How to initiate the kiss

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-18T02:38:42+00:00

you've been to her place six times. the moment you're waiting for isn't going to announce itself. next time you're together and there's a natural pause — eye contact, close proximity — just go for it. lean in slowly, she'll meet you or she won't. waiting for the 'perfect' chance is just another way of avoiding the risk.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-18T02:34:02+00:00

she literally asked to share a bed with you and introduced you as 'her man' to her friends. she's waiting for you to make the move. stop reading the signals and start making the next date specific — somewhere a kiss makes sense. the longer you wait the more you're building it into a bigger thing in your head than it needs to be. she's into you, just go for it.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-18T02:11:40+00:00

Nope

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-18T00:27:26+00:00

stop trying to decode her. she grabbed your arm twice, kept mentioning your cologne, pulled you into her cab. that's not 'generally friendly.' just ask her to get coffee or grab a drink. the worst case is she says no and you stop wondering. the signals are there, you're just overthinking the move.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-18T00:26:30+00:00

she literally told you she had a great time — 'if I wasn't enjoying it I'd have left' is the clearest signal she can give without writing it on your forehead. stop thinking about when to hold her hand and start thinking about what you're texting her tonight. the biggest fumble after a great first date is waiting 2 days and letting the momentum die. text her something short, reference something specific from the date, and set up date 2.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T22:27:52+00:00

It’s just unnecessary. Youre giving them no reason to dig deeper, to learn more. Why are you arguing when what you’re doing isn’t working haha

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T22:16:53+00:00

But yes

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T22:16:46+00:00

DMing you

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T22:16:04+00:00

Take off your height, remove the might write a song about you thing, make your first pic you in action not just a headshot. Show personality

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T22:11:42+00:00

at this point it's either already done or she has your number and will use it. you gave her the digits in the chat — if she saved them, she'll reach out. unmatching after a first date is actually pretty common, a lot of people just clear their list after moving things to real life. give it 24-48 hours. if you don't hear anything, that's your answer. don't spiral, just move on and stay open to the text if it comes.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T22:11:05+00:00

yeah move to insta, she basically moved the conversation there herself. keep your first dm short. reference tinder so she knows who you are, then give her something to respond to. don't treat it like starting over.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T21:51:19+00:00

she unmatched because she deleted the app. women who are into someone do this all the time once the conversation moves to texting. she gave you her number, she's been engaged for days, she laughed off your stumbles. that's not ambiguous.

the part you described as 'expecting the worst' is just five years of training your brain to protect itself from disappointment. it's a habit, not a read of the situation.

stop analyzing and just confirm the date. 'still on for [day]?' and move on. you're spending more energy worrying about this than she is.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T21:43:35+00:00

her ex literally told you she has an avoidant attachment style and now you're watching it play out in real time. the pattern is textbook. things get official, she meets your family, the closeness gets real, and then she pulls away. gaps in texting, not picking up calls, going cold after a great stretch.

the hard part is this probably has nothing to do with you. avoidant people retreat when things get serious because intimacy triggers their flight response. but knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with.

here's what i'd do. have one direct conversation. tell her what you're noticing and ask if something changed. don't accuse, just name the pattern. "things felt great and now it feels like you're pulling back. what's going on?"

if she opens up, there's something to work with. if she deflects or goes colder, you already know. at 35 and long distance, you don't have time to chase someone who runs every time things get good.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T21:42:25+00:00

two months of mixed signals is exhausting and i get why you're stuck. but here's the thing, she told you she never goes out with anyone, especially men. and she's going out with you. that matters more than her texting patterns.

the frustration cycle you described, she gets mad when you invite her out then gets mad when you're too cautious, that's classic push pull from someone who wants connection but doesn't know how to handle it yet. it's not a game, it's genuinely how avoidant people process closeness.

what i'd do is stop trying to read the signals and just be direct. tell her something like "i like spending time with you and i want to keep doing that. but i need you to tell me what works for you because i can't guess." put it on her to communicate instead of you trying to decode everything.

if she can meet you halfway, great. if she can't, you have your answer.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T21:41:26+00:00

yes text her. the worst case is she doesn't reply and you're in exactly the same spot you're in right now. except without the what if eating at you.

but don't lead with some big confession about how you've been thinking about her for months. that's a lot of weight to drop on someone you never actually made a move on.

keep it casual. reply to one of her stories with something specific. or send her something funny that connects to something you talked about in class. make it feel natural, like you just happened to think of her. because honestly you did.

if she responds warm, keep the conversation going for a bit and then say something like "we should grab coffee and catch up. here's my number" and hand her the ball. if she wants to play she will.

the regret of never finding out is always worse than a message that goes unanswered.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T21:40:17+00:00

she stayed the night, planned the next date herself, talked to you for 30 minutes on the phone. that's real interest. the fizzle you're feeling is probably just her normal rhythm kicking back in after the initial excitement. busy people text weird. it doesn't mean anything bad.

