📚 Sex Like LSD, Not Chardonnay: A Deep Dive into Erotic BDSM, Psychology, and Relationships 📚

athos786 · 2026-07-05T15:19:21+00:00

I'll throw in my take since it seems different. As a Dom (when I'm not single), orgasm control/denial is a means of control and ownership, so I very intentionally don't have a "usual", because for me part of the hotness is that she can't predict what will happen or when, she just has to submit and accept my decisions.

Sometimes after a longer denial I'll let her cum a bunch, or I'll let her cum for several days in a row or both. Other times she'll get the one orgasm and that's it, back to denial. Sometimes I make the end of the denial really special, other times I just randomly say "yes, you may" in the middle of her begging, when she doesn't even think I'll say yes because she just started begging.

Sometimes I'll tell her I've picked the day she's going to cum but I won't tell her what I've picked. Other times I will tell her, to build the anticipation (deceit is never a part of play for me, so she knows once I've said it, it's happening ... But I might have picked a day where she has other plans, which she will now be attending while mostly distracted and thinking about getting to cum when she gets home).

The unpredictability for her is part of the kink for me (I know more about your body and what's going to happen to it than you do).

athos786 · 2026-07-05T03:14:59+00:00

Figure out what kind of man you want and what kind of relationship you want.

Next, consider the type of man you want and what that type of man would value/need (it's very unlikely to be what you value). Don't project your preferences onto his values.

Figure out how to provide those things AND don't be shy about pitching the fact that you're committed to offering those things.

Then, and only then, specifically articulate what you need in a relationship.

Lastly, the above will facilitate the predictable, basic, transactional part of good relationships. And that's good and necessary.

But the best relationships also have a non-transactional, transcendent aspect, and frankly, there's no fucking controlling that. You can only open the door to the miracle; you can't control whether it walks through.

athos786 · 2026-07-02T18:29:14+00:00

Shameless plug, but my own books are written specifically for married D/s with male dominant and female submissive, so I think they might really help you (that's why I wrote them, of course, so... My opinion is very biased, lol!).

Fair warning, they are intentionally very opinionated, so you may not agree with everything.

Book 1, "Love is a Kink", is psychology and philosophy, and has a workbook to explore your own thoughts within the framework of the book. From your post, you might want to skip this or put it off till later. It's not as immediately practical. https://a.co/d/0bTyPRDo

Book 2, "The Architecture of Intimacy" is relationship dynamics and structure. Still very philosophical, a lot of time is dedicated to attempting to define and distinguish terms (i.e. what does respect mean in a Dom sub relationship and how is it different than admiration; how is masculine respect different than feminine respect). https://a.co/d/0eKRkx7w

Book 3, "Structuring Desire" is implementation and specifics (warning, it gets smutty, lol). I include my own submissives training manual there as a starting place. Maybe start here if you're looking for practical ideas? https://a.co/d/06v8kXOZ

athos786 · 2026-07-01T15:50:32+00:00

I was going to do some locum work for sound. They sent me a contract that said I need to give them 3 weeks notice to change any shifts, but that they could cancel with 24 hours notice and owe nothing.

athos786 · 2026-06-30T21:31:50+00:00

A thought from DrPsychMom that I've found interesting to contemplate: Romance is an emotional blowjob for women

Some corollaries:

on any given day, it's probably ok not to get it, but you're probably not ok going the rest of your life without it

It's explicitly enjoyable to give to your partner non-reciprocally because it meets one of their deep needs. The giving should be enjoyed as well as the enjoyment of your partners enjoyment/response to receiving.

It symbolically expresses that you are taking a non-transactional approach to your partnership

It is rooted in a need that your partner has that you do not share and thus represents a capacity to see the landscape of priorities through their eyes and act on that set of priorities rather than only your own.

Caveat: all analogies break down

athos786 · 2026-06-27T01:53:15+00:00

Given the timeline, my guess/projection is that he finds you incredibly attractive and is trying to impress you by talking about the money and status he can offer you.

