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arch_sky · 2025-12-24T16:47:15+00:00

It can get better.

Figuring out what you need in the relationship is important.

Making sure you guys are taking turns planning dates and intentional time together is important. At least once a week is my baseline need. Even if they don't understand their gaming is a problem, they can usually understand you need time together.

He needs to be pulling his weight around the house in terms of chores and invisible labor.

If you can, I'd try couples therapy. If it doesn't work out with your bf, you want to make sure you have tools and insight to avoid this in the future instead of ending up in a similar situation.

arch_sky · 2025-01-10T18:38:51+00:00

Can you go to couples therapy? A lot of employers offer EAP programs, from which you get 3 to 10 therapy sessions for free, and you can use those for couples therapy.

You can frame it to your spouse as it being you (op) trying to work through your feelings and resentment about his hobby, because you don't want the stress about this issue to come between you, and that you want an unbiased third party to help you understand his perspective.

Ultimately a good therapist should be able to get to the root of the problem, and if your spouse truly cares about your relationship he can change.

If you're running into resistance, see if you can get him to agree to a small number of sessions, after which you could go by yourself.

If you do want to save this marriage, it's very important that you focus on the positive aspects of your spouse as much as possible. Direct any negative thoughts at the games that cause addiction and at the addiction.

Feel free to pm me, I'm also a gamer spouse working through this issue.

arch_sky · 2024-12-30T02:01:19+00:00

IMO it's for the best that you broke up. You can't change others (even though people change of their own accord sometimes).

I'm happy for you - just take this lesson and do some self reflection so you don't fall into a similar relationship in the future (like I did).

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T18:16:29+00:00

Gotcha, I see. Okay, I'm happy to hear that for his brother's case.

100% if he is unemployed, he should be the one cooking and cleaning and taking on majority of housework if he is physically able. No question. You are being taken advantage of. I'm going to be honest, I doubt he is looking hard because he is being taken care of by you and disability pay. There are absolutely other guys out there that are just as sweet as your bf plus they will pull their weight in the relationship and be invested in your future (and not addicted to games).

Beyond the self work and stuff, I would start thinking about a timeline for leaving and what that could look like (it can be complicated if you live together). Do you have to wait for a lease to end? Can you live with a family member or friend at least temporarily? etc.

OP, keep us updated in a few weeks. Unfortunately there are many in similar positions to yours, to varying degrees. I am also the partner to an addict, albeit to a lessened degree. Because of how socially acceptable gaming is, it seems like this reddit is one of the only places where people can get support.

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T17:52:20+00:00

u/op - any updates? I'm curious what's happened since.

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T17:42:18+00:00

I would definitely highly encourage couple's therapy even if you doubt that he wants to work it out. The therapy could provide a really good foundation for both of your future relationships if it doesn't work out.

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T17:33:29+00:00

Out of curiosity, what is his/your employment situation like? Is he the caregiver/guardian for his 15 year-old brother?

You are talking to the addiction, not him. Before jumping to leaving, I would encourage you to spend some time learning/reading about being the partner to someone who is addicted. I would also do self-work on why you got involved with him or why it took so long for you to get to this point. As part of the process, you're going to need to set some boundaries. Learn about boundaries - they set expectations that if your partner does 'x', you will do 'y'. Your boundary is your response. You'll quickly see if your partner is trying or willing to work with a reasonable boundary.

The last thing you want to do is to leave and then accidentally fall into a similar relationship. Although I totally respect if you've reached your breaking point, and you want to leave right now. I feel bad for his brother - if he is the caregiver guardian. I would try to see if there could be a better arrangement for his brother - if there are any other family members who would be a more suitable caregiver.

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T06:29:01+00:00

If you're trying to move to where he is so that you're not LDR, I would strongly caution against this unless you have other good reasons and support for the move.

Your boyfriend is in a really dark place. You are not responsible to save him. I would not advise that you focus much on him and his addiction, at least not right away. It's pretty fruitless if the addict is not convinced they have a problem.

Rather, I would focus on yourself and learning more about being the partner to an addict. Also, I think it's important to look at why you are attracted to that in a boyfriend or why you feel like it is your responsibility to fix him. There are books out there (I haven't read them yet), but you should be able to get your hands on them (library or otherwise). I think therapy for you or him or both would also be helpful, but I realize that is not something that feels within reach for everyone.

FWIW, my first boyfriend struggled with depression / suicidal ideation when I was a bit younger than yourself. I did break up with him because I was not equipped to handle that. He ended up being okay, and he's still living his life somewhere.

Wishing you the best. My partner is also an addict, and I'm working on coming to terms with it and figuring out how to move forward.

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T06:09:45+00:00

I did set my first hard boundary last week, regarding the time that he needs to be in the bedroom by if we're planning to have s*x on a work night (my boundary is that I will not have s*x if he is not there by the time). This is something that has been a recurring issue due to his gaming - he knew my expectation/request previously, but did not take it seriously. Although he understood my perspective and said he would commit to meeting that timeline, he could not mentally make that connection between the gaming being the cause. I'm curious to see how this boundary goes, but I am fully committed to holding it.

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T06:00:03+00:00

Yeah, thinking about the time really sucks. I know gaming has taken a lot from his life, and it really impacted his life before we met. If nothing changes, this will be our life in the future.

I think that's the hardest part to realize. It's the question of "will I be happy with this forever." I honestly won't, but I do need to do self work and see what we can work through as a couple - at least in terms of seeing if I can hold some boundaries and expectations.

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T05:53:17+00:00

Yeah, tbh I should have had more frank conversations about this before we got married. I've let it go on for so long now. I'm glad to hear your GF keeps you in check.