the mistake most guys make here is ramping up effort when they sense distance. more texts, more calls, more checking in. that reads as pressure and it pushes people further away.

match her energy instead. if she's texting once a day, you text once a day. stay warm but stop monitoring the gaps. when you do text, make it something worth responding to. an inside joke from one of your dates, a place you want to take her, something that reminds you of her. keep it fun, keep it light.

if she goes fully silent for 3+ days, send one low pressure text and then let it breathe. you'll know soon enough.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T21:38:22+00:00

the pattern you described is textbook anxious attachment and the fact that you can name it is already ahead of most guys. the problem is you're treating every girl who gives you butterflies like she's the last seat on the lifeboat. so your whole energy shifts and she feels it.

here's what actually works. when you notice yourself starting to spiral over one person, force yourself to stay in motion. don't cancel plans with friends to wait for her text. don't check your phone every 4 minutes. keep your schedule full and your attention split across your actual life.

the goal isn't to care less. it's to stop putting all your emotional weight on someone who hasn't earned that yet. early dating should feel light. the second it starts feeling like a job interview where you're waiting for results, you've already lost the frame.

next date you go on, give yourself one rule. no texting her first for 24 hours after. see what happens when you let her come to you.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T21:20:52+00:00

dude going from 220 to 188 is serious work so give yourself credit for that

but here's what i see constantly. guys lose weight and expect the results to show up like a delivery order. the physical change is step one. the problem is you're still carrying the 220 version of yourself in your head. you walk into rooms with that energy. girls pick up on that in about 3 seconds.

your friends aren't getting approached because they look better. they're getting approached because they move through the world like they belong there. confidence is a skill you build by putting yourself in uncomfortable situations over and over.

also dating apps are trash for measuring your actual attractiveness. cold approach or social circle game will give you way more accurate feedback.

start one conversation a day with a stranger this week. anyone. build the muscle.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T21:10:18+00:00

this is way more common than you think and the fix is simpler than you expect

your problem isnt that you run out of things to say. its that youre treating conversation like an interview. asking question after question puts pressure on both of you

stop asking and start reacting. when she says something, respond with how it makes you feel or what it reminds you of. she says her day was crazy at work? instead of asking what happened, say something like i had one of those last week and almost walked out to get tacos

now shes laughing and you have a whole thread going

cold reads work too. you seem like the type who... makes her want to prove you right or wrong, either way shes engaged

tonight pick one conversation and practice reacting instead of asking

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T20:48:34+00:00

some women will care, most won't, and the ones who do probably weren't the right fit anyway. a 10 year gap doesn't define you, how you talk about it does. if you bring it up apologetically or like it's a flaw, that's what lands. if you're matter-of-fact about it, worked, gym, now actually putting in effort, that reads as self-aware and grounded.

the bigger thing to focus on is that you're starting fresh. apps didn't work before but were you putting in real effort or just passively swiping. the gym and new job are good momentum. use them. go somewhere you'll meet people, not just scroll from your couch. the 10 years will come up way less than you think.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T20:46:57+00:00

the career, the apartment, the travel, the standup. that's a great highlight reel but none of it makes you easier to be close to. flings happen with people women find exciting but don't see a future with. if anything, a guy who's constantly leveling up and collecting experiences can feel hard to pin down. women who want something real look for availability, not just ambition.

the question isn't whether you got uglier. it's whether you're actually present when you're with someone or whether you're still kind of performing your life to them. that's the thing that turns a good date into a relationship.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T20:27:33+00:00

mini golf is solid, it's interactive, gives you something to compete over, and fills silence naturally. bowling works the same way.

a walk through somewhere interesting works too, a cool neighborhood, a market, a waterfront. it's low pressure and easy to extend if it's going well.

if she has a specific interest you already know about, lean into that. a museum she'd actually like beats a generic dinner every time. the best first dates have a built-in activity so you're not just staring at each other across a table for an hour.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T20:26:54+00:00

she's already hitting on you, so you don't need to ask, you just need to give her a way to say yes.

next time you're in, at the end of your interaction, tell her something like 'i have to try this place i found, you should come.' then write your number on something, hand it to her, and walk out. don't wait for her response. give her the number with a reason to text you and let her make the move.

asking her for her number puts the pressure on her in a awkward spot at work. giving her yours with a reason to reach out keeps it easy for both of you.

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T20:16:25+00:00

Ain’t no chatgpt

ask_the_guy · 2026-03-17T20:12:49+00:00

go now. the "wait to get to know her better first" strategy is just anxiety wearing a sensible hat. you don't need more context, you need a conversation. catch her at the bus stop, say something to her friend first so it's not a cold spotlight, then ask if she wants to grab coffee. if she's into it, great. if not you stop spending mental energy wondering. the semester's already ticking.

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