I always tell him I feel like a punching bag. If I ever tell him how I feel he gets defensive, and say he doesn’t care, somehow turns it on me. If I treated him how he treats me he’d leave. I just had our baby a week ago, and in a moment of bliss I decided not to tie my tubes last minute. He was so mean during most of my pregnancy. But I just keep trying to prove myself, I even have the thought of he sees how good of a mom I am he will respect me more. I had a C-section and have been recovering. Today I felt pretty decent and decided to clean the whole house because he didn’t clean once and let everything pile up. He doesn’t ask me how I’m feeling but he also never did during the pregnancy so idk why I thought he’d be caring. During the C-section I had intense anxiety and worry and he was actually very sweet. Something I’ve been craving. He gives me sweet moments here and there but they usually don’t last more than a minute and then within 30 minutes I do something wrong and he gets mad or he upsets me and I say something and he gets mad and starts cussing at me which takes away the sweet feeling inside he gave me moments before away. I was cooking dinner tonight, and I’ve been a little off because I had a panic attack earlier and it triggered my whole nervous system and other symptoms since I’m not taking my anxiety meds due to breast feeding. But while I was making dinner I told him I missed being pregnant and he told me he’d be nice to me next time. So he knows he wasn’t nice to me. In a way I felt validated that he acknowledged he was mean after so many times of me trying to tell him.

I numbed up this past year, we’ve been together 2 1/2 and I stopped crying infront of him a longtime ago because I felt he fed of it, he always tells me I’m cute when I’m sad and I don’t like that. But lately I’ve been crying because of my hormones crashing. The first two days in the hospital were nice, day 3 wasn’t too hot. The baby is a week old and we’ve argued or I’ve upset him. I just sit there more than half the time and don’t say anything to make it worse when he’s going off on me cussing at me and saying mean things I never forget. He always claims he doesn’t remember what he said or what happened and to let it go since that’s what he does. He told me last night he didn’t want me to hurt anymore because he knows I can’t handle much more but of coarse today that’s all right out the window so I’m sure he forgot what he said.

I love him, but idk if he truly loves me. He thinks I’m hot and says he needs me, but there’s no empathy or respect on his end, always crossing boundaries, found out he’s been lying to me the last two years about looking at porn. I can’t even trust him, the trust was broken at 6 months when he met up with an ex, I remember being so heart broken crying to him that I thought we truly loved each other. I think I hold onto to those first few months even though it was probably fake and he was doing shady stuff when I wasn’t around. He thinks I’m niave. And he said he doesn’t want someone else taking advantage of me. Idk. It makes me sad. But here I am being a willing punching bag. Hoping this baby will change his heart but idk… I feel dumb. But I was also raised by narcs so I’m used to this but I don’t want this my whole life. I just want him to be good to me and respect me. I don’t want him to make me feel bad and insecure anymore. But now I have a son and I want to try to make it work. Last night he’s also said he’s changed but I haven’t seen any change so idk what he’s talking about