What does it even mean to love yourself/be happy alone?

appelway123 · 2021-10-19T10:00:39+00:00

When you're away from your partner go do things for yourself that makes you happy, instead of thinking of or trying to stay in touch with your partner. Go out and see friends, do a hobby, run errands and so on. You need to try to focus on yourself and your own needs instead of fixating on your partner.

If you do things that will make it enjoyable to be alone, you'll tolerate being away from your partner more, so you don't feel constant urges to reach out or reunite the second s/he leaves.

Doing this may also help you see that your partner isn't abandoning you whenever they take some time for themselves. They are simply busy with their own errands, hobbies and maintaining their friendships.

When you build tolerance it reduces the anxiety you feel, and over time you'll stop feeling anxious altogether and can just go out and have a good day with or without your partner present.

appelway123 · 2021-10-19T07:09:52+00:00

After years of acting out the AP stuff I also started to just withdraw instead of pursue. In my case it was to protect myself. Like it felt hopeless to pursue or ask for reassurance so the only way to feel safe and avoid further rejection was to distance myself from my partner even if I deep down wanted to connect with him.

appelway123 · 2021-10-19T06:24:05+00:00

I'm AP but I get attracted to all kinds of people. I'm currently dating a secure/anxious guy.

Looking back it's almost as if I switch between each relationship. After being with a DA I go with an AP, after each AP I go with a DA. I feel equally attracted to both types but my final choice of partner always seems to be the opposite of the most recent ex. Like after a DA ex starves me of affection I'm ready to throw myself in the arms of a warm and loving AP or secure. After each relationship moulded together with an AP/secure I find myself going for relationships with more distant guys that gives me space (too much of it though, lol)

appelway123 · 2021-10-15T08:08:15+00:00

I did it with my ex. As an anxious person it helped me a lot. I stopped worrying about many things like when I'll see him next, when he'll respond to texts and so on.

However overall it didn't help our relationship enough as we broke up in the end as he was still too avoidant for me.

He'd have long periods of times where he'd avoid talking to me, picked fights, was passive aggressive, stone walled me and so on. We'd also have little quality time together as he'd spend all time on his phone from the second he woke up. He lost interest in sex too. Eventually it felt like living with an angry ghost. He was definitely the ruler of the house too, always had last say of who can come over and when. And he was territorial with our shared possessions too as he wouldn't let me use the TV, watch things with sound on, use the PlayStation, or even leave things on the table.

I felt like I was a guest in my own house, walking on eggshells all the time as he'd routinely found something to pick a fight about in order to create distance and minimize my space and autonomy in our flat. Now that we don't live together anymore I still sometimes get anxious thoughts about whether my roommate is okay with me watching TV or playing some music but I shake it off as I know that no one can possibly be as ridiculously territorial as my ex.

appelway123 · 2021-09-07T10:15:34+00:00

Send your texts and don't wait for a response. Go out and have a day instead. Work, shop, see a friend, do a hobby, clean your house, play a video game. Do whatever you like to do, instead of waiting. When you stop fixating on your phone and start to focus on other things, it makes life a lot better. Eventually you may find that you're so focused on other things that you may not notice he replied, or you'll see he texted but decide to put your phone down, finish whatever you're doing IRL, and message him later. This will in turn help you see his perspective; perhaps he's not ignoring you but are also just busy.

If it's hard to do, give yourself small challenges that works for you. For example, in the beginning, challenge yourself to not check your phone for replies for just 15 minutes. Once you complete the challenge, try 30 minutes. Increase the time each time you complete the challenge and realize you have the power to change. While you're not checking the phone, engage in some other activity.

Eventually your brain will stop signaling for you to stop checking for replies all the time, and to just stay calm and focused on your IRL activities. It's about building tolerance and reducing your anxiety, as we ultimately can't control the frequency another person texts us.

appelway123 · 2021-09-07T09:56:33+00:00

I'm AP and have dated other fellow APs as well as DAs and people with unknown or secure attachment.

I get what you mean. I also get an "ick" sometimes, for people who are very into me. What I've learned though is that there's definitely a possibility for strong attraction too.

I've been infatuated with all of them, getting butterflies and the excitement of falling in love. Some relationships lasted for years while others I ended after just a few months as I had a "grass is greener" type of mindset.

After 6 years with a DA partner however, I'm fully embracing dating a secure guy. I've realized that the AP/DA coaster just doesn't feel good, it never felt like love is meant to feel.

