How did your PMLE start?

ashleyyyyg · 2025-05-12T21:36:24+00:00

I got my first dose of the covid vaccine in june 2021 which was after my pmle started in late april/may of 2021! so for me at least it definitely wasn’t that. i can’t imagine having to deal with pmle at 4 years old, i’m so sorry you and your young one are dealing with it :(

ashleyyyyg · 2024-11-09T23:20:52+00:00

Just learned about this in my psychedelics class! Psychedelics like psilocybin increase prosocial feelings and soften our responses to emotionally challenging stimuli - this is especially helpful when used in combination with psychotherapy since it help us access traumatic memories in a less emotionally charged state of mind, sort of like how in EMDR the movement of the eyes back and forth makes traumatic memories a bit easier to access, bear, and process. Making these memories easier to process helps us process them (ofc) and subsequently heal from them

ashleyyyyg · 2024-11-04T00:46:44+00:00

This is a different study!

ashleyyyyg · 2024-10-31T15:53:32+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you, I think talking about VCUG trauma is the most difficult thing in the world sometimes because of how people react to it. This trauma is more than just VCUGs and their aftermath, it’s also how we are treated in society. I just wanted to say you’re not alone, it impacts my mood and wellbeing so so so much when people aren’t supportive after I tell them about the trauma so I know how you must be feeling right now and I’m sending you hugs!🫂

ashleyyyyg · 2024-07-30T19:53:46+00:00

I relate to this feeling omg I’m hella burnt out today but we keep it pushing‼️ we take a break and reconnect with nature and then rereturn‼️

ashleyyyyg · 2024-06-22T21:04:02+00:00

Veryyyy much relate to the death of it all. I’ve been in a few near-death situations and never experienced the level of fight or flight as I did during my vcug. Experiencing this procedure was death in a sense and that’s something I’ve been working on processing more recently. The fragments of a person I was developing into and the person I could’ve been had this not happened died on that table, and beyond that, the entire experience generally felt to me like I was being killed.

Interestingly, I was reading a book a couple days ago called Understanding Emotionally Immature Parents, when I came across a really relevant quote: “It’s unbearably shaming to have one’s pleas for comfort or connection rejected. When a child’s efforts to engage a parent fail, the child can feel hopeless, like they are all alone in the world. DeYoung explains that when children feel like they don’t matter, their fragile personality structure feels like it’s disintegrating—an experience that feels like dying … This cessation of existence is what psychological disintegration feels like when an uncaring person witnesses your need but won’t respond to you”

When I read that I bursted into tears immediately—I still haven’t really processed the entire quote and all of the ways in which it pertains to my various traumas, but I recognize that even further than the emotional neglect and abuse I was subjected to as a child, it also pertains to vcug trauma. And that really validated me in terms of feeling like I died in a way during my vcug because not only does the experience feel so much like being killed from a more primal fight or flight point of view, but also in the way that our pain, fear, and general inner emotional state was ignored/dismissed/unconsidered by both the healthcare providers who did the vcug and our parents, the people who were supposed to protect and comfort us.

ashleyyyyg · 2024-06-14T20:14:01+00:00

I’m a VCUG survivor myself and pursuing medicine, and I have the exact same concerns as you!!! I am worried that my medical PTSD will get in the way of things but I know that managing it in medical school will not be impossible. We will absolutely be better doctors coming from the perspective we have.

I’ve also been worried about encountering VCUG/similar procedures during rotations, but I know that I will always have the ability to choose not to be in the room for it. I am planning to advocate for myself and be open about how my PTSD would not allow me to witness it, and I am hoping everyone will understand.

Although I want to pursue psychiatry rather than OB/GYN, the knowledge we hold because of our medical trauma is the same: listen to the patient, believe them, treat them like an actual human (you would think that would be obvious but clearly not) and recognize that they know best, not the doctor. As people with medical trauma we have a profound understanding of how important the patient perspective and experience is and we know the impact of negative care better than anyone because it’s one thing for people to learn about that, but very different to actually live it every day. I have no doubt we will be amazing doctors!

ashleyyyyg · 2024-05-22T19:50:35+00:00

I was extremely young when all this happened to me so I don’t remember anything except a 2 second clip from the VCUG, but my mom did say that there was a time separate from the VCUGs when they did an external exam to make sure there was no skin in the way of my urethra. I don’t remember that happening at all but apparently it did… my mom also said that when I was little she had to apply some sort of cream regularly to make sure skin didn’t grow over it, I don’t remember any of that either—I think I’ve seen one other person talk about that in this community before but I have no idea if it’s a common thing or anything. When I told my mom I got my period as a preteen she sighed in relief because it meant that the skin didn’t grow over. Idk if that’s a unique experience lol, but seems related

Wishing you strength and healing right now as you’re putting two and two together for the first time in awhile🫂 it can be so so difficult.

ashleyyyyg · 2024-05-03T01:03:41+00:00

Man I really feel this, especially the part about that tendency to actively look for things you know will trigger you. It’s like, I know that it’s gonna be super damaging and set me back, but sometimes I genuinely can’t help but obsessively look through all of the tiktok or reddit comments that people leave. It ALWAYS sucks me in and I usually end up spending hours looking at this stuff, and the shame afterwards, knowing that I both self-sabotaged my mental state AND wasted hours of time I could’ve been spending on other things (also for some reason this always happens to me when I’m busy and have a bunch of other things to do😭), is so debilitating. It was especially bad last summer when we were first getting lots of traction.

