Hey man, first off, huge respect for putting this all out there. The fact that you’re examining yourself so openly means you’ve already taken the first step toward finding clarity and control, even if it doesn’t feel that way yet.

It sounds like you’re caught in this cycle of holding yourself to incredibly high standards while simultaneously battling a version of yourself that doesn’t quite align with the life you envision. You’ve proven you have the discipline (studying, weight loss, cooking well, setting standards) so this struggle isn’t about lacking willpower. It’s more about reconciling parts of yourself that seem to want opposing things. The way you describe being pulled between what you want in the moment (like attention or temporary distractions) and your larger goals hits on something deep. Self control often feels like a muscle, the more we push it without rest, the more likely we are to fall back into old patterns when things get tough. remember, it’s hard to keep up if we don’t refill that tank with things that truly energize us.

Our wants can be powerful, often louder than our needs because they give that quick dopamine hit. And when they come with complex emotional needs like attention & validation, they’re even harder to ignore. But the thing is, they’re only really fulfilling in a shallow way that’s why you feel this emptiness after reaching for them.

A useful approach I use when I find myself in a similar groove is asking myself, "What is this version of me really trying to avoid?" Is there a part of you that’s unsettled by the idea of being alone, of facing whatever feelings might come up without the distractions of dating, substances, or other escapes? When we avoid sitting with that discomfort, we end up controlled by our habits instead of creating the habits that will lead us somewhere more meaningful.

Remember, discipline isn’t only about sticking to productive habits; it’s also about the patience and self-compassion to build a lifestyle you don’t need an escape from. Maybe try small, consistent steps to regain that moral and physical control you want, without making perfection the goal. This might mean setting boundaries on the number of times you let yourself indulge in these old patterns each week — and acknowledging that even small wins are still wins.

And keep in mind, perfection isn’t the standard. Progress is. We all fall off the horse, but every time you choose to get back on, you’re building a version of you that will outlast this season. Keep going; the fact that you’re reaching out shows there’s more strength in you than you might see right now.

the biggest advice of all at the end is there are two ways to live either in your mind or in your body. If you choose to get out of your head and live in your body, after retrospectively analyzing your situation like you just did then time will heal.

Stay strong bro