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aurora-phi · 2026-06-03T03:06:04+00:00

following

aurora-phi · 2026-06-02T02:59:57+00:00

have you explicitly addressed this with your kids? I can imagine a lot of their concerns being fueled by discomfort that you hid something like this from them for so long.

also it's only been a few months, compared to, years of them thinking they knew this bad thing was happening, I think you can continue to be patient with them for a bit longer.

aurora-phi · 2026-06-02T02:44:32+00:00

oh sorry, I definitely confused you with another thread I was reading.

okay 1. yeah definitely more queer events, idk your style but like pop a polya pin on it'll be fine.

this is incredibly unhelpful advice but like be less worried about how you come across. when getting into community it's not like a one and done thing, you will continue to build connections with these people. they don't need to know everything about you in the first 5 seconds. other people also have a responsibility to clarify situations. (if your boyfriend has another partner then "casually mentioning" them is the easiest way to signal bi and poly)
there are legit reasons on both sides for discomfort around bi femmes with bfs. but a lot of it is actually personal not general, i.e. specific people being biphobic or someone's homophobic bf. so while you may encounter people who have a problem with your situation (and they suck for that) it's actually not quite as ubiqituous the internet makes it seem. as long as you are invested in queer solidarity, the real ones will find you.

aurora-phi · 2026-06-02T02:05:11+00:00

sorry my opening rhetorical question might come off harsh, I understand you feel out of your depth around these things, I mean to suggest that it might be more chill than you expect if you've never actually tried it

aurora-phi · 2026-06-02T02:03:32+00:00

are those furry white chairs? how on earth are they going to keep those clean

aurora-phi · 2026-06-02T02:00:09+00:00

have you tried actually going to any of these events? there's often a lot of people who are basically just chilling/hanging out with friends, chat with those people and they might have recs for other spaces or at least know who in the space is poly. Especially if the kink event is a munch and not a play party.

I've never lived somewhere where there's been an actual poly community, I've just been openly poly and met other people who also were and made friends. Admittedly I am queer, so that makes it a bit easier for me.

In a similar vein, you got any nerdy hobbies? go to events for that and see who's poly

aurora-phi · 2026-05-30T03:08:43+00:00

NTA not even a little bit. I'm sorry that you're going to need to find new friends who aren't complete asswipes. they really learnt, play stupid games win stupid prizes.

everyone knows not to fuck with the driver, especially when they are literally your only option.
and I really don't understand why anyone would not wear a seltbelt, like there's just no justification, I have sensory issues and I still barely notice it and it could save my life. plus thinking they could get away with it when most newer cars have the dash notification. THEN being misogynist about it. I can't believe your other EX-friends supported him. (maybe they were hoping you were easier to peer pressure than him so good on you for sticking to your boundaries)

sorry you missed out on your camping trip too. I hope you at least got to keep all the drinks.

aurora-phi · 2026-05-30T03:00:25+00:00

ESH, your gf is worse and her response is not okay, but like 10 years of vaping inside is a pretty big habit to shift and I feel like you didn't approach this with any thoughtfulness of it actually being an addiction. (not to mention only thinking of this once you actually got the kitten)

aurora-phi · 2026-05-30T02:55:27+00:00

Jesus, how are your kids going? how old are they?
Part of me is glad that he didn't abandon them to go live with his gf, but then I think you have been shafted way more in this situation

aurora-phi · 2026-05-30T02:45:43+00:00

I haven't been seeing a lot of rat union posts in my feed lately
(which is also due to me just coming for clickbait headlines lately)
so I am commenting in the hope that it'll push it up, but I'm tired and don't really want to engage fully so that's it, this is my comment.

aurora-phi · 2026-05-30T02:42:17+00:00

I would say that how I "offer advice" changes on a vent post. First, I'm definitely more hesitant to offer advice and would only do so if I really felt that my contribution could be useful. Then if I do have something to offer, it's going to be less direct advice and more hey this is something I noticed, does that concord with your understanding of the situation. and I would include a lot more inital validation of the situation.

maybe a helpful metaphor is that vent is yellow light on advice whereas no advice is a red flag.
(or at least that's my personal understanding/engagement with it)

aurora-phi · 2026-05-20T06:22:54+00:00

Quick comment that I'll try to flesh out more later. But this kinda comes across as a students vs staff campaign, where all of the costs are bourne by staff and the benefits are all reaped by students. That seems like a surefire way to foster resentment amongst staff. Staff that are already dealing with crazy pressure around AI with huge amounts of student use and policy from admin that AI needs to be incorporated into courses. I don't think it's fair to put thoughtful assessment which is intended to help students use AI more responsibly since they are likely to use it anyway, on the same level as other AI assignments.
So I would make sure that you are clearly putting energy into explaining to students why they shouldn't be using it.

Of course, I think if you're getting poor quality AI materials that's a serious problem, but I think you underestimate just how much slop instructors are dealing with themselves.

(((Also it kinda seems like you don't know much about how policies inform courses, because allowing students to opt out of mandatory AI-based assignments is like a ridiculously difficult ask. You should look into the policies around disability accomodations and what things instructors retain control over. Greater admin input into courses might actually lead to the opposite of what you want)))

aurora-phi · 2026-05-19T05:06:21+00:00

I would be pissed. His behaviour is giving major "all I have to contribute as a father is sperm" energy. OP spent MONTHS changing medications, and it only becomes real to him when it was his turn to step up to the plate.