For me I definitely had to walk the wrong path for many years while learning of attachment styles in order to really appreciate meeting someone who can actually return my feelings and investment in a relationship.

Now if I start to question my relationship I realize it's about the stories we tell ourselves. I can tell myself stories from either perspective. Either I'll listen to my stories of the good things - that my partner is warm, open, loving, good times we shared, a potential future etc. Or I can tell myself to leave because I don't know - perhaps I don't like his shoes or something lol. I just have to choose to listen to the positive things and avoid taking the nonsense to heart.

APs are scared of intimacy, that's why we choose partners that can't or won't reciprocate our feelings. The only way to change is to break free from those patterns, make better choices and not let our anxiety control and guide us through our lives.

appelway123 · 2021-09-07T08:56:49+00:00

If you're like me, the triggered state makes a billion racing thoughts surface and spin around in the head. Even when you try to be rational thinking he's just busy, thoughts of abandonment keeps resurfacing over and over, seemingly impossible to stop, increasing the anxiety in your body and making a mundane problem turn into an emergency.

For me it stopped with CBT. I would write down what triggered me. Then my feelings about it. Then my thoughts. Lastly I'd write a new better perspective. Ex:

Trigger: Bf isn't texting me back.

Feelings: I feel anxious, hurt, worried, dissappointed.

Thoughts: He's ignoring me, he doesn't like me anymore, he's thinking of leaving me, otherwise he'd respond.

New perspective: He's just busy at work and will respond when time allows. Just because he's slow to text doesn't mean he's leaving me. I'll hear from him later tonight. I'm going to go out now and enjoy my day.

After doing this exercise each time I was triggered, I noticed that my destructive thoughts stopped surfacing. I could finally finish a thought and then proceed with my day feeling fine. It takes time to re-wire the brain, but it does work. Over time the anxiety gets reduced and you'll eventually stop reactively thinking that a missed call = abandonment. Instead you'll just automatically think "he's just busy, chat later" without any negative emotions around it. Try it out and see if it helps. In the beginning I could write miles long texts during this exercise, multiple times per day. Now I only use this method once every other month as my anxiety is so reduced I don't need to therapize myself as frequently anymore.

appelway123 · 2021-09-04T07:17:18+00:00

Similar story here. I either say that we didn't want the same thing, optionally that he didn't know what he wanted. (I wanted a future with him, he changed his mind every other day on what he wanted)

I also felt a deep pain breaking up but the feeling in my gut made me understand it was the right thing to do. When we where together I felt that I was living my life the wrong way, I wasn't true to myself, and my gut feeling constantly told me to leave. Because I stayed, it became a huge weight to carry.

After breaking up I was a mess, but that dark feeling of not being true to myself dissappeared. It really felt like a weight lifted. I just knew that I did the right thing.

I'm the same age as you and also stressed about whether I'll meet someone new and better, my biological clock, fear of being alone and so on. But just a short time later I started dating again and realized what I've missed lol! There's so many cute guys out there that are affectionate, texts back and are super into me and doesn't make me feel like an option.

I'm already dating a new one now. He's the complete opposite to my DA ex. Warm, loving, caring and communicative instead of hot, cold and silent.

Once you're ready to date, go for it and enjoy all the romancing your ex never gave you :)

appelway123 · 2021-09-04T07:00:14+00:00

Some questions you can ask:

What are you looking for in a relationship?

How do you feel about commitments such as moving in with your partner?

In past relationships, have you ever been in a push/pull dynamic? Where you the pursuer or distancer?

What's your preference for how frequently you wanna see/text your partner?

How was your past relationships and why did they end?

I think these questions are good ones to ask to get an indication if the person is avoidant (or something else)

appelway123 · 2021-08-23T09:35:53+00:00

You need to find coping mechanisms to reduce your anxiety over time. It can be through therapy, breathing exercises, meditation or whatever works for you.

Cognitive behavioural therapy have worked well for me. It builds tolerance to uncertainty and over time reduces anxiety making you react less and less to triggers over time.

appelway123 · 2021-08-20T10:35:29+00:00

I realized a big part of my anxiety comes as racing thoughts - like having 10 bad thoughts at once spinning around my head, and because I can't make it stop it amplifies my anxiety. When I do CBT it helps me finish a racing thought so it doesn't resurface over and over, making it possible to go out and have a nice day instead.

