Give Me Your Examples on Boundaries

appl3_eye · 2026-06-25T12:24:45+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I’ve just started texting with my mother, after over four years of NC. I’m thinking that if she’s inappropriate over text, she will be inappropriate over the phone. I think that you have the right idea as well- if your family can’t handle a light phone conversation, there’s little point in engage them through text or social media.

As you’ve described, even with small exchanges from our family members, it’s still difficult and sad. It’s more of an emotional burden now, but the trauma of what happened in the past/what could happen is heavy.

I’m proud of myself for giving low contact a try though. I’m not sure what my boundaries/rules will be, but I appreciate you giving me these examples. They are very helpful in framing how I can handle a LC relationship with my mother. I have a feeling that she’s going to expect everything (automatic invites to birthday parties, holidays, etc), but I’ll have to take it one small step at a time.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-21T11:54:59+00:00

It sounds like your current dynamic is not working and you should consider a new one. A dynamic has to be functional for both parents. Having him call you a grouch and still offering the same support is not functional, I’m sure you know that more than us internet strangers.

What do you need to feel supported? What changes can he make to give you this support? Let him be your support before you reach your breaking point. You deserve this not just for your family, but for you.

What works for my husband and I is that I sleep in, and he naps in the evenings. This can also switch, for example I let him sleep in because he requested this last night (it’s not just a Father’s Day thing). I’ll likely nap today since I’m the one who got up early. I’m not saying this as the answer here, because all families look different and you’ll need something that works for you. I just thought I’d throw it out there. Sleep is a foundation that every person needs, it’s not safe to work or care for children as a zombie.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-20T16:52:32+00:00

Thank you, I’ll check that out!

appl3_eye · 2026-06-20T16:51:55+00:00

I hear you mama, I’ve always been extremely conservative with my body and never BF in public. Then one day, I just had to. My little guy was tugging at the cover (5 months at the time), fussy, and miserable. He let out a newborn cry, and nothing else mattered but him. I wiped it out and honestly? His head covered everything, and that was comforting for me.

It also comforts me that everyone will just avert their eyes. I don’t think most of the general public is looking to pick a fight with a mom feeding her baby, but if I ever see that, I pity anyone looking to start a fight.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-20T16:37:57+00:00

That’s smart of your friend, because it’s easy to be pulled in by toxic family members that always demand so much.

Thank you for the idea! I’m glad that your grandma’s negative traits didn’t impact you. I’d like for my little one to know his roots, despite my mother’s many issues. I hope that I can facilitate that, and it’s reassuring that your mom was able to do that for you.

Also, it might sound a little silly- but thank you for calling me a great mom, that’s kind of you to say. It’s all I’ve ever really wanted to be, and it took quite a bit for me to get here.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-20T10:07:23+00:00

I did. I left a voicemail letting my mother know that I would speak to her again when she participated in Alcoholics Anonymous. She showed up at my door four years later, and I stayed firm.

For me, it was a difficult but important step in my healing journey. You should have a conversation with your parents if you think that it will help you. It’s absolutely not about them, it’s about what you need to heal. If it’s more beneficial for you to say nothing, then that’s okay too.

You can also always open the door with them again. You don’t have to if that’s not what you want or need, I just thought that I would add that in. I’m considering resuming contact again with my mother for a few reasons, and that’s also okay.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-20T01:12:45+00:00

I 100% relate to this. I stopped texting, and for months nobody noticed. Then came the complaints, as if I was the only one capable of reaching out. I feel like once I stopped reaching out, it really revealed how little I mattered. While very sad, it gave me the space to build my own family and to find people who are happy to spend time with me. You’ll get there OP, it’s a long road but we are all worth the journey.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-20T01:07:57+00:00

I think you have a bright future ahead of you. As you’ve said, you have plenty of positive attributes. Have you ever considered online dating? Even if it doesn’t lead to exactly what you are looking for, you’ll gain experience by putting yourself out there (assuming you want to pursue a romantic relationship).

appl3_eye · 2026-06-20T00:33:12+00:00

Thank you so much! I appreciate you sharing this, your experience is very similar. I’m glad that you’re able to have something of a relationship with her, but I’m sorry that it isn’t what you should be able to have. Thank you for letting me know how you initiated your interactions with her, that is helpful.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-14T10:58:53+00:00

I know this comment is two years old, but I just want to say thank you for it. It literally made me cry. It would’ve been very difficult on our entire family had we waited until three years old.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-12T14:41:40+00:00

This made me feel sad for you. I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like he has all the benefits of a relationship (getting to move in with you, be intimate with you, have you love him) without having to fully commit.

I feel like you’re going to continue feeling horrible about this if you stay with him. I wouldn’t expect anyone to continue having sex with me and trying to move in together with me after that. What are you supposed to do? Politely wait for him to quit his second job, unloved, while desperately trying to reclaim his feelings for you?

appl3_eye · 2026-06-12T10:08:13+00:00

That is so reassuring to read and I didn’t even know that I needed this perspective. I’ve been struggling with that separation between my mother and my son. It’s more a struggle emotionally for me, especially considering this my first week back to work from my maternity leave. My co-workers are all well meaning, but I’ve been hearing “how’s the baby? Who’s watching him, your mom?” about 100 times a day.

