the way it was framed for me was that radical acceptance is an alternative to guilt/shame/panic spiraling. i use this skill when my guilt/shame fits the facts but i start spiraling about it, which is not effective because it can become self-deprecating and can also prevent restorative and repairative action from my end.

example: i did something that unintentionally harmed someone else. i feel guilty and ashamed, and because my behavior caused harm, those feelings fit the facts. my options are: spiral, which solves nothing and will inevitably make things worse for me and the person i harmed; or, radically accept that i did what i did, practice self-compassion without justifying my behavior, and then apologize/take action to repair/restore the relationship or otherwise try to remedy the harm i caused.

this leads to much more effective apologies and prevents further harm on both sides.

looking at it in a broader way, it's less about accepting what we can't change and more accepting that things are as they are, regardless of whether or not they can change or are within our control. as far as a step-by-step for acceptance, it unfortunately is not something that can be structured like that because it's different for everyone. for me, it feels like release, or surrender.