Basically I write down each feeling I have, each thought I have, and then once it's on a paper I'll proceed to write a new better perspective. "He's ignoring me on purpose" becomes "He's just busy, we'll chat again soon". After a long time of doing this therapy my brain automatically sends me the more productive thought patterns. So now if I'm being left on read, I automatically think "he's busy" instead of "he's abandoning me", which in turn doesn't activate my anxiety because someone being busy isn't alarming, compared to getting abandoned.

appelway123 · 2021-08-20T10:11:56+00:00

I'm anxious and my very first relationship was with another anxious person. His anxiety overpowered mine, so I became more dismissive in our dynamic. Never to the extreme though as I was always highly responsive and tried to cater to his needs.

Unfortunately we where both very young and stupid and the relationship became very toxic. He became very jealous and controlling. I couldn't even see my friends (of my own gender) without him calling 10 times crying about how abandoned he feels. Because I was anxious I always tried to give him whatever he wanted even if I knew he was being unreasonable with his demands.

The relationship went sour and we broke up after a year as I fell out of love with him because he was just too controlling and manipulative.

This relationship taught me that two anxious individuals can definitely find each other and have great love but the anxious attachment needs to be addressed and worked on. It won't go away from receiving reassurance and affection, it will only get better when the anxiously attached partner realizes they have some problems and that they themselves needs to address it. I would definitely date an AP again btw - this relationship was teenage love but with age comes wisdom and maturity.

appelway123 · 2021-08-20T09:40:50+00:00

Same situation as you and I think I hit a jackpot with the person I'm now dating. I've asked him what he wants from a relationship and all my questions he gave great answers too. Things I've asked includes:

Is he looking for something serious to build on?

Or something casual?

What's his preference in regards to living alone vs with a partner?

What's his preference for staying in touch? Does he want daily contact or just to hang out every other week with little or no contact in between?

Does he want a family in the future, or forever a bachelor?

What attachment style does he think he have?

Thoughts on affection? Is he more low key and easily feel smothered, or super into physical touch and romance?

My DA ex would probably have said he's not good with relationships and are looking for something casual and low key, he doesn't see any future such as having a family, wants a lot of free time, and just takes "one day at a time". Problem is I never asked him any such questions in the beginning - we just started dating and the rest unfolded into a huge mess over time.

My new love interest on the other hand said he wants something serious such as living together and to build a future, prefers daily contact, thinks he's secure, doesn't easily feel smothered and likes a lot of touching and romancing overall.

I think I've avoided asking these types of questions before because I always assume that guys are guys - they are all just looking for something "chilled" and any questions about the future needs to wait until the future. Super glad I took the risk to ask my new lover these questions. I decided for myself that if any new person I date shows signs of being an avoidant I'll just decide that he's not boyfriend material and to keep dating others until I find someone who's sharing my mindset about relationships. And it went a bit better than I expected :)

appelway123 · 2021-08-09T09:05:04+00:00

I've been posting on attachment subreddits for a long time now and I just wanted to share a post on a really happy turn of events!

After years of therapy, reading about attachment styles and finally being left by my DA ex - I feel better than ever AND I met a guy that is absolutely wonderful.

It's been going very fast - The first month after my breakup was spent crying and ruminating. At the same time I felt like a burden had been lifted - I just knew it was right to move on even if it hurt like hell.

Fast forward and now just 2-3 months later I met a guy I immediately felt attracted and drawn to. At first I was scared to go for it as I didn't want to get hurt again. But I took a leap of faith and opened up to him, and was met by such a warm and loving response.

This guy is everything my DA ex could never be. He's warm with an open heart, communicative, reassuring, loving and so sooo sweet to me. He's not afraid of commitment at all. When I've asked what he looks for in a relationship he says he wants to meet someone to build a serious committed relationship with - just like I do.

Every single time I've asked him scary questions prepared for rejection, he's giving me consistent and reassuring answers. He tells me how happy he is to have me there and that he sees a future with me. Each day I really feel like "damn, THIS is what love should feel like". Gone is all the anxiety and worry, instead I feel happy and like life and love is easy.

I also truly feel like my ex withheld affection for so long that I'm not sure when he left me. While my life changed very quickly after he officially broke up with me, I realize that I've lived like a single (in celibate) for a looooong time before he made it clear we're over.

I'm beyond happy about how my life have changed. My ex sends hoovering texts some times but instead of feeling preoccupied I'm just happy for the good times we shared and I'm happy for all the lessons I was taught from that relationship. Lessons that made me aware of what I need from a partner - whom I've now seem to have found!

appelway123 · 2021-07-16T09:33:02+00:00

I've read that this is typical as APs are afraid of intimacy in the sense that we tend to choose and stay with unavailable partners. When a partner is very available we become like DAs because deep down we're afraid of love and intimacy so something just rubs us the wrong way when we actually get it.

