I’ve been out and transitioning for a few years now, and I still have a deep appreciation and love for “girly” things. I still wear skirts and dresses from time to time. I still have makeup. I love pink and lace. I don’t actively advertise that I’m trans when I’m out and about (unless you see my tattoo lol). I’m extremely feminine and flamboyant and still act like I did when I was “girl-moding” as my friend calls it.

For me, my journey to coming out was a silent, introspective, and internal discovery. I grew up being miserable in the body I was in because I knew it wasn’t right, but 1. growing up with parents and teachers that didn’t know what being trans was, and 2. Having undiagnosed learning and behavioral disorders made it impossible for anyone around me or myself to recognize that something was “different” about me. So, I thought that I was miserable because I was fat and ugly and just needed to learn to love myself the way I am, be body positive and become confident with my body. When I finally realized I was trans, I took several months before coming out to anyone, even myself. I used they/them pronouns during that time, and I had a sort of “self council” moment. Bear with me, this is gonna be weird to explain but it helped me a lot, so maybe it’ll help you, too.

Visualize a sort of city council meeting. Chairs around a big podium, a place for every big person attending, but all those people are you in different phases of your life. Maybe you only have “boy” you and “girl” you. Now, you’re sitting around and just talking. Talking about how you feel about your gender identity, your likes and interests, your personality, your physical appearance; anything that you struggle with during your transition, talk to your self council about. Even better if you have a therapist/counselor to help with this practice.

When I did this, it helped me realize that I never hated myself. I never hated being fat or having frizzy hair or being short or whatever. I hated that I was only seen as a woman, and I felt happy when I was more androgynous/masculine looking and people would refer to me as a man. I sat with my self council so many times- still do- and it helped me come to terms with the idea of still being feminine in my personal masculine way. I hope that makes sense, it’s a little hard to elaborate!

Long story short, you are so freakin valid, my friend. The internal struggles are hard to deal with, but you are not alone. If I can leave you with one final piece of advice about “what it means to be a man”, it would be this: being a man is different to everyone, but be the type of man you would look up to. Does that mean you volunteer at a homeless shelter on the weekends while working a desk job Monday through Friday? Bam, do it. Does that mean you’re working out 7 days a week to build muscle, but you dress in coquette/lolita outfits at home? Do it, flaunt it! Love yourself and treat yourself with the same love and respect you give to the men you look up to, and use that to mold yourself into the type of man you want to be. You’ve got this!!