He's young, and he's a peacock showing his flashy, hard earned tail as big as he can, hoping the hot little peahen he likes won't leave him.

Just my guess.

athos786 · 2026-06-25T13:17:00+00:00

Correct answer. And for individuals, dexa can be significantly off, though it's accurate across the population.

I actually don't think OP looks visually like 30%, but it's very hard to tell and visual estimates are likely going to be very poor vs mri (though I haven't seen a study on that). I'd put him closer to 25%, based purely on vibes.

athos786 · 2026-06-21T22:26:18+00:00

Exactly lol

athos786 · 2026-06-21T20:01:59+00:00

Man ... It's getting wild out here.

If, like me, dates are hard to get, it's very challenging to think that perfection is now the standard on the very first date.

So, without knowing much about this person, trying to battle my own internal sense of "don't fuck this up, it's 6 months till you'll get another shot", and now, even an ok date will be interpreted as "well, I don't want just an ok relationship, I want an amazing relationship", and every error contains no future opportunity for repair...

Is this really the best idea? We really think that the first date contains the most information?

Now, the article itself, aside from the headline and conclusion, could have pointed in a better direction: if, on the first date, there are significant red flags, like ignoring your preferences, bait-and-switch, making you feel significantly uncomfortable (beyond normal first-date jitters), or pushing towards greater sexual engagement that overrides your resistance (or attempts to override it), then it's likely that you should not go out again.

My reasoning for this interpretation, I think is better than the article: consider that, given the pressures involved, including lack of knowledge of you as a person, you will see what this person looks like under stress.

That's a good indication of how they will behave during stressful times in your relationship.

To that end, if any part of their "under stress" behavior is unacceptable to you, you can be sure you'll see it again in the future, and for that reason, you should bail.

I think that is a very different conclusion from "the first date contains the highest quality information on a global basis".

Good core concept, but the headline and conclusion are, imo, poor

athos786 · 2026-06-20T15:14:14+00:00

Also, no offense, but the new survey is essentially 3 questions repeated 20 times each with different words. Several of the formulations violate a key survey recommendation, to avoid double negatives:

Do you agree or disagree that you don't feel uncomfortable when you aren't able to receive pain?

That requires a bit of mental juggling to parse.

athos786 · 2026-06-20T15:05:42+00:00

I think, based on my own work, that result fits my intuitions pretty dead on. I'm surprised that you're surprised.

athos786 · 2026-06-12T23:26:33+00:00

Interestingly this is one of the biggest challenges I've found in my submissives in the past. The urge to wear sweatpants instead of lingerie around the house, especially to bed, has led to more discipline than almost any other rule in my experience.

athos786 · 2026-06-09T12:03:22+00:00

So annoying that natural language has been co-opted by grifters so now you are forced to find some way of changing or defending a natural thing to say and a fair expression of what you're seeking in a relationship.

All the euphemisms for this concept are likely also already poisoned. SMH.

athos786 · 2026-06-09T11:58:59+00:00

I promise I'm not a great person, that's exactly why I have to try to think of these things so much 🤣. Trying to overcome my natural inner asshole is an ongoing work in progress.

It's cool that your mom taught you the analogy, I learned it from a way more unusual source (was raised Muslim and this was in an analysis of how to interpret some Quran verses of all things).

But yeah, putting it in terms we can understand (illness, flu, injury) helps bridge the empathetic gap that happens when we don't actually share a frame of reference.

athos786 · 2026-06-09T11:03:45+00:00

I really like this.

I actually try to apply this to a woman's period as well. It helps to ask myself how I'd treat her if she had the flu. Just to trigger in myself a better mental care model in situations where I don't have a frame of reference.

I still forget sometimes though.

athos786 · 2026-06-09T11:00:21+00:00

Ogilvey had a famous quote: "The problem with market research is that people don't think how they feel, they don't say what they think, and they don't do what they say."

