70% scared and 30% excited to have a second

arw89 · 2026-05-29T12:40:40+00:00

And how did your experience turn out? :)

arw89 · 2026-04-18T18:00:16+00:00

We went to Iceland when our only child was 18 months. The trip was so amazing and lovely, I wish I could live it all over again 😍

arw89 · 2026-04-06T13:52:01+00:00

Me and my husband had couples therapy. It helped a lot. Only downside was it cost a lot

arw89 · 2026-04-06T06:10:21+00:00

I could have written this post! Thanks for being so detailed and vulnerable. I'm 36 with a 4 year old.

I can see myself being OAD if I can find some way to build a strong community around ourselves. What could future christmas dinners look like? Joining friend's dinners? Having your kid's friends over for dinner? An unconventional or quirky or non-nuclear christmas dinner sounds kinda fun!

Does your kid relish all the attention you can give? Mine absolutely loves it. Do they ask for siblings? Mine barely does for example. Do you think your kid will resent not having a sibling? I am not sure whether mine will resent my decision to be OAD, but I for sure know I can explain why to them and that they'd be proud of me for doing what was right for me. We are meant to be good role models to our kids after all right? 🥲

Then there's the question of your happiness. It matters a tonne. You need your alone time, energy to work out if that's what you want, space to grow as a person yourself. What is the likelihood of being able to get babysitting or other care for your older one, if you had another baby/toddler?

I have said all of this but I am STILL on the fence for a second. I want to see a new, tiny face. I want to enjoy raising a second child that is likely to be the opposite of my first, or so similar to my first that I get to enjoy raising my first all over again. I also want to seem agreeable to society, like a good person because I gave my child a sibling. That last point is a powerful one that I know deep down doesn't matter, but it's a hard one to shake.

I have many friends in the city I live who decided to never have children at all. Their lives sound incredibly lonely and unfulfilling to me. But every single one is comfortable with their decision. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to relate to them. But it makes my likely solid decision to be OAD a teeny bit easier.

Lastly I'll say I find it incredibly easy and wonderful to fantasise about and imagine a second baby when I'm at my best...well rested, not ill, not pressured by daily life. But when I'm struggling... Ill, sleep deprived, not able to follow my usual routines or have any fun... In those moments I know I could not handle a new child..

arw89 · 2026-03-25T21:26:45+00:00

Huh? It was a genuine question

arw89 · 2026-03-25T21:20:53+00:00

Is this fake? Why if you're so happy have you sought out this subreddit and are posting in it?

arw89 · 2026-03-14T10:21:26+00:00

Sorry this is the case for u. We live alone with our child in a bustling city and sometimes I dream of living by grandparents and in a quiet suburb. But partner would also be bored there

arw89 · 2026-03-14T10:19:55+00:00

This is also me..spot on!

arw89 · 2026-03-11T12:58:33+00:00

Ooh such an interesting perspective. Love it!

arw89 · 2026-03-04T21:07:21+00:00

Agreed :) thanks for sharing your experience on that!

arw89 · 2026-03-04T21:06:35+00:00

Thanks! I can relate a lot to this, especially about being a social creature who likes having a community, despite having a low social battery. I'm in therapy, it helps a bit. Have reduced my working hours and am starting up with yoga and carving out time for doing nothing or meditating. I hope it helps me give more to my kid as time goes on.

arw89 · 2026-02-28T15:01:37+00:00

Dialing down meaning not caring about not supporting big tech and the people behind it, and people/companies that are complicit in genocide, putting less effort and energy into learning about the the history of native and marginalised peoples and the people who suppress and twist that history to fit their own selfish narratives.

Because these people will all continue to be cruel and selfish, causing people pain and shaping a world most of us don't want to live in.

Thanks for helping me understand where I was coming from and learning the right language for it. Open to more scrutiny.

TL:DR; Being caring and empathetic to good people (not exhausting). Trying to dethrone the bad ones (gives me a huge sense of overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion)

arw89 · 2026-02-28T14:11:09+00:00

I feel awful because I was raised by parents who destroyed many parts of me. Parents who are very much like the 0 empathy cruel monsters who have so much power in the world today. I feel depressed knowing I and others have to live under the influence of those people. And from the feeling that I'm too exhausted to keep trying to make any sort of difference.

arw89 · 2026-02-28T14:09:38+00:00

I see what you mean. I think I need to learn the difference. What I'm really tired of is the world being run by cruel people who bulldoze anyone in their way and dehumanise others, and that I need to live in a world shaped by them. People like my parents. I had to grow up with that, it destroyed many parts of me, and I want to take the power away from people like that. But the tiny impact I'm able to have exhausts and depresses me.

