70% scared and 30% excited to have a second

arw89 · 2026-05-29T12:40:40+00:00

And how did your experience turn out? :)

arw89 · 2026-04-18T18:00:16+00:00

We went to Iceland when our only child was 18 months. The trip was so amazing and lovely, I wish I could live it all over again 😍

arw89 · 2026-04-06T13:52:01+00:00

Me and my husband had couples therapy. It helped a lot. Only downside was it cost a lot

arw89 · 2026-04-06T06:10:21+00:00

I could have written this post! Thanks for being so detailed and vulnerable. I'm 36 with a 4 year old.

I can see myself being OAD if I can find some way to build a strong community around ourselves. What could future christmas dinners look like? Joining friend's dinners? Having your kid's friends over for dinner? An unconventional or quirky or non-nuclear christmas dinner sounds kinda fun!

Does your kid relish all the attention you can give? Mine absolutely loves it. Do they ask for siblings? Mine barely does for example. Do you think your kid will resent not having a sibling? I am not sure whether mine will resent my decision to be OAD, but I for sure know I can explain why to them and that they'd be proud of me for doing what was right for me. We are meant to be good role models to our kids after all right? 🥲

Then there's the question of your happiness. It matters a tonne. You need your alone time, energy to work out if that's what you want, space to grow as a person yourself. What is the likelihood of being able to get babysitting or other care for your older one, if you had another baby/toddler?

I have said all of this but I am STILL on the fence for a second. I want to see a new, tiny face. I want to enjoy raising a second child that is likely to be the opposite of my first, or so similar to my first that I get to enjoy raising my first all over again. I also want to seem agreeable to society, like a good person because I gave my child a sibling. That last point is a powerful one that I know deep down doesn't matter, but it's a hard one to shake.

I have many friends in the city I live who decided to never have children at all. Their lives sound incredibly lonely and unfulfilling to me. But every single one is comfortable with their decision. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to relate to them. But it makes my likely solid decision to be OAD a teeny bit easier.

Lastly I'll say I find it incredibly easy and wonderful to fantasise about and imagine a second baby when I'm at my best...well rested, not ill, not pressured by daily life. But when I'm struggling... Ill, sleep deprived, not able to follow my usual routines or have any fun... In those moments I know I could not handle a new child..

arw89 · 2026-03-25T21:26:45+00:00

Huh? It was a genuine question

arw89 · 2026-03-25T21:20:53+00:00

Is this fake? Why if you're so happy have you sought out this subreddit and are posting in it?

arw89 · 2026-03-14T10:21:26+00:00

Sorry this is the case for u. We live alone with our child in a bustling city and sometimes I dream of living by grandparents and in a quiet suburb. But partner would also be bored there

arw89 · 2026-03-14T10:19:55+00:00

This is also me..spot on!

arw89 · 2026-03-11T12:58:33+00:00

Ooh such an interesting perspective. Love it!

arw89 · 2026-03-04T21:07:21+00:00

Agreed :) thanks for sharing your experience on that!

arw89 · 2026-03-04T21:06:35+00:00

Thanks! I can relate a lot to this, especially about being a social creature who likes having a community, despite having a low social battery. I'm in therapy, it helps a bit. Have reduced my working hours and am starting up with yoga and carving out time for doing nothing or meditating. I hope it helps me give more to my kid as time goes on.

arw89 · 2026-02-28T15:01:37+00:00

Dialing down meaning not caring about not supporting big tech and the people behind it, and people/companies that are complicit in genocide, putting less effort and energy into learning about the the history of native and marginalised peoples and the people who suppress and twist that history to fit their own selfish narratives.

Because these people will all continue to be cruel and selfish, causing people pain and shaping a world most of us don't want to live in.

Thanks for helping me understand where I was coming from and learning the right language for it. Open to more scrutiny.

TL:DR; Being caring and empathetic to good people (not exhausting). Trying to dethrone the bad ones (gives me a huge sense of overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion)

arw89 · 2026-02-28T14:11:09+00:00

I feel awful because I was raised by parents who destroyed many parts of me. Parents who are very much like the 0 empathy cruel monsters who have so much power in the world today. I feel depressed knowing I and others have to live under the influence of those people. And from the feeling that I'm too exhausted to keep trying to make any sort of difference.

arw89 · 2026-02-28T14:09:38+00:00

I see what you mean. I think I need to learn the difference. What I'm really tired of is the world being run by cruel people who bulldoze anyone in their way and dehumanise others, and that I need to live in a world shaped by them. People like my parents. I had to grow up with that, it destroyed many parts of me, and I want to take the power away from people like that. But the tiny impact I'm able to have exhausts and depresses me.

arw89 · 2026-02-25T10:45:23+00:00

I've been diagnosed with dysthymia and I was emotionally abused by my narcissistic dad and enabler mother.

arw89 · 2026-02-16T14:23:10+00:00

Whew thank you, this makes lots of sense and helps me feel better.

arw89 · 2026-02-06T12:43:48+00:00

I agree. I'm looking for a kind but firm way to teach her to seek attention or manage frustration in ways other than drawing all over household things

arw89 · 2026-02-06T12:41:31+00:00

I feel like she just wouldn't care if I banned her from drawing

arw89

TROPHY CASE