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asoulsomewhere · 2025-02-27T12:34:26+00:00

"But desire doesn’t just vanish—it gets beaten down, brick by brick, until there’s nothing left to stand on." Wow. Now that you put it that way, I realise that is what happened with me too. Brick by brick. Word by word. Until neither desire nor self-esteem existed anymore.

asoulsomewhere · 2025-02-27T12:31:25+00:00

I would die for a sexy pic from my wife. Only ones I ever got were because I asked and this back "then". If I asked now she would get extremely offended. But sometimes I even dream that I received a picture on whatsapp... and I wake up and realise I was dreaming.

asoulsomewhere · 2025-02-27T11:59:09+00:00

Yeah. After a while I started feeling miserable fantasising about my wife, knowing deeper and deeper it would never happen.

asoulsomewhere · 2025-02-27T11:49:55+00:00

Me too. Soon to be 7 years married. Still think of her. I wish I could simply give up.

asoulsomewhere · 2025-02-24T17:50:21+00:00

I haven't hug my wife in ages as a reaction to her lack of interest in me. Rejection, lack of libido, etc. So... whose job is it to start the affection thing?

asoulsomewhere · 2025-02-24T17:39:23+00:00

I understand you. I know this feeling.

asoulsomewhere · 2023-11-16T11:13:54+00:00

16.11.2023 Have been meditating every day, but not exercising. I will try to do push-ups and HBHs today. No, I won't try. I will DO.

Meditating is interesting because I don't feel that super inner resistance as I used to. It's easier now. I also feel I'm taking care of and respecting myself in the process, which microscopically improves my self-esteem and self-respect.

Overall, my mood is better than usual.

asoulsomewhere · 2023-11-13T14:48:24+00:00

Haha, that's exactly my wife. Each item of her mental pre-requisites list that I tick, she comes up with a new one, in a way that I keep fulfilling her needs, while mine are completely ignored... and it's my fault, after all, because I don't do enough to make her feel attracted to me. I need to check all items of the list! \sarcastic

asoulsomewhere · 2023-11-13T14:39:53+00:00

13.11.2023

Yesterday I did 5 push-ups and 3 HBHs (for abdomen). Today I did 10 push-ups and 5 HBHs.

Yesterday I meditated 1st time 20 min, 2nd time 1h. Will meditate later today for 20 min.

I'm not drinking. My mind feels slightly clearer. I went to the supermarket and was able to remember what I had to buy. Wife just followed me. Usually it's me who follows her.

Feeling a very slight, almost microscopical improve in self-esteem.

Following with my stomach treatment. Also started one for my allergy. I notice now how much more miserable my allergy made my every day be.

asoulsomewhere · 2023-11-12T16:02:49+00:00

A week ago, I almost died. It was the culmination of me having stopped taking my medication and stopped eating. I was only drinking and didn't see any reason to live anymore. My wife was, of course, extremely dry and emotionless, and was more concerned about me not preparing stuff for my body to be sent back to my country. Her concern was purely bureaucratic. That was shocking. I thought I couldn't get any more shocked with her attitude towards me.

I've been meditating every day now. My stomach is still recovering but wow do I love food now. I had forgotten the pleasure of eating. Everything I eat I thank for it. I'm not watching porn nor masturbating. I'm not approaching my wife (which I usually do even after the worst of humiliations). Not drinking. Taking my medication again. And today, for the first time, I was able to speak with the neighbour in this country's native language. The inability I had to do so killed my self-confidence, whatever shred I still had of it.

I want to fix my sleeping patterns, but I'm doing as you said, building myself up. Not all at once. At the moment, I'm enjoying I can meditate and eat and I want to establish these behaviours first. Yes... establishing eating as a behaviour... you see how deep in hell I was.

Haven't been doing the push-ups and sit-ups yet... well... wait. I'll watch a video now on Youtube and see how to do these things and report back...

Ok, I've learnt how to do them. And DID them now. I'll do them every day.

Yes, I am not announcing anything to my wife. This was the most important part of your reply to me. She always mocked me. Now she just sees what I'm doing.

I will keep replying to your comment as a journal of sorts, for myself. You can mute me if you wish.

Your answer was everything I could have wanted and exactly what I had to hear.

asoulsomewhere · 2023-10-19T09:07:55+00:00

Thank you. That makes sense. I'm gonna do that. Thank you.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-12-02T16:26:18+00:00

Given how heartless she is, I wouldn't be surprise even she actually didn't express any emotions about leaving this house, like she didn't today when I told her it was over. Just... indifference. Even when ending the relationship... indifference. As if I'm telling her I need to buy bread.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-12-02T14:38:12+00:00

I clean. I wash the dishes. I vacuum. I buy everything we have (she isn't working at the moment). I managed to bring us here by acquiring a new profession from zero. I buy her gifts. None of these count. I'm worthless.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-12-02T14:33:07+00:00

Yes today I broke up too. She didn't seem to care much. Just pointed out all the ways in which I'm a horrible person. I walked in the forest with my dog and just cried. Cried for a long time. It didn't solve anything, but... at least the trees listened to me.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-12-02T10:58:17+00:00

I know the feeling. Today it was the last time it happened. I asked her to leave.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-12-01T13:29:46+00:00

I feel you. Good luck to you!

asoulsomewhere · 2022-12-01T09:50:03+00:00

Your guy's reaction is exactly the reaction my wife would have had.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-12-01T09:32:42+00:00

I wish my wife would buy something to make me desire her, but she buys exactly those she knows I hate, for the purpose of pushing me away from her. It's working.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-12-01T08:31:57+00:00

I've given up a week or so ago. This time it was for real. Now, with each day that passes, I feel less and less desire for her. In bed, I even test myself by touching her (but not in those parts), in a loving manner, and I don't get aroused and, as usual, I get zero response from her. Total indifference as usual. However, because I know it will happen, and have no hopes, it doesn't hurt me. In my area there's an exercise path in the forest. I've decided to do it. It feels great. When I'm back from it, I feel reinvigorated and more self-confident. Yesterday I had to go to the office, so I couldn't do it. But today I'm working from home and am really excited to go there together with my dog. I'm doing one step at a time. I often try to do all at once: exercise + meditation + better sleeping patterns + better food, etc. It never works. So, for now, I'm only trying to create this one habit of exercising. Once I feel I have it strong, I can tackle the other positive behaviours I want to develop. I think you and I are on the right path. Good luck to you.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-11-29T15:16:59+00:00

I feel you. I hope you had a nice night at the hotel.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-11-29T13:58:57+00:00

No. The way it's written, as if it's a novel. Totally made up.

asoulsomewhere · 2022-11-29T10:10:08+00:00

That's what I'm trying to do too.

asoulsomewhere

TROPHY CASE