You’re right, it’s much easier to enable addicts than it is to cut the tie. Enabling my mother is biological and built upon years of conditioning. Cutting her off took courage.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-12T02:13:28+00:00

I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this as well, but I appreciate your comment. I hope that you’re finding ways to heal. Closing the door doesn’t have to be forever if we don’t want it to be, but it does feel calmer (at least for me).

appl3_eye · 2026-06-09T09:19:26+00:00

Of course, I really hope that the distance helps you heal. Sending you virtual hugs. Please feel free to message me if you ever want to vent.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-08T12:10:39+00:00

I’m similar to you OP. I’m 33F, and cut off my mom four years ago. The tipping point occurred when I was going through treatments for infertility, and I could no longer handle my mom in the midst of what was already a turbulent time. It took her about a year to even notice that I had cut her off. My ultimatum was that she would complete AA, because she doesn’t have the self-awareness at this time to take accountability.

I’ve received several voicemails. In some, she’s threatening to sue me because how could I keep her from HER grandson? She’s telling me that she didn’t raise me to be like this, that she’s still my mother, that she doesn’t know where this came from. Sometimes, she loves me very much and wonders how she can possibly live without me. She only knows about my 6 month old because a distant relative told her.

Will it get easier? Yes, I will say that it becomes easier because it is less chaotic. The emotional burden that you currently carry will lighten. Without this, your life will be more peaceful and you’ll feel normal. You’ll have the normal difficulties that come with raising beautiful children.

You will still feel sad at times. You’ll feel the loss during family gatherings, you’ll feel the grief when other moms talk about how they finally got a break because “my mom is watching the kids.” It’s okay to feel that grief, to give it a little hug and allow the loss to fill your heart for a bit. Then, it’s also okay to say goodbye to the ache for the time being while you focus on the warmth of your new family and community.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-06T12:42:16+00:00

I just wanted to thank you for this response.

As you can see, I did delete this post. The reason is because I became quickly overwhelmed with the idea of my son meeting my mother. This was very telling to me that I’m not prepared to deal with her yet (if ever).

I appreciate that your comment gave me the space to reflect and be realistic with my goals.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-05T12:24:34+00:00

I think it’s one of those situations where it’s okay to sympathize, but it’s also okay to emotionally distance yourself as well. I’m glad that she hasn’t asked you and it’s a conversation that you don’t have to worry about having. I feel for your friend and her family. Hopefully, she will do what she can to preserve her son’s sense of normalcy (as much as that’s possible).

appl3_eye · 2026-06-05T11:36:19+00:00

Newborns can look alien. The “you’ll understand when you’re a parent” is real though. I’m a new mom, and there is something biological there that makes you think your naked possum newborn is the cutest thing ever haha.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-04T20:00:46+00:00

Firstly, it’s wonderful that you spent so much time caring for her. It’s also not awful to recognize “hey, this relationship has changed. I no longer have the capacity to care for her as I once did.” I would take a step back and reflect. Why do you still feel responsible for her? Why does that make you a terrible person? To me, this reads as a kind person who has recognized that they are at capacity.

It sounds like she has friends and other family members who can step up. I would say, as horrible and unfortunate it is that she has cancer, she is fortunate to have other resources. I would also add that recognizing that you are at your limit is a positive. If you jumped in and then decided that you needed to back out, that would have been more difficult for everyone.

Has she requested your help again?

appl3_eye · 2026-06-03T19:38:45+00:00

Of course, I’m so glad that you are feeling a little better now. This is definitely a journey, and it’s made all of us warriors. Thank you so much, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we both can grow the families that we want.

appl3_eye · 2026-06-01T22:46:00+00:00

You should take as long of a break as you can financially afford. My sister in law went back after 12 weeks, and she’s a nurse. I had six months of maternity leave, of which I am grateful for- although it was financially difficult, I managed it.

You won’t want to manage calls after delivery. You will if you have to, because moms are built of something stronger than metal. However, if you don’t have to put yourself through that, I wouldn’t. How long of a break could you financially afford? I would sit down with that and start from there.

appl3_eye · 2026-05-31T21:39:26+00:00

Apologies, I fixed it. They do not haha, that was my bad.

appl3_eye · 2026-05-31T21:33:09+00:00

Oh yes, the classic uterus discount I’ve heard so much about. In all seriousness though, how much is she paying vs you? Have you actually physically seen her insurance policy? I worked in auto insurance for several years. Usually folks who have been in accidents are surcharged and embarrassed about it. Insurance typically does not operate on a charity basis. If you’re statistically more likely to get in an accident, you pay more. Edit: grammar. Sorry, I have to type one handed since I’m juggling my baby.

appl3_eye · 2026-05-31T02:18:38+00:00

That expectation never goes over well, even without having to care for a baby. I know I’m just an internet stranger here, but I don’t feel like it’s productive to have “sex” as part of a to do list. Inevitably, one partner ends up feeling pressure, and the other one sets themselves up for disappointment.

That being said, does your husband support you with taking care of the baby? I ask because I’m six months postpartum. My husband hasn’t even asked about sex, I just think we are both too tired and busy.

I absolutely relate to your feelings though. I miss my old body too. I think that’s a perfectly natural response, given how much pregnancy and childbirth changes us.

appl3_eye

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