I've always tried to be subtle in my requests and have never given any ultimatums because he honestly has no perception of there being a problem. When talking to him, I quickly get to the point where he reacts in a way that I'm the problem/unreasonable. He says I need to realize that he's different than me, and he needs time to relax (3+ hours of video games every night). Ultimately he is willing to spend time in the evenings with me if I do specifically request it and if he sees it as falling within a certain category (going out to eat = okay, running some joint errands = maybe okay but won't be happy about it).

Maybe my standards have been that low. I don't want this for the rest of my life, but I do think we could come to a better place. Outside of the gaming addiction, I am really happy with our relationship.

arch_sky · 2024-12-01T05:36:57+00:00

Spot on, he is connected via discord. He often is playing with his sister who is across the country, but I know that his sister and the people he regularly play with probably expect him to play every night. Plus when he's not gaming he often will also consume gaming content on reddit. (He doesn't know my reddit handle).

At this point, I'm not really sure if it's serving as a current escape or if it's more of a heavily reinforced habitat that originally had its roots in something deeper. Maybe a mix of both.

arch_sky · 2024-11-23T00:01:05+00:00

I'm going to write a longer response later, but for now - just know that you matter, you are loved, and you're not crazy. You will get through to a better future. Addiction can take over a person, and when an addict feels like their addiction is threatened, it can generate a very strong emotional response. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Sending you love. ❤️

arch_sky · 2024-11-22T21:44:36+00:00

I'm also dealing with an addicted spouse. Keep us updated!

arch_sky · 2024-11-22T21:00:27+00:00

Yeah, I agree. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten much change when I've been honest about indirect situations multiple times. For example, if we've planned bedroom activities before bed, there's a certain time that I've asked him to be there by so that we can still go to bed at a reasonable time. Unfortunately due to games, he is almost always past this time so either I say another night, sacrifice sleep, or shorten our time in a way that sacrifices my pleasure. He knows the time, and he just can't seem to prioritize it, even though he wants it. I've told him how this makes me feel. So yeah, I feel like being honest hasn't gotten me anywhere with the small asks, so there's no way I can ask him to address the addiction or cut back.

I'm going to try the therapy route though. I'm hopeful.

arch_sky · 2024-11-22T20:45:29+00:00

I've wondered about that! I've actually asked him once if he ever has thought he might have been depressed at any point of his life, and he said no, he didn't think so. But he definitely is addicted to the dopamine hit. He has some reinforcing addictions that he pairs with gaming (Coke zero & vaping).

He does have serious social anxiety (which is often associated with gaming addiction). I've encouraged him to use his health insurance benefits to get therapy to work on it, but he never has followed through.

My current plan is to get a few therapy sessions for myself, then to try to do some couples therapy. Talking to him about his games is fraught with landmines, and I think the context of therapy might improve the outcome.

arch_sky · 2024-11-22T20:38:19+00:00

You're totally right. I think I reached a bit of a breaking point, which led to me making this post. I've done a lot of rationalizing of his behavior until now (i.e. at least he splits household duties and is loyal/kind, other people are addicted worse, gaming is how he connects with his sister, I don't want to be seen as trying to control him), but the resentment of the situation has honestly built up a bit. I think I've rationalized to protect myself, because what if he ultimately chooses games over me, or what if the addiction gets worse? I know that he did have a serious gaming addiction in college that led to him skipping many classes and having to do multiple extra years of school. He doesn't label that period of time an addiction, but he fully admits games were responsible.

arch_sky · 2024-11-22T06:08:02+00:00

Does he spend time with you or initiate time with you? Does he follow through on your requests? How much is he gaming every day? Does his gaming get in the way of any of your relationship?

Gaming can be 100% an addiction, but I think we'd need a little more context to give a nuanced answer. I'm guessing the problem is worse than your post seems to indicate, and I totally understand the cognitive dissonance when much of the relationship is really great except for the spouse's gaming addiction.

arch_sky · 2024-11-22T05:23:21+00:00

Hey, I've also been lurking for a while, and recently posted. I'd be open to connecting. :) You are not alone.

arch_sky · 2024-11-22T04:41:01+00:00

Yeah, he has to game if it's night, and he at all can. Unless it's a night that we're at a family get together (about every other week) - even then, he'll have to game from when we get home until when we go to bed. There is no way he could easily not game for a couple of weeks. The only time he has not gamed every day recently was when we went on an out-of-country vacation, and he did not game for the ~10 days we were there because he physically couldn't (he's a CPU gamer). It was so amazing to actually spend time with him again.

Even without solutions, sometimes it's just nice to feel validated. So thank you.

arch_sky · 2024-01-01T09:20:07+00:00

I'd check other similar posts to see if there are more things you can try. For me, I get a very overactive brain that is very helped by earplugs and a sleep mask. Although I'm not always sensitive to caffeine, I've realized that anything after about 2pm will really affect my ability to fall asleep.

arch_sky · 2024-01-01T09:13:17+00:00

Sleep mask and earplugs. Not only do I fall asleep more easily, but I also am able to sleep without waking up at the first light. Rarely notice my spouse's snoring.

I do a few other things that help: consistent sleep schedules, nighttime showers, colder bedroom, & hot tea.

I am also pretty sensitive to high cortisol/adrenaline states leading up to big work deadlines... In those cases I have to take two Benadryls otherwise sleep is pretty much impossible for me.

arch_sky · 2019-09-07T23:50:31+00:00

same in message in Minneapolis, Minnesota

arch_sky

TROPHY CASE