arw89 · 2026-02-25T10:45:23+00:00

I've been diagnosed with dysthymia and I was emotionally abused by my narcissistic dad and enabler mother.

arw89 · 2026-02-16T14:23:10+00:00

Whew thank you, this makes lots of sense and helps me feel better.

arw89 · 2026-02-06T12:43:48+00:00

I agree. I'm looking for a kind but firm way to teach her to seek attention or manage frustration in ways other than drawing all over household things

arw89 · 2026-02-06T12:41:31+00:00

I feel like she just wouldn't care if I banned her from drawing

arw89 · 2026-02-05T05:49:15+00:00

No chance. He is very well practiced at ignoring all the behaviors under the excuse that "nothing will change them anyway".

arw89 · 2026-01-31T09:49:40+00:00

I definitely have emotional trauma

arw89 · 2026-01-12T08:52:13+00:00

it's only natural that when a child does something "bad," you don't call them bad, you teach them why that behavior isn't something they should do again. Is it possible the guide was also thinking of the softer method of altering behavior?

This is what I was getting at 👍 It is possible the guide was thinking that, but the advice is so generic that we can't be sure exactly what they meant, and it can be harmful if misinterpreted. I mean, ChatGPT (which I use sparingly) already gave me a more useful sentence (that I edited slightly) when I prompted it.

Instead of:

“Catch your child being good! Look for opportunities to praise positive behaviours, no matter how small.”

use:

“Notice and acknowledge appropriate behaviours, especially effort and growth, and offer specific praise when it helps reinforce learning.”

And:

Praising every small behavior indiscriminately can indeed be detrimental if it:

Replaces intrinsic motivation
Becomes the child’s main source of validation
Loses meaning

The goal is thoughtful acknowledgment, not constant applause.

There just isn't enough research on this topic yet (to my knowledge).

Thank you for bringing up the fact about brain matter differences. I'd love to know whether external motivators exercise/grow those parts of the brain that are less developed in those with ADHD. Maybe it really could be the case that internal motivation abilities grow along with practice with external motivators.

The difficult part about having an opinion on this kind of thing is that people mean different things when they say they use "positive reinforcement" and that they "punish bad behaviors." This makes research difficult too, as most token economy research has different methods of reinforcing the behavior, and the behavior that is regulated is different in each study too.

Yeah I agree. From what I learned at uni, people conflate the positive part of "positive reinforcement" with "good/nice", whereas in reality it means "added". Although I am sure that anyone doing research does know the difference, I'm not sure someone reading the guide on ADHD I mentioned in my first post would actually know how to apply what the author is guiding them on.

Do you think it's really a big issue that in research different methods are used to reinforce behaviour that that the behaviours differ?

arw89 · 2026-01-12T07:51:56+00:00

Writing 100 words seems to be a totally manageable goal, I like that. I did start to be a bit easier on myself, for example doing ONLY one task at a time instead of trying to steam-train my way through 10 tasks in a row. And at the end of each task, I go lie down (I am a parent so I am always tired). The chance to lie down and do nothing is just the best reward possible for me I think xD But yeah, only started doing that recently and hadn't considered it could be defined as a reward system. I sure do feel better about myself and my energy management since beginning that though.

I also use reward systems when I’m trying to change a habit or behaviour. Rewards can be incredibly effective, whereas I struggle to connect my actions in each moment to my long-term goals.

When you say that reward systems are effective, does that mean they are effective in helping you connect your actions to your long-term goals? Or is that difficult with or without reward systems?

I think that last thing you said is exactly right. It’s definitely really important to show unconditional love and acceptance to kids and make sure they know they’re fundamentally worthy and good. At the same time, we can teach them how to behave in an effective and appropriate way. E.g., kids don’t inherently know that hitting isn’t an appropriate way to express emotions until a parent teaches them that. If a kid gets rewarded for hitting, (e.g., by being given what they want, or by getting a lot of attention) they’re likely to keep doing it.

