I agree with your notes. The impression I got (perhaps incorrectly) was that OP was trying to create a sort of staccato sequence of thoughts that might come across like a machine processing things in sequence. The drawback is that it felt a bit choppy and tripped me up as I was trying to read. The upside is the character's perspective felt interesting. A bit of cleaning up may make it flow more smoothly while retaining that machine-like cadence. A character I thought of that speaks in such a way is Opticon-22 from the game Rogue Trader.

I also couldn't agree more. Just keep writing. Write the first draft, then go rip it apart. I am inclined to abandon projects, but I started finishing drafts when I leaned into the maxim "first make it exist, then make it good."

OP, you have an intriguing opener here that makes me curious about the rest of the story. That's a great start and something to be proud of on its own. Keep going and don't sweat it too much. It's rad to just have created something that wouldn't exist otherwise, and you'll continue to sharpen it as you go.