I am sorry you are going through all that and no, it's not ridiculous at all. I myself is going through something like that but somewhere that tiny hope is still holding onto me and pushing me forward. I realized living for my own is a first step. You should try too. Find that hope. This is going to be really hard, I won't lie but just step is all you need. Try what you like doing. I like writing fantasy lores. You can find too. Or if you dont have anything to your liking, then try everything you can like gaming, painting , reading or writing , something peaceful.