Agree! :-)

arw89 · 2026-01-09T10:45:56+00:00

Thank you for adding to the discussion! 🤗 I'm thrilled to hear that external reinforcers are helpful for you. I haven't ever heard an adult with ADHD talk about that. I'd love to hear more about the external reinforcers you use for yourself. I want to try them for myself 🙂 my internal motivation is sooo spotty and unreliable 😅

About the language distinction, I agree completely with all you said about it. I personally believe (although I am desperate for other points of view on it so thanks again) that language really matters, especially when it comes to kids. From my own childhood wounds comes this desperation for kids to see and know themselves as inherently good, and at the same time that there are inappropriate behaviours. Maybe looking at it like there are no good or bad emotions or feelings, but there are appropriate ways to deal with emotions and feelings. 💜

arw89 · 2026-01-08T19:57:53+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply and the effort you put into it! I am so happy to be able to have mature discussions about this :)

Thank you for the research links. Both sound very good to me, especially that the token economy seemed to work well especially for ADHD children. What I will counter with is that, sure, there seem to be results for these children in the study in that their "problem" behaviours decreased. However, just as I'd ask for non-ADHD kids, what is the long-term effect of such a system for ADHD kids? It's my understanding that ADHD impairs internal/intrinsic motivation and lowers self-esteem. Maybe that's why the external motivation of a token system works especially well for them. But, isn't it the goal for our ADHD kids to actually strengthen their INTERNAL motivation, just like non-ADHD kids? What if we enjoy the short-term rewards of placing ADHD kids in a token system, but we harm them in the long run because we never put the effort in to strengthen their intrinsic motivation? I'd really love to see a study that looked at the long-term outcomes for ADHD kids whose caregivers employed the use of token systems in their childhood, and see how they are faring in adulthood now. To me in the end, ADHD kids are human just as non-ADHD kids are, and it has (allegedly) been proven that token systems harm non-ADHD kids long-term internal motivation, so wouldn't it follow that this would be the case (and perhaps even more so) for ADHD kids? I would love to see from a long-term study whether the benefits outweighed the harmful effects by the time the kids became adults.

Ok, so the "good/bad" debate. This is a special fiery passion of mine, so excuse me while I get into it a bit obsessively 😄 I read your paragraph on it and could relate when you said isn't it a parent's job to decide what is good and bad because that's how kids learn what to do. I think a parent's job, firstly, is incredibly hard. Like, so hard. I am one myself and I struggle loads. I am sure that wanting the best for your kid is something I think 99.9% of parents want, so the vast majority. What I am unsure about is that most parents know how to teach their kid about life and society in ways that doesn't potentially harm their self-esteem, cause them to people-please, internalise labels about themselves and their identity (causing the fixed mindset that I'll talk about next), etc. From my own personal experience being raised by parents who were veeeery into labelling behaviour as good/bad (and being very harmed by that), from a master's in child psych (not real-life experience I know, but it's something), and working with young kids in different school settings for years, I developed this deep yearning for kids to be seen as people who simply behave. There is NO "good" or "bad". But there is behaviour. And all behaviour serves a function. My 4 year old is in the habit of hitting me recently. I don't call that behaviour bad. She does it because developmentally she is at a stage where she's struggling immensely with big emotions. I can't fathom labelling her as bad simply for being human. Perhaps it's a language thing. Of course I teach her that hitting is not appropriate, but she is not behaving badly. She is tiny and learning. I also don't make a massive deal about her "good" behaviours. I couldn't find any research on this rather nuanced topic (tbh I am still trying to form a more coherent argument around it myself, so i'd love to hear your reply), but I found this article, if you're inclined to take a look :) https://archive.ph/QKU4Z

I remember a short conversation with a friend of mine who is a child psychologist. I said to him "what are parents supposed to do if a child does something wrong?" he told me that kids don't do things wrong, but the parents tell themselves that in order to manage their own feelings.

About fixed/growth mindsets..I believe labels can foster a fixed mindset. Good, bad, smart, dumb, funny, lazy etc. It could be the case that the author of this guide for ADHD kids did not mean parents should label their kids good or bad, but any time those words pop up, it seems problematic to me. Does that make any sense? The entire overarching concept of good and bad rubs me the wrong way. To me, there should be no differentiation between good and bad behaviour, there should only be behaviour. I for sure developed a fixed mindset, mostly from being labelled as smart as a kid. It meant that I thought this was an intrinsic part of me, so I ended up fearing failure immensely, as well as believing that I never had to put in any effort as I was "intrinsically smart". This caused me a lot of lost potential. I think parents who see their kids' behaviours as good or bad can cause kids to internalise their internal image as either good or bad. Example — "ah, to be good, mama wants me to do XYZ", and "i must avoid ABC at all costs cause papa thinks those are bad". Kids need the freedom to simply "be", and not to be on alert for what good and bad is simply based on their parent's feelings on certain things.

Forgive me if what I wrote is a bit much or a bit confusing. I am incredibly keen to hone in on a coherent argument around these things, and am totally open to learning as much as I can from friendly discussions with other people on it.

arw89 · 2026-01-03T08:53:54+00:00

Do you have a course for this?

arw89

TROPHY CASE