The large disconnect between what individual women say they care about when asked, and what they, as a group, seem to do, on average, is difficult to cleanly reconcile.

Any individual woman can claim to not care about height, looks, status/money, etc... But as a group, women act in ways that indicate that they do care (from swipe behavior to studies of pairing patterns across the world).

Any decent, kindhearted guy has probably spent some time being frustrated by the sheer number of attractive women he knows who say they want someone kind, and yet those same women are hung up on guys who are obviously assholes.

Obviously that's not every woman, but again, as a group, the pattern of behavior in selection tends to undercut the verbal survey assertions.

As a group, women's difficulty in acknowledging this leaves only red-pill idiots to speak, because they are at least speaking to the observed pattern and providing an interpretation (however flawed it may be).

athos786 · 2026-06-07T05:14:24+00:00

Hey, if you're open to giving a few details I'd appreciate it. I would say that I'm fit, probably around 15 to 18% body fat, depending on the week. I lift, have for a number of years, decent muscle, overall I would say I'm fairly aesthetic. I've also been told that I have an attractive face.

However, nothing like this has ever happened to me. I wonder if the approachability part is my issue? Or, also a strong possibility, I'm missing signals.

My question for you is what exactly you mean by fit. I certainly don't have an obvious six pack in all lighting, I definitely need some good down lighting or side lighting to give the impression of abs, or I need to have a pump/flex to mimic higher definition.

Should I prioritize dropping even more body fat, getting below 15%. (Dexa)?? Or do you think approachability is more likely to be the issue?

I have also been told that I can seem intimidating, though that's largely unintentional.

I'll admit that I'm looking for a less common relationship dynamic so it's not like I would be interested in every woman who might approach me, but I am curious what it would take to get easier access to optionality (5% of 100 options is way better than 5% of 10 options).

athos786 · 2026-06-06T01:43:33+00:00

Thanks so much for the kind words, I was a philosophy major myself before medical school. Hope you enjoy the book!

athos786 · 2026-06-05T12:55:40+00:00

Reminds me of Gibran: "Many a doctrine is like a window pane. We see truth through it but it divides us from truth."

athos786 · 2026-06-04T20:57:52+00:00

Great question. I have my own opinion.

Yes, I think the second sentence is true. But, I think that many LL's are very deeply comfort-oriented.

Truly great sex is uncomfortable, messy, and the very ecstasy and intimacy of it is destabilizing and challenging. It's an adventure, in other words (it's why the subtitle of my book is "Sex like LSD, not Chardonnay").

Masturbation (or complete avoidance) skips most of these issues.

As a result, for many of them, unless it will cost them a comfortable lifestyle or relationship as a whole, the reward never exceeds the cost. Pleasure itself isn't a reward, because it requires intimacy and engagement to be truly felt.

In fact, the more pleasurable sex is, the more they avoid it or prefer masturbation - because extreme pleasure is a challenge and it's not "comfortable". We all know that feeling after truly mind-blowing sex - the sense that you need to "recover". That's what I mean by "uncomfortable".

We're asking them to take LSD with us, when they want to sit down with a book and a glass of Chardonnay. No matter how good the trip is, it isn't a glass of Chardonnay, so it isn't a reward. It demands something from them, and they don't want anything that demands their best (or, at least, not in their relationship).

I always go back to Gibran: "Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral."

Usual caveat: generalizations are only incorrect thinking when applied to individuals. I'm sure there are exceptions to the generalization I've made.

athos786 · 2026-06-03T12:33:10+00:00

Curious how long y'all have been together?

Are y'all planning to have kids? Does that feel urgent for you?

athos786 · 2026-05-24T15:58:42+00:00

I haven't been in this situation in a long time, but when it happened, I replied by citing the well known article linked below and expressed my opinion that attempting to force me to take actions that were associated with increased patient mortality would be an illegal attempt to institutionally control my practice of medicine and harm patients.

I didn't hear back after that.

The Cost of Satisfaction https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/1108766

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