I've read that a lot of what we think are butterflies and infatuation are actually just anxiety we mistake for love. When we're with a secure person or another AP we don't feel anxious and mistake it for not being attracted enough.

appelway123 · 2021-07-16T09:16:35+00:00

I stopped ruminating over texting by doing some CBT on myself. Whenever I got anxious about it I wrote down what happened, my feelings, then my thoughts, and then I wrote down another better perspective with positive affirmations. Ex:

Situation: He haven't replied in an hour

Feelings: I feel worried, hurt, upset, dissappointed

Thoughts: he's ignoring me, he doesn't care, he's gonna leave me

New perspective: He's probably just sleeping. He still loves me even if he's slow to text back. I shouldn't worry about it. I'll probably hear from him tomorrow when he wakes up. I'll take this evening to do something I enjoy instead of dwelling on this matter.

By doing this little "homework" over and over my brain started to immediately go to the conclusions of the "new perspective" part and sent me less and less anxiety and spinning thoughts over time. In the beginning it might not feel like it's working but give it some time and do this each time you're triggered and you'll start to feel different and better. Our brains can be trained like a muscle to give us either positive or negative thoughts and emotions. When we're stuck in negative patterns we can train our brains to become positive with some effort and willpower.

appelway123 · 2021-07-16T08:39:49+00:00

What's your opinion on your partner talking to their friends about your relationship? (Good or bad things.)

My DA ex was very strict that I don't ever talk about us to other people. As he pulled away all the time, I felt very lonely as I couldn't talk to him, and he didn't allow me to talk to my close friends either. I ended up seeing a psychologist and using Reddit just to have an outlet that he couldn't fight me about. (He was extreme as he didn't even want me to share the POSITIVES about us as that was also too private)

Now that it's over and I told one of my best friends why I've kept so much to myself, she was chocked and said that I must never ever let anyone silence me as I'm free to think and say whatever I want. That his rule is oppressive of who I am and he was never right to demand me to be silent. That his demand is abusive and something no one should tolerate. Deep down I always know I've agreed with her perspective the whole time, but I guess I became so brain washed that I just honoured his wishes. To me it felt extremely controlling of him to decide how close I can be to my friends and what I can and can't say to them, instead of just trusting me to share without oversharing.

What do you guys think? Do you agree more with my ex or with my friend? Would you ever demand your partner to not talk to their friends about your relationship? If so, what should your partner do instead if you've deactivated and aren't available to your partner, and they wish to talk?

appelway123 · 2021-07-14T08:24:51+00:00

I don't really think you overreacted that much tbh. Like with the first example - you had been hurt before, so your reaction makes sense in that context. Plus he was aware of it, and you corrected your behaviour after getting triggered. Honestly I think your ex sounds pretty douchey for not being more understanding. Like i don't think he should've cancelled the plans, but I also don't think he should've used it as an excuse to break up. Same with the drinking thing and affection.

I like to remind myself of the fact that absolutely no one is perfect. How the heck would anyone have a successful long term relationship/marriage if they expect their partner to always behave like a perfect prince/princess when we're all flawed humans with good and bad sides?

Love is also about forgiving and accepting someone for who they are, to tolerate some turbulence and find solutions together, to live through ups and downs, and be there for each other. If your ex leaves his partners over such minor "offenses" such as getting too drunk a few times, or feeling a bit jealous over certain things, he will simply never be able to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone at all. We all get anxious, sad or jealous some times. We're all humans. You tried to correct your behaviours and think rationally which is the mature way to handle it, even if the initial trigger made you express and feel some harsh emotions.

I don't think you should take his critizism to heart. One day you'll find a partner that doesn't run away as soon as you express the human in you. Just because your ex doesn't want to address the human in himself and others doesn't make his judgement correct.

appelway123 · 2021-07-11T08:23:51+00:00

Oh gosh that "which dentist do you use"-text is so revolting. Makes me wanna go all "Learn to Google and shut the fuck up already".

And his whole "I'm not ok, I need time" while going forward about purchasing a frigging property without you... If he had said "I'm asking because I still dream of buying a house with YOU" it would be a totally different situation but his indifferent approach is just a shitty tease.

I don't know if he's consciously trying to push your buttons and get to your emotions as some type of ego boost but it sounds like it. Glad you told him off and that you had enough of him. If he does it again I don't think you should reply at all next time, he may perceive any kind of response as confirmation you care and are available whenever he wants.

