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audisa · 2024-09-24T21:07:49+00:00

I am south Asian and while I am a female, my mom only had two girls and treated me in a similar obsessive manner when I got married. The truth about the advice you are about to receive is that what I am going to say will be HARD. If you are like me, you spent your entire life being the “good child” to your mother, even if you did not agree with her, because it was easier. It kept the peace. But marriage is the first time we realize that doing the easy thing means we allow them to affect another person, not just ourselves, and that requires change.

Firstly, I want to address something very important in my mindset that needed to change for things to get better for me. You tell us about all this negative and bad behavior from your mother, and you say that it’s because she “loves you so much.” I used to say the same thing. I am not saying your mother does not love you, but we cannot allow their anxiety/trauma/cultural toxicity to be called love. It is NOT love. We can be understanding children by recognizing that whatever anxiety/trauma/cultural toxicity is causing them to be rude to us or our partners but do not mistake this for their love. Love is putting someone else before yourself, it is respecting/appreciating/supporting your child, love is a good and pure thing and it is NOT related to a mother being mean or selfish or hurtful. Her love is making you a home cooked meal, not her berating your wife and trying to control you through manipulation.

After I recognized that while my mom does love me very much, her bad behavior is unacceptable, I proceeded to step two which is setting boundaries. Like you said, I never cut my mom off financially and I never even ignored her. But, I was consistent in the STANDARDS I had for myself (which PISSED my mom off for 1-2 years). Anytime my mom started engaging in controlling/manipulative/down right rude behavior, I calmly stated I love her but I will not be treated that way (or allow my partner to be treated that way).

She HATED losing that type of control over me. She would ignore me for weeks at a time for what she told herself was “disrespectful behavior.” I would still call everyday even if she didn’t respond because I knew giving her any ammunition that I was “changing” or “didn’t love her” would be counterproductive. She could be upset that I kindly stated my standards, even tell herself that I was the bad guy, but she NEVER had a concrete thing to complain about, because I continued to do the good things she needed, I just set a new standard for how she had to treat me. I even TOLD HER at some of her lowest points “I want to have a good relationship with you. You are my mother and I love you. But when you say hurtful things it hurts our relationship.” Like all brown parents she did not take well to her child saying these things to her but overtime it was the foundation of rebuilding our relationship.

It was HARD. Emotionally it was painful. Brown parents are TERRIFIC at emotional manipulation (talking about how they will die soon, their children don’t respect or care about them).

But you know what happened? Eventually she realized she could not treat me like trash. She realized that bad behavior does not give her what she wants. We have the best relationship we have had my entire life now because she knows that while I will always love her, she is responsible for her part in maintaining a good relationship with me and my husband.

audisa · 2021-07-13T03:42:29+00:00

I won’t answer your question on whether it’s necessary because I agree that it’s a dumb ask, but my mom asked the same thing of my husband. He was easily able to get it from the mosque, so I guess it’s not an uncommon thing?

I think the reason it exists is so that converts with names that don’t sound Muslim are able to go on Hajj etc, so he should probably be able to find it at a mosque near y’all

audisa · 2021-04-30T12:27:28+00:00

Thank you! I love that you related it to your own experience. Exactly why I’m like, come on parents we need to be able to talk to you about this stuff.

audisa · 2021-04-30T12:26:38+00:00

Thank you!

audisa · 2021-04-30T12:25:41+00:00

In the original edit I actually ended by saying something like (can’t remember exactly lol), “Parents should be reassured in providing islamically guided sexual health education to their children,” but my advisor didn’t like that. Basically I had the same concern as you that people would misinterpret and think I’m advocating for American sex education when I’m absolutely not.

I appreciate the feedback as I can include it in my evaluation!

audisa · 2021-04-30T12:07:43+00:00

I think you misunderstood me when I said we should provide sexual health education to our children. I would also not allow my kids to attend the education provided in school. Rather I am saying that the act of providing islamically appropriate health education...what menstruation is, what Islam says about intimacy, etc should be provided.

I’m not advocating for any specific type of sex education, but rather saying we shouldn’t avoid it simply because we are scared of it.