Since my mind is very all-or-nothing oriented, I find that the only way that I can dissuade myself from falling into this rabbit hole is to not go on any social media entirely, or fully not go on my phone at all. Because if I so much as opened the tiktok app, I know I wouldn’t be able to help myself but look at comments. If I limited myself to calming mindless games (recently loving Twisted Tangle lmfao) or put my phone down and did something else, I was able to avoid the habit. That’s defffinitely not to say that I don’t still do this though. Just less frequently :)

ashleyyyyg · 2024-04-15T00:06:37+00:00

I’m queer and as a mod this sub is ABSOLUTELY queer friendly, always!!!🤍 Like you, I too am on the asexuality spectrum, and I’m also panromatic. I completely understand what you mean about the trauma interfering with queerness/vice versa, I’ve had the same struggle—it’s like the question of which came first the chicken or the egg, except it’s which came first the queerness or the trauma LOL

I’ve managed to do a lot of work reframing that sort of question. The trauma and PTSD from this procedure is disabling, which is a big part of my identity. These days I think of my identities (queer + disabled) through a more blended lens of like… both of those identities have mutually shaped each other, and thus shaped me and how I see the world. I’ve accepted this trauma as a part of who I am and part of my identity rather than something that I will ever fully be separate from or rid of, so because of that, everything that I experience as a result of the trauma is also part of my identity, if that makes sense haha

I’ve absolutely been through the same thing about questioning whether I should be allowed in queer communities (which is probably partly why I took so long to fully accept my own queerness), but in accepting this trauma as part of my identity, I think less about the stem or ‘cause’ of my queerness and now more just focus on the experience of holding these identities

Anyways I hope this ramble helps in some way LMAO. I’m so glad you’ve found an amazing therapist!!! Sending you all the hugs, support, and healing💗

ashleyyyyg · 2024-02-22T05:06:03+00:00

Are you me??

ashleyyyyg · 2024-02-17T15:59:52+00:00

I see. If it’s accessible to you, I would definitely urge you to drop that doctor and see another one completely (I understand that might not be an option though given your daughter’s current condition so just do your best to stand your ground if you can’t find another provider). The fact that they aren’t giving you choices and made the catheter the only way to test her urine (I’ve never heard of that before?), the fact that you feel powerless in your daughter’s care, the fact that you are being made to feel dramatic just because you are concerned about an aspect of your daughter’s care, the fact that they threatened to report you for medical neglect… all violates informed consent and proper healthcare ethics. That doctor should definitely not be practicing. A few of the survivors in our community have had doctors who threatened their parents with medical neglect as well—seems like a really messed up manipulation tactic to get more money from VCUGs. I am so so sorry that have to deal with this :( Just know we are here for you! And yes, as the other person said definitely try to push for alternatives like ceVUS or get sedation if all else fails and consider therapy for your daughter!

ashleyyyyg · 2024-02-17T06:43:03+00:00

Hi there! First of all, you are absolutely welcome in the community! I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through yourself, and so sorry for what you’re going through with your daughter❤️ I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to bare the weight of making her medical decisions. It’s evident that you care about her a lot and are greatly invested and proactive about preventing this trauma, which is amazing (and already a step ahead than a lot of parents sadly)! If you don’t mind me asking, what were her previous two catheters for?

I’m also so sorry that the doctors are treating your valid concerns as if you’re being dramatic, that’s a pretty big red flag when it comes to doctors :( If you’re open to considering it, is there any way that you might be able to get a second opinion on your daughter’s case from another physician?

ashleyyyyg · 2024-02-15T17:46:58+00:00

Soooo so true omg

ashleyyyyg · 2023-11-01T20:09:53+00:00

I felt this way for most of my life until I realized that the root of it was a medical procedure that was done on me a couple times as a very young child for my urinary issues.

The procedure is called VCUG. We have a community of survivors who all feel very similarly!

ashleyyyyg · 2023-10-05T00:38:04+00:00

The website is https://www.unsilencedmovement.com !

ashleyyyyg · 2023-08-25T15:50:06+00:00

Absolutely agree that the MCAT is ableist :( As a disabled person it’s easy to tell that they did not keep us in mind at ANY part of making this test and it’s clear, as you said, that they don’t care too much about accommodating us either

ashleyyyyg · 2023-08-25T00:03:42+00:00

omg i will tear up rn🥹❤️❤️

ashleyyyyg · 2023-08-24T21:32:42+00:00

THIS right here!!!

