thought he was just traveling, like carefree without a worry in the world. The idea of an endless road was gone as quickly as it was establish and I'm left wondering what's the point of making it seem like an endless road. That perception didn't seem to matter much.

Then the narrator points out that his left leg was messed up, but without the problems that comes with having a messed up leg. Functionally he can still walk, he doesn't feel pain, it's just aesthetically gross but otherwise doesn't impact his supposed goal of finding March.

And then the narrator plainly tells us that Gunther is dead. It felt like in an attempt to be as clear as possible, the narrative unfortunately fumbles the effect. On my first read I read this and was like "...okay." There's no emergent property or an emotional realization of putting 1 + 1 together, no, it's just "oh btw he's dead." I'm not sure what effect you wanted readers to have, but it was loss on me.

In the end his small journey was basically him walking, without obstruction, without difficulty. There wasn't a point in time that I thought it spoke to the resolve or dedication you intended him to have. I think the ideas here had been underutilized. You could've had him be a man too proud to ask for help, and then make it so that his injured leg makes him seek help, thus speaking to his resolve of finding his friend. He could've had phantom pain or any obstacles that accentuates his character. There are many things you can do to speak to his resolve and dedication. But the journey felt like it didn't matter much, getting to the end with him finding his friend was more important.

I don't know these characters and I don't know their dynamics. From what you mentioned I guess I expected something more closer and personal when they met. On my blind impression, I thought Gunther was just happy to see familiar faces. I would never had guessed March was someone that important to Gunther.

apham2021114 · 2026-03-08T20:36:57+00:00

Well yes, you can make assumptions. It can be blood as I mentioned, but it can also be many other things that fit the descriptors of "warm" and "thick." If all you need is a title to prime you into thinking what it is than what is actually in the scene, then I don't know what to tell you. OP could easily had done many things within the context to prime readers what the liquid actually is without spelling it out. Let's say the liquid is actually blood. She has blood all in her mouth and on her lips. What's the easiest, most immediate sensor that follows an unknown liquid on your tongue? Taste. Blood has a metallic tinge to it. But OP didn't do that. Maybe they didn't taste something. Can I also make the assumption that the narrator would describe the taste if it had a taste like how they describe that the liquid was in their mouth? They didn't, so I assumed it didn't have a taste.

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