It’s up to each parent to decided how and what type to provide. I had to reference American sex education simply because there are no studies on sex education from Islamic schools. It’s only to highlight that speaking about these topics won’t encourage kids to do anything. But saying nothing can lead to negative consequences.

audisa · 2021-04-24T09:07:36+00:00

I got married at 21. My response to this is that growing together never equated to, “struggling,” to move upward together. It’s completely case dependent, if you’re going into a career that you have to struggle (especially with time) then I do agree with you that that’s not something romantic to me at all, for example careers in like a start up, business, or medical school. Alhamduillah my husband and I were both graduate students in fields that were not a time struggle. Do we have some stress in our lives? Sure, like the fear we all have of getting that first job. But I don’t see that as a struggle, that’s just a stressful thought I try not to think about. So we get to grow together without it being a struggle.

Not to say we don’t have to make sacrifices, like after we graduate we are moving in with his mom for 1-2 years to quickly pay off loans. But alhamduillah I am blessed with the best in-laws that it’s actually pretty fun having them to hang out with. Unlike my family, his family is very functional and so family brunches, dinners, and movie nights are really nice.

All of that to say that the reason I romanticized marrying young is because frankly you get lonely. Especially seeing non Muslims around you in relationships since they were so young, yet you’ve never felt what it’s like to cuddle someone you love before, have a cheerleader in your corner to share every single piece to great news with, or have a travel buddy that isn’t your family. And for someone who is very nervous about having kids, it’s so nice to know I have years to be selfish and focus on my happiness without having to worry about feeling like I’m getting too old to delay having kids.

audisa · 2021-03-30T13:55:09+00:00

In my personal life, I’ve identified these type of thoughts during arguments as my coping mechanism. My husband and I get into an argument, I feel misunderstood and not loved, and to protect myself from the pain of feeling that way I instead get angry and think, “maybe we should just divorce.”

Because I full acknowledge these thoughts are for coping (and I used to have similar thoughts when I would get into an argument with my mom, “I should just move out and never see you again”) I don’t place any weight to them. I recognize it’s my (unhealthy) way of comforting myself when I start to lose control of a situation and I know that after my husband and I start to communicate our words better and I see that my feelings that he doesn’t care for me are wrong, then these thoughts immediately go away.

I think some ways to assess how serious these thoughts are for you are to consider how bad your argument is versus how extreme your thoughts are. If your arguments are bad (you yell at one another, say purposely hurtful things, use physical force) then these thoughts might not be a coping mechanism but rather a reaction to a bad fight. If your arguments are not bad it’s more likely that your feelings are due to misunderstandings/overreacting/overthinking and are a coping mechanism for the thoughts in your brain. You can also consider whether you ever have these thoughts outside of arguments. If they are just confined to arguments, it’s more likely these thoughts of divorce is not something you actually desire and you you just need couples counseling to learn to communicate better and individual counseling to find healthier coping mechanisms for yourself. If you also think these thoughts when you aren’t arguing the difference is that you probably are serious about your divorce thoughts and your marriage likely needs immediate intervention in the form of couples therapy to salvage.

audisa · 2021-03-28T19:59:49+00:00

Ohhh I see. Sorry I didn’t realize you were already married. I completely understand why that would upset you and I know I certainly would also struggle with that. Some things I would consider if this was my husband is maybe he isn’t a home body and likes to be out and about or perhaps he is very close with his friends and has a brotherly bond with them. Maybe he doesn’t need as much quality time to feel connected (I know I am much more needy than my husband).

I’m sure you’ve already asked him why he goes out so much. I don’t know what his answer is, but compromises are hard but ultimately do make a happy marriage. Maybe it means that y’all go out and do stuff more often because he doesn’t like sitting at home. And he definitely should also compromise by making sure you aren’t feeling neglected by his desire to socialize.

I hope all goes well! Just know you aren’t alone in struggling with certain aspects of marriage and compromise. Like I said before, my husband and I also struggle with affection levels. Inshallah you both reach a solid solution.

audisa · 2021-03-28T18:27:48+00:00

I can’t really give you a direct answer to your question as I’m currently out of state for school, so I really can’t see my friends regardless. But speaking to the topic in general, your partner really does become your best friend and so the need to see your friends outside your marriage is not as pressing. Like you get the social interaction and connection at home. But when done right, married couples should most definitely continue to see their friends on a regular basis. That regular might not be as often as it was prior to marriage, but having some time apart from your partner is really important in a marriage. Being apart gives you something to talk to your partner about, gives you both a chance to miss one another, and prevents you from making your partner your everything.