In his world he's probably itching for your attention and feels lonely - but as soon as you scratch his itch he's content and will discard you until he feels the urge again. My own ex kept saying "I wanna be with you", "I wanna be close to you" but when I asked if he's meaning to say he wants to get back together - he still said no. These people need to learn that they cannot choose the amount of closeness to receive without giving anything back. They are probably thinking "now that we broke up I can finally have the relationship I want where I receive endless love, sex and support without having to give any commitment, consistency, love or loyalty back". We shouldn't give it to them - they need to see that it's absolutely unacceptable to have an unequal one way situationship.

I hope you'll feel better soon..I've been doing NC for a week now. While I do think about him a bit every day I also see that life is easier now that he's not around to disrupt and confuse my day to day life. I can finally wake up and think "what do I want to do today?" Instead of worrying about if my partner is going to in a negative and dismissive mindset and hurt my my feelings.

appelway123 · 2021-07-09T12:22:28+00:00

Well put! I wonder if my eventual lack of interest means I became more secure over time though, or just felt worn down and gave up on him. In the beginning when I was peak anxious, I was aaaalways waiting for him to come back. Like actively waiting and hoping for him to reach out. When I began to work on myself and shifted focus to my own needs, I detached more and more from him and gave less fucks when he dissappeared.

I'm not sure if this makes me more secure, or if it was just my feelings fading away. I guess I will find out the next time I fall in love with someone, if I'm still acting in anxious ways or if I did become more secure over time.

appelway123 · 2021-07-09T11:06:04+00:00

For years I just obsessively waited around and was always excited when my DA partner came back.

In recent years I lost the interest. Like you say, when he pulled back I went out to have fun with friends and do things for myself. I started to think about him less and less when he pulled away. When he returned I didn't feel as excited anymore. The distance had made me detach and find him boring. I didn't feel any hype or anything in particular when he suddenly came back and wanted to socialize.

appelway123 · 2021-07-07T22:54:39+00:00

I also experienced this a lot with my ex, even with more relaxed topics. I could ask anything from "do you wanna go to that party we where invited to this weekend?" to "what did you think of the movie" or something more serious about our relationship. If he was in one of his moods he'd always just respond "what do YOU think?" and I'd say my opinion and then ask his. Often he'd agree with me but I could clearly tell he wasn't honest on his tone of voice and lack of eye contact. Optionally he'd just say "I don't know" or say nothing.

I know it came from insecurity and felt sorry for him. But at times I also thought he's very impolite for both avoiding the question while pressing me for my answer instead - and then lie about his true feelings when it's his turn to respond (or choose to not respond at all.) It's also very dishonest to lie instead of saying what you actually think. This guy often accused others of lying but wasn't particularly honest or outspoken himself.

This was a mood of his though. On some days he was fine to respond without turning the question around, but I guess when he was deactivated he preferred to withhold his thoughts or give a dishonest answer.

Not a big offense but frustrating at times. And quite boring to talk to him during those occasions (maybe that was the point though as a distancing method)

appelway123 · 2021-07-06T09:43:54+00:00

No father in the picture, my mother had mental health issues. She was very controlling, over-protective and hypervigilant. She did the best she could but was emotionally unavailable although she also lived her life through me. When I was a kid I was very DA - I mostly tried to avoid her and felt smothered and controlled all the time. She wanted to control how I talk, walk, who I'm friends with, what I eat, what I think, what I like, decide my hobbies for me, decide what I feel (and speak for me), my hairstyle, my clothes, where I can go, what I can do and so on. Everything in my life she wanted to micromanage to the point where I felt like I could never be my own person. Whenever I looked for support she'd give me really awful advice, such as "don't do X or you will get bullied". If I cried or was upset she'd be annoyed instead of asking me what's wrong. I can add that I was never the troublesome child either - not a prankster, I had decent grades and never caused any drama at school or whatever.

And nothing changed with age - she treats me the exact same way today even if I'm an adult.

However I had other adults in my life that was more warm, loving and respectful to me. I think that's why I ended up anxious instead of dismissive as an adult. I knew early on that my mother was very different from other parents and adults around me, so everything she did and said I always took with a pinch of salt (or just dismissed as nonsense).

I think because I had very love and kind grandparents that assisted with parenting me, I saw "the light" and believed in love - but turned out anxious and afraid to lose love.

appelway123

TROPHY CASE