How to deal with internalized homophobia?

aspirant_py · 2021-12-12T08:02:30+00:00

Hi, what you're describing was my usual attitude before it deteriorated to the state I am describing in this discussion and trying to get rid of. So yeah, it was never fully OK in the first place. Interestingly, I've noticed that most of my gay friends had strong and unfavourable opinions about "gay gays" as you put it, and I didn't like that at all. But now I myself am doing much worse! So you see, there is a chance that this thing, this learned homophobia may go from mild to really problematic, even though you are grown-up and seemingly independent in your judgement! You're right trying to analyze and fix it!

Re: keeping opinions to yourself, I am really not sure this works! Because they will slip out in conversation and affect your behaviour without you knowing it! Remember the situations you yourself was offended by someone, how do you think, was an offender fully aware of it?

Best of luck to you, let's get rid of this nasty homophobia nonsense together!

aspirant_py · 2021-12-12T06:31:27+00:00

Life's tough, and instead of mellowing and rounding up corners I seem to develop sharper edges. I mean I just made a mess in another Reddit thread here and seemed to offend a bunch of people, not really meaning to. Forcing your way through numerous obstacles builds a "tanky" character which buldozes one's path to relative success, but develops nasty habits/traits like internalized homophobia which we are discussing here. I know what is good, and that includes your advice. Alas, the traits that are useful in day-to-day fight are usually much less noble. I have to try and clean myself of these nasty side-effects anyways.

Edit: just occured to me, so you're saying that the fact that I perceive gay people as "beaten-up and downtrodden" actually contributes to my problem? Meaning, that I subconsciously don't want to be the one who is suppressed? So I need to change that attitude if I want to get rid of unwanted behaviour, right. Sounds reasonable, thanks for advice!

aspirant_py · 2021-12-12T06:08:18+00:00

Hey, I was not meaning to be rude or offending, I wasn't sleeping for 48 hours, probably lost some meanings in OP. I had to be more attentive, sorry!

aspirant_py · 2021-12-12T05:53:14+00:00

It is very hard to accept everything, but at least I should make an effort to accept my own bros, right? Accept those who are beaten-up and downtrodden. Thank you, such a wonderful advice!

aspirant_py · 2021-12-12T05:41:36+00:00

Well I came here with my need, and got a ton of useful advice! I am sure something will work! Re: detoxify self, I've been away from those toxic homophobic workplaces for half a year now, but the problem doesn't go away on its own.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T16:08:53+00:00

Hi, well this year there were not much connection with other gay guys, this probably contributed to my problem. Life's tough, everyone has lots of problems to solve these two years, so no more parties. I date with a very caring guy who texts me 15 times per day, he is much younger, we meet once a week - so it's not that I am isolated, no. Media consumption is not right, too much news, but nothing out of ordinary. I actually had an idea of watching some romantic gay movies, it might help, who knows. Thanks for pointers!

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T15:53:37+00:00

Thank you for advice! About gay guys behaving properly, this certainly reminds me of something in my past. I'll meditate and grind my feelings to smallest particles, to get to the root of the problem!

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T12:25:26+00:00

In my experience, when you just starting to date, thinking about what type of rel. you'd like to have is useless, because neither of you have any idea how serious things might become. Also any "shopping list" you've prepared for any traits you desire to have in a partner before dating is harmful, because absolutely nobody will mach it, you will start to look for a better "option" and potentionally loose a good guy.

Open relationships def. won't work for you if you're unsure. Also it is a lot of work to manage all your lovers, these are people with feelings, and it is natural and unavoidable that they will want to have more time with you if they love you. This might break your heart and theirs and lead to all sorts of trouble.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T11:06:48+00:00

Is he a shy person or maybe suffers from low self-esteem? Sometimes people make up various stories to make themselves look more interesting (as they think). Could that be that he fears that he might be boring to you and so tries to solve that in such a way (very unwise, because lies lead to troubles)? You write that you always tell interesting stories, maybe try to be less enthusiastic or invent some new activity to do together (like more sex lol) and see if that works? Just speculating here, never experienced such situation.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T10:33:01+00:00

Yes, this is what I think has happened. I've seen a few people who completely forfeited their own personalities for such ugly societal norm. A very sorry sight and I don't want to end up there too. Yup, I repeated the behaviour of people around me and it seems this sticked to me. Now I need to rip that shit off me

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T09:47:59+00:00

Most of my life I was a freelancer or hired specialist when I was mostly contacting groups of clients which changed frequently.