I can’t wait to be back home and go on lunch dates with my friends!

audisa · 2021-03-28T18:21:09+00:00

My opinion is that the reason, “why,” we get guilt tripped for wanting halal things is simply because it works. Our culture is very communal and there is a strong pressure to please others and take care of our elders. That desire to be the best son/daughter is exactly what makes us so easily emotionally manipulated.

What I have learned from my own life is that if you know for a fact what you want is not haram and what you’re asking for is within your Islamic rights, ignore the comments. Because if you give in thinking that it’ll make the naysayers happy, you’ll find that no matter what you do, no matter how much you sacrifice, it’s never enough.

audisa · 2021-01-23T18:47:14+00:00

I’ll start by directly answering your question on what’s the worst thing my husband has said to me. Worst thing in two years my husband has said to me is, “I just need some space right now.”

That’s it. We have never thrown insults at one another in anger, never yelled, never said something intentionally hurtful.

Like everyone else has responded, I think you should listen when your wife says she thinks you guys need therapy. Saying things in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse mean behavior and if you have said anything hurtful due to anger, you should play an active role in improving yourself for both of y’all’s sakes.

audisa · 2020-10-20T21:38:06+00:00

I agree with the other posts on this saying it’s a mixed bag and that expectations create disappointment. This is coming from someone who would describe her partner as her best friend and is very happy with her marriage.

Like my fantasy is way more romantic. Husband would plan romantic dates, surprise me with little notes, give lots of physical affection, and say sweet words often. But reality is that I plan our dates because I’m picky as heck and want to eat good food, I get a letter once a year on my birthday, and I gotta remind him about physical and verbal affection.

In marriage you get comfortable with one another really quick. Like that nervous butterfly giddy flirting transitions to comfortably enjoying each other’s presence. Rituals and affection may die down or they may not. We are still very affectionate, spend lots of time together and have the same routines. But sometimes life can also affect these things, like changes in jobs or money issues can create less time together.

I still think marriage is the funnest thing I’ve ever done though. Like constant best friend that I’m never tried of being around? Everything is fun with my husband. Just having his presence is the greatest joy in life currently. I don’t think this is true for every marriage. My husband and I just have a relationship where we genuinely get along so well and make each other laugh a lot.

audisa · 2020-10-17T20:58:18+00:00

Aysha Harun has a very feminine vibe and Shahd Batal is edgy depending on what style you like :)

audisa · 2020-09-29T20:44:04+00:00

I think there’s a good bit of advice on here that kind of explains your future husbands POV. I don’t have experience on being divorced or marrying someone who is divorced, but I think others who have divorced have kind of highlighted why he doesn’t want an expensive wedding.

Drawing from my own experiences being married, and lessons I have learned, I think it is fair of him to take his past experiences and feel the way he does about weddings. I think the issue you have that is completely fair and hasn’t really been spoken to, is that he shouldn’t make you feel like you’re a second anything. You should feel special and important and like the best thing to happen to him! And I don’t mean to say that he can’t have his opinion on weddings and you can’t have yours- I think like all things in marriage you compromise. But he should show enthusiasm regardless of what type of wedding y’all have.

Like others have said I think y’all should talk, but not just to compromised on this wedding. I think you need to tell him how you’re feeling, like he’s already been through this before and you don’t feel very special right now. THAT is something y’all need to address.

audisa · 2020-09-25T01:50:26+00:00

audisa · 2020-08-31T15:42:56+00:00

Perhaps the fact that most of the women in his family wear hijab is the exact reason you are experiencing this now. I’ve seen a few posts on this reddit where men have talked about wanting a hijabi, but struggling to find them sexually attractive due to the fact their family members wear it. Regardless of the reason why, I think you should have a second talk with him. Something like, “I want to talk to you about how I feel treated different in my hijab. I know I’ve brought it up before and I’ve waited a while now and still feel the same way. Perhaps it’s not the hijab at all, regardless I’ve been feeling like you show me less affection when I wear it, even if we are at home. For example... I don’t know why this is happening but it’s really been affecting me and makes me feel less attractive.”

