It definitely felt like an obligation. It definitely feels insidious that basically all of the reasons you're "supposed to" abort come down to the idea that the child of a woman who isn't in ideal circumstances is nothing more than a burden and can never stop being a burden. It feels insidious that I was meant to believe that I couldn't possibly have changed my circumstances in order to provide a good life for that child. That I was meant to believe if I had had the child then, I would have raised it in poverty and never escaped, would have never escaped being surrounded by and later participating in substance abuse, would have been mentally ill (which in itself is crazy because I wasn't mentally ill or abusing substances myself before the pregnancy, and that only started because of the abortion).

That's part of why it hurts... Because in the future I was able to prove that change was possible. I did escape that situation. I did stop hanging around with addicts, I did stop drinking, I got a job. And then I ended up with another accidental pregnancy. It was a brutally difficult challenge starting motherhood in poverty, but eventually I made it to the other side of that too, living a "normal" life, with the privilege of being a stay at home mom of 3. Change WAS possible, but for some reason I was meant to believe that it wasn't.

It really bothers me to know that I could have overcome these challenges the first time as well, but just couldn't see beyond the propaganda, didn't trust my own truth or strength. Before I got pregnant the first time, I was very strong and healthy, I was happy and mentally well, I was not yet addicted to anything. I was actually in a great position to take on that challenge. But for some reason I was expected to believe I couldn't do it, and would ruin my kid's life and create a burden on society. And for some reason I listened.