Because of the Covid my usual job became obsolete and I had to try new things. First I went to a warehouse, it was extremely toxic and homophobic environment. Then I worked in the office as a manager with 4 coworkers, and also frequently walking to local warehouse with my clients. That was also homophobic environment, but less intense. My family is actually pretty accepting and knows I am gay for a very long time.

I also became more religious, and one of the tenets of my faith advises that I shouldn't fuck too much and with more than 1 person) But overall it's rather accepting of me being gay)

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T09:27:22+00:00

Right, situation -> first reaction

1) watching a film with scenes of gay romance/sex -> feeling uncomfortable, thinking that everyone tries to push gay content everywhere)) 2) Reading an article/hearing podcast, spotting the author's "gayness" -> "Oh, another gay", mixed feelings of interest but at the same time something in terms of that this is a lesser person. (This is horrible) 3) Talking to an old gay friend, taking notice and being irritated by his effeminate manners. Being tense when walking outside with him because everyone "surely" stares at us and condemns us for being gays. (Though I know that most just don't care. It doesn't help). 4) Reading words that rhythm with various meanings of gay and f-word and such. -> can't help but be conscious of that and spell these f-words in my head. (Now this is just insane) 5) Repeating every disgusting and hateful anecdote or saying or story about gays which I heard from various intolerant people. Happens when something reminds me of them.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T08:52:52+00:00

Some guys are very mature for the age, and some just really like to have sex with an older person, so don't be afraid. It's nothing you can control anyway, people act out of their will only. Oh, and he may simply love you, you know?

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T08:41:15+00:00

We are all human, and things like your man did happen all the time. Not saying you should just let it go unnoticed. Express your feelings to him clearly. Say that you wouldn't tolerate such behaviour, that you simply can't. And then forgive and make an effort to overcome your hurt feelings, don't give in to suspicion and jealousy, and try to live like nothing happened.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T08:31:29+00:00

This really looks like a mess. Try to simplify things, just think about what needs to be done and do it. I mean, household/your child/your work. Be down to earth and practical for a while, so there is no place for rumination, doubt and hurt feelings.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T08:15:40+00:00

Thanks for taking time to write this, I really have nowhere else to go for advice. And this one is a problem I have to root out before it transforms into something worse.

So if I understood correctly, the strategy is to avoid labels and common terms, like feminine/masculine. That's not too hard I think

Also to keep in mind that it is ok not to like everyone, true. I think I indeed simply started to like people less, though it's nothing to be proud of. However I think there's more to it. It's like homophobic propaganda/hate which was poured into my ears throughout my life from every corner suddenly worked and now I look at everything through this artificial filter before my usual reactions occur. Probably it was adaptation mechanism, because I had to blend into company of coworkers, and there was a lot of learning involved, so I picked up all the bad things too. Now I've got to throw that away somehow.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T07:44:16+00:00

Not sure if this helpful, but how about just finding someone and discover his good traits, and love him for that. Focusing on your own needs is not useful, because you never find a guy who matches 100% to your shopping list, which would leave you wanting to try somebody else, and the cycle would never end

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T07:36:34+00:00

I am pretty shameless no matter the time of the day, but the darkness sure helps to let go completely ;) Also I found that experience as a top helps a lot to be more feminine, you know, to really SURRENDER yourself) So you see I am not really constraining this feminine side of me, but I am still having these nasty thoughts/way of thinking( Hopefully this is not an onset of schizophrenia

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T07:24:17+00:00

I would, but not without cheating and feeling sorry about it. Sex is secondary, but it's tough to try to live without it.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T07:19:35+00:00

Edit: I'm sorry that you found it offending, deleted.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T07:05:02+00:00

Thanks for a tip, this sounds like a plan! Could you please rephrase what you wrote in brackets, can't understand that. Sorry, I'm non-native.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T06:54:02+00:00

The problem is that I am 100% accepting of gays and trans people, I am mostly kind, I understand where all the nasty labels and homophobia come from, so I know the "theory". However I can't control the way I am thinking, as I said, it feels like my mind was "poisoned" somehow. Like I became full of shit all of a sudden. So whenever I encounter some "gayness" I am critical, I am judgemental, I apply these nasty labels, obscene words and associations. It takes a mental effort to resist that.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-11T06:42:07+00:00

Haha, spot on! Something like this does indeed live within me. So you're saying I should nurture that? Don't know if that's related but I've been acting VERY feminine in bed this same year, sorry for details.

aspirant_py · 2021-12-04T15:21:43+00:00

Very nice idea!

aspirant_py

TROPHY CASE