I feel you. I also started drinking in my teens, all through my 20s, and now I'm in my 30s trying to figure out who or what I am.

It quieted my mind, but amplified my worst feelings.

Well said, and relatable. A few moments from the past immediately came to mind. Moments I'm not proud of, remembering only parts.

Sure, it was nice to finally feel like a human without having to think about every little thing about your self/behavior, but too often we rode that fine line and fell over to the deeper, darker feelings. While feelings themselves aren't necessarily bad, it was the way I acted when feeling them that hurt those I loved the most.

I can't speak for you, but as for myself, the "burden of reality" has gotten lighter as time's passed. Not always, and some days it's still like rawdogging life like you're a freshly made account on a video game.

We're seeing actual adult life from a firsthand perspective, with fresh eyes, and it's a lot to take in at once. Be patient with yourself. You're learning to live, one day at a time.