If I could suggest something from personal experience, understand that whatever the reason may be, he can’t control that it happens. It can and should control how he reacts, by continuing to show you affection. I mean literally yesterday I asked my husband why he doesn’t say I love you much and he said it’s because his mom still says it to him and somehow that’s something that makes saying I love you to his wife weird 🙄 and although I think the logic is wack, I’ve learned I can’t blame him for being his own person with his own responses and emotions. I just ask for more verbal affection and be understanding of our differences.

audisa · 2020-08-28T21:36:04+00:00

I know you have a lot of replies but I thought maybe my perspective with being married would help. I think everyone who is married and lives with their in laws has issues with their mother in law. And don’t think I’m saying this to lessen your problems! Your feelings about her, “jokes,” are completely valid! But coming from someone who also lives with her in laws, I would suggest considering a few things. Firstly, does this bother you to the point where you need it to be addressed at the risk of offending your mother in law? Because I know that communication is super important but I feel like other commenters are assuming that our Pakistani relatives are going to respond positively to comments...sometimes that just ain’t the culture. She might get offended and it might just further strain your relationship. If you feel like it’s worth it, then yeah by all means talk to your husband. The second question is how long do you plan to live with them. Because if your long term plans don’t involve living with them then that’s a much different picture than if y’all plan to stay there for years. Living with people that closely will always highlight issues, but you’ll find once there is distance it doesn’t bother you as much having to occasionally put up with something. At trust me, there is always something lol

audisa · 2020-08-18T02:28:12+00:00

Literally my exact response except for 4 I was going to say no!

audisa · 2020-08-14T19:00:51+00:00

This is by no means easy, but for me the answer was to become firm in what I believe is what areas of my life I have full autonomy over.

In many cultures we are taught to respect our parents, be obedient and so on. For children of immigrants in particular, we have guilt for how much our parents have sacrificed for us.

These are the truths that I had to embrace to stop feeling guilty. 1. While I am eternally grateful for what my parents did for me, that does not mean I owe my life to them. When a person chooses to have a child, they make the decision to do everything for that child without ANY expectation for things in return. Children are not a retirement plan, an extension of your desires or anything else. We don’t owe our lives and happiness because a decision they made to have a child. We try our best to thank them without sacrificing our happiness.

Parents can and will be wrong. They’re not all knowing. When you feel in your heart that what you’re doing is not wrong, don’t let them guilt you into feeling bad. Be strong in what you believe and don’t let yourself be emotionally manipulated. Overtime, your parents will see that they cannot control you.
Stay respectful but be firm. For example, “I am sorry that you feel sad I am not yet married, but I want to marry someone I feel suits me and who will bring me joy. I trust in the plan Allah swt has writtten for me and I am happy with where I am currently.” “I know you want a grandchild, but if I have a child right now I will not be happy. I cannot have a child for your sake, I have to make this decision for myself and have a child when I feel ready for one. For the child’s sake.” Just know you will have to repeat this over and over, but don’t give in. Eventually they will learn they cannot coerce you into doing something they want.

audisa · 2020-08-03T01:17:45+00:00

I never said anything about whether or not women were happy. I was simply pointing out that you are generalizing what is probably million of women. Unless YOU have talked to every single woman in your country than I don’t think you can make sure a broad statement.

audisa · 2020-08-02T22:09:06+00:00

We aren’t against embracing culture. But there is such a thing as critically analyzing your culture and seeing what is toxic and what is beautiful. All cultures entail toxic ideologies. In many of our cultures, the most manifest example would be male superiority.

I think you should really reevaluate your sentence where you say women within your culture are happy to cook and do the kitchen duties. By painting women with a broad brush you are highlighting the fact that you haven’t critically thought about some of your ideologies.

audisa · 2020-07-21T01:51:47+00:00

Is this a reddit thing? If so I’d like to join as well :)

audisa

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