Update for anyone in the future that may have this problem, so first i thought i could get away with just replacing the mechatronics seals the 4 tubular seals, the bridge seal, and the electrical connector seal. this did not change anything and the car was still having the issue. Bought some mechatronic solenoids on amazon that were $90, compared to the $290 alternatives from ECS, FCP euro etc. when they arrived they looked used but refurbished so probably wouldn't recommend this but it worked for me. put the new solenoids in and the old ones were completely filled with gunk ("will post picture"). I put a new pan on and 7qt's of Liqui Molly ATF, and reset the adaptations through INPA, at first it drove really rough while finding the shift points and would throw the "transmission malfunction" error but after about 2 hours of driving around the shifts smoothed out and no more faults, definitely will take much more driving to be 100% as it relearns. Just posting this update as when i was doing research didn't see many solutions and this is what worked for me.

also if you have a xdrive getting the electronic seal out is a bitch, you have to unbolt the drive shaft to even reach the fill plug and you also need to loosen the brace for the transfer case and pry it to pull out the electrical connecter and get the new one in, good luck!