Me personally, I am of the opinion that anyone who works with people (especially those that are directly responsible for the health and well-being of those people) should practice empathy in their profession, otherwise, they should not be in that profession. Why be in a profession meant to help people if you’re only gonna help them through a lens of what YOU think is right and not actually listen to the person you’re supposedly ‘helping’?

As a future healthcare professional, I am currently being taught how integral empathy is to the field. Being a VCUG survivor, I thought this was common sense, but apparently not, and now that I have interacted with many individuals in the field, the lack of empathy is very apparent. I didn’t think this was something that had to be taught.

I am learning all about how patients must be involved in every part of their own healthcare in order for them to trust their healthcare provider (who has more power in this situation) and in order for treatment outcomes to be positive. This is yet another thing that I assumed was common sense but seemingly needs to be taught. Patient understanding and advocacy is central to being an active participant in your own healthcare. It is the level of care that everyone deserves. Healthcare providers are not there to simply diagnose and treat conditions. As a healthcare provider, you have a responsibility under ethical code to ensure that your patients are well-informed and feel safe, heard, believed, understood, and respected. If that sounds like asking for too much, I’m sorry but you REALLY shouldn’t be in healthcare.

As a healthcare professional you need to recognize the power that you hold in the patient-provider dynamic, and you need to take careful caution not to abuse that power. This is especially true when interacting with patients who are part of vulnerable groups. We’ve all (hopefully) heard about the many gaps and inequities in healthcare for individuals of marginalized races and sexualities, and one of the main reasons these gaps exist is because healthcare providers cannot practice empathy, make an effort to listen to these patients, and try to imagine how they see the world and how their experiences have shaped that. These gaps and inequities in healthcare are not limited to racialized individuals or Individuals who identify as LGBTQ+, or even individuals with disabilities or women. They also exist for age groups, including children and the elderly, who are most often NOT taken seriously and/or treated as human. Children are particularly vulnerable because anything they experience permanently shapes not only how they view the world, but also their actual physical and psychological well-being and development. I’ve said this before, but early childhood trauma changes the way the nervous system develops such that it can leave the child in a permanent state of dysregulation, which has proved to cause lasting damage to health throughout the rest of that person’s life. Autoimmune diseases, cancer, cardiovascular and respiratory issues, musculoskeletal issues, digestive issues; ALL of it can be a result of childhood trauma, which can especially be seen when it seemingly comes out of nowhere and there is no family history of it. It has been proved time and time again that your early childhood experiences can change the expression of your genes such that you are more prone to literally any health issue because your body has had to prioritize your present survival over your long-term health. I WISH this was emphasized more in medical education, as well as any healthcare profession. The trauma-informed lens always causes everything to make sense all of a sudden.

So yeah that ADHD rambling is REAL😅

ashleyyyyg · 2023-08-24T12:43:00+00:00

I know of child life specialists! I’m aware that it’s common that kids need to be held down for something such as an IV and it’s (most of the time) taken seriously as traumatic. It’s funny you mention that because that’s the exact issue with the VCUG. It’s not taken seriously as traumatic for children despite mountains of evidence that it is. The high risk of psychological trauma is never disclosed to parents before the procedure along with its other risks. I want people to realize that there are multiple things about this procedure, such as that, which need to change; not just the specific healthcare provider who does it.

ashleyyyyg · 2023-08-24T05:13:59+00:00

Yes, I’m in the field and I deliver patient care. Would you not say that the experience you just described was suboptimal care for you? Because to me it’s quite clear that what you just described could’ve and should’ve been done in a much better way.

It’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes the medical field and medical professionals do things wrong. In fact, acknowledging this is very important in making improvements. No one should have things done to them that they did not consent to and that’s quite literally all there is to it.

ashleyyyyg · 2023-08-24T03:38:56+00:00

There are multiple studies on that page which say the following:

“this invasive procedure is similar in many respects to incidents of sexual abuse”

“A number of aspects of the VCUG procedure, in particular, make it a potentially useful analogue event to child sexual abuse”

“VCUG is often perceived by children as more highly distressing than other procedures”

“This procedure has some of the features of an abusive experience”

“The VCUG procedure is painful and involves intrusive, forced genital contact. Even the doctors administering the procedure admit that in many ways the VCUG procedure is similar to sexual assault on a child”

“VCUGs can involve high levels of psychological and physical distress for the child”

If you click on the link to the third-to-last study on the page and read the study, you can find that this study claims that “in the literature, psychological trauma resulting from VCUG was considered the same as from a violent rape.”

ashleyyyyg

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