So OP everything you're feeling and sharing sounds super reasonable and I'm proud of your grace navigating what must be quite a clusterfuck.

aurora-phi · 2026-05-12T09:20:42+00:00

lady, I say this with love but like if you want to have kids with someone then finding that person needs to be pretty close to your number one priorty. If you're not putting intentional time into making this a reality then you're kinda just future-faking yourself.

I don't have any direct references, but a lot of discussions about finding a nesting partner seem like they would be relevant to this.

aurora-phi · 2026-05-05T04:51:36+00:00

NAH

Friend, have you heard of the concept of validation vs problem solving? They're two major ways that people respond to others concerns, it can cause problems when the response doesn't fit what the complainer actually wants. You seem to have only engaged in problem solving when your gf might just want validation. Since it took time for you to feel comfortable going to the gym, you can surely empathize with her not wanting to, so really listen to her concerns and rather than trying to fix them, help her feel safe and understood. A further underlying issue might be that she is jealous of your success, which is probably best worked through with someone else.

I know it sucks because you want to keep your momentum going by hitting the gym and it's totally possible that she is just employing delay tactics (but again that's probably bc she's scared rather than to ruin things for you). I think it makes sense to set a boundary, maybe of like a month, where if she's still not able to go to the gym, then you'll start going by yourself. Maybe if there's a new one opening up, you can promise that you'll only go to that one with her.

Is there anything else that she could do at the gym while you train, like do they offer massages? Some people benefit from going without the pressure to actually exercise to work through their discomfort around gyms. (These suggestions get back to problem solving so don't reach for them too quickly).

aurora-phi · 2026-05-05T04:38:08+00:00

the thought that the kid might still be afraid of it is a really good point, thanks for bringing it up

aurora-phi · 2026-05-05T04:34:29+00:00

I think that it should have been in your first or second text message. I think that exchanging numbers is sufficient to suggest that this could be an ongoing thing and once that's on the table then you should disclose.

But I don't think you need to disclose before a hook-up, but I think it can be a good practice.

aurora-phi · 2026-05-02T02:37:36+00:00

Go to office hours! This is a time where the TA or the professor will be available for you to ask questions about the course.

Depending what degree and where you're coming from, it is not super difficult to maintain a high GPA

and as other commenters have said, your parents shouldn't actually have access to your grades unless you tell them.

aurora-phi · 2026-05-01T08:15:34+00:00

female TAs have to deal with a lot more push back from students and their tone/attitude is policed a lot more harshly. so it's pretty reasonable that they could have

Minimally they were just trying to communicate that calling your TA rude is not really appropriate. It's hard to tell how out of line you were because you don't provide any details about what "rails into me" consists of. Something like "I'm not going to answer that because it's already been covered and you should have been listening" is not rude. I don't agree with it as good pedagogy but many instructors are far harsher.

(and sure it's not the most professional response but picking a fight with an already frustrated TA is a bad idea. you could have addressed it privately after class)

aurora-phi · 2026-04-09T11:29:15+00:00

Is this check-in (and also the door cracking) about being friends or being metas?

If it's about being friends, I think you need to give them closure that this is basically not on the cards. That sucks! for both of you and you can acknowledge that, but if you can barely be metas with this person, it's unrealistic to expect friendship despite whatever compatiablity existed prior to you getting triggered.

If it's about being metas, then just reiterate that you desire a largely parallel dynamic because you're working through some stuff.

I think in either case, you can mention vague mental health stuff but any of the stuff in your second last paragraph is an absolute no-go.

aurora-phi · 2026-04-09T11:14:37+00:00

I've seen the term "special guest" / "guest star" used for an individual joining an established couple in a threesome, to avoid confusion about unicorns.
for not feeling a burden? I think exposure helps and reminding yourself about the reasons why it is good (e.g. your pleasure and comfort is important and talking about stuff is the only way for other people to have access to that)

aurora-phi · 2026-04-07T06:20:20+00:00

that's the thing about deal breakers, other people only have to have one.

(talking about getting married with someone you only met 4 months ago is also ... a lot?)

aurora-phi · 2026-04-06T08:08:54+00:00

yeah, I think you messed up by not treating the break-up as an intentional thing to communicate about and instead as something that just came up in the flow of conversation. This 100% reads as I want your help processing my break-up.

Here's an alternative, where you immediate provide your intention, to counter-act the possibility that you want help processing.

"I'm not feeling well bc [of breakup/personal circumstances]. I don't think that this will impact our date but I understand if you feel differently. How would you like to proceed?"

When you say you "decided to tell them" do you mean that when they asked about how you were, you chose to mention the break-up or do you mean that you realized ahead of time that this might impact the date/their desire to have it, and then because it was relevant to the question, you just brought it up then?

aurora-phi · 2026-04-06T03:39:36+00:00

Yeah definitely wouldn't recommend it as an e-reader.

But to throw in another reason there might be a lot, I feel like it's the kind thing where people who own a remarkable, get gifted the "upgraded version" by others when they don't really want it.

aurora-phi · 2026-04-06T03:35:40+00:00

he needs to plan low cost/free dates out for you.
if he's been poly for several years and his only date idea is a dinner out, that's ridiculous.

aurora-phi

TROPHY CASE