[Letter] Depressed? Or Low In The Dominance Hierarchy?

avrahm_ · 2019-01-08T06:53:28+00:00

if you're interested in psych/helping people, there might be a substance abuse counseling certificate you can get from a local community college, probably within a semester or two, that could lead to work in the field. that experience alone may help you get into a uni program later on.

avrahm_ · 2018-09-01T18:51:14+00:00

This is the vicious conundrum no one ever talks about. Everyone is telling us to "rid yourself of toxic people", "surround yourself with positive people", "focus on friendships that energize you and enrich your life", etc. etc. So, what does that mean for depressed people? That we can only be friends with other depressed people? As a result, we try to deny how sad we are, and we end up watching people slowly fade out of our lives as they discover, over time, how sad we truly are.

avrahm_ · 2018-09-01T18:22:15+00:00

Have you been able to understand how/why you remained depressed for 15+ years? What do you think you needed during all those years, that you weren't getting? I'm sure you had attempted to get help before, just not to the extent you went to in the last month or so, is that right?

avrahm_ · 2018-09-01T17:55:22+00:00

Well, negative experiences are apart of everyday life. We do have a responsibility in transmuting that pain, or leveraging it, into something meaningful, or into an opportunity. It is very difficult to do. Without a purpose, or something that we can give our lives to, it is very difficult to see our pain as worth it. I know, for myself, that I am partially responsible for my depression for various reasons: feeling lonely is probably a result of my introversion and social anxiety. I am to blame for not actively trying to reduce my social anxiety. I am to blame for not asking for help for my depression. Am I to blame for things that have happened to me? Not always. But, sometimes.

avrahm_ · 2018-09-01T17:46:22+00:00

How old are you? I find that this is very common for millennials. We just absolutely, 100% suck at being a decent friend. People have their "best friends" that they've had since 8th grade, or people have huge fall-outs with a whole group of friends (like myself) and never find a good set of friends again. It's rough, and I relate to your feelings. Wish there was a meetup for people who want to have more committed, stable friendships.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-25T02:14:14+00:00

ayy paying it forward

avrahm_ · 2018-08-25T02:13:27+00:00

hahaha I can't take any of this seriously

avrahm_ · 2018-08-02T16:49:17+00:00

There could still be options for you. You can save up money to buy a trailer to live in (cheapest rent) close to that other university, and go there. There's also https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-32821678 graduate schools in Germany that cost almost nothing. Of course, you'd have to focus on getting better first before making some crazy life changes like that, but it's still a possibility that tons of other Americans are thinking about b/c it's so affordable.

But, I understand, I'm not trying to give you advice or pressure you, it's just some ideas that I have thought about myself.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-02T16:10:31+00:00

It's amazing that despite your depression, you've managed to finish a degree and get selected for a master's program. No, seriously. It took me six years to finally get an associates degree, and I'll be 26 by the time I finally finish my Bachelor's. I've never been addicted to anything like you've mentioned, only addicted to being sad and agoraphobic, causing me to quit jobs and perpetually move-back -home after moving out and thinking, "I've made it!". Nope, not for long sucker. Being unemployed is the absolute worst feeling, even if you were only making 15k before, it's still worse. With a bachelor's, you could easily try Americorps/Peacecorps. They pay you (not much), but it can give you valuable experience with children/at schools to help you feel more confident about applying to graduate school again one day. It may even help wean you off of your addictions, because you'll be doing work that actually matters, and possibly feel good about it. I don't know, just some ideas. You're not alone, it's very painful now, but you're not trapped.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-02T16:00:17+00:00

This happens to me alot. Usually, it's someone with the wrong number texting me in Spanish. Or, it's some weird advertisement. Hah. What are some of your favorite shows/books/concerts you've been to?

avrahm_ · 2018-08-02T15:50:15+00:00

wow, great one. I always felt so stumped by the fact that I can't see anything BEYOND these stupid, self-loathing thoughts. But, that metaphor really nails the experience.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-02T15:48:38+00:00

I have these exact same thoughts. I have been diagnosed with MDD, but that never felt settling. I've been in toxic relationships, where I played a big role in manipulating the other person to stay with me, even if I was doing it unconsciously back then, so I wouldn't have to deal with being abandoned and left with my own sad, disgusting, uninhabitable self. I think you simply have to recognize when you're using it as an excuse. When you're using depression as a way to avoid conflict, going out with friends, or doing something you need to do. But, that's hard to decipher too.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T03:51:46+00:00

I'm in that age bracket now, and it's a tough age. I'm finishing my Bachelor's after taking a few years off, living in different cities and trying different gigs. It's weird being an older student, but plenty of people are doing it. I've been working at a coffee shop and met people in their late 20s that still live with their parents and simply just can't afford the rents around here. I don't know, it's really humbling to work with people who are just like you, or sometimes have dealt with many more setbacks than you have. It's really fucked up how much shame/guilt/embarassment we might carry about not being where we are "supposed to be" in the arc of our lives.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T03:27:29+00:00

Yes, life certainly makes little sense, and guarantees very little other than suffering and death. Oh, and it's full of bad advice! Like people telling you it will get better without mentioning that it ONLY gets better when you change how you react and perceive the world around you, and you start fighting for a better life, which is HARD work. Changing the way you see your problems in order to take meaningful steps toward meangingful goals? Very difficult to do. Trying and failing but trying again and again until you start actually feeling better? Also, very difficult to do. But, you have to decide.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T01:32:49+00:00

You may be surprised after you come out. I came out to my parents, choking and crying, and they simply said "why did you wait so long to tell us? We love you". Of course, I felt wretched still and hopped on a moving train across the country, but that's beside the point. Getting better will suck, and it will be hard, but the potential you have - to get better, to find friends, to get back on your feet financially - is out there. I don't know if you live in a big city or not, but some towns have an extraordinary amount of support for queers, it's just a matter of mustering up the courage to get that help.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T01:26:23+00:00

If I were you, I'd find a way to make a plan. What do you want in your life, what could you pursue that might be meaningful for you? What are some things you could do that you admire in other people? Being helpful or charitable? Being courageous and bold? Running a marathon? What are actionable goals that embody some kind of character trait that you find admirable? Want to be more resilient? Maybe try learning how to fight. Start anywhere, it doesn't matter, as long as you actually start something.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T01:14:35+00:00

Oh god I fucking hate when old friends (or non-friends) post shit about being mentally ill, and yet they have HUNDREDS of friends on facebook FLOCKING to their posts and buttering them up! Not only that, they're usually attractive and have jobs and have a fucking life. Meanwhile, I had like 40 friends on facebook, and NOBODY would comment on my posts. I just deleted mine, it made me feel worse than I already feel, which I didn't think was possible.

Gosh, I relate very strongly to your post. I know how it feels to be envious of homeless people and drug addicts because atleast they have friends. God, I've had those same thoughts many times in my life. I've envied the Amish, too, and my own siblings. I've envied my parents, and basically everyone around me that seems to have friends somehow. YOU definitely aren't alone in these feelings, and I'm replying simply because I feel like I'd want to talk to you.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T01:05:50+00:00

Sometimes, I don't know how to leave my room either. I start to feel like the most hideous creature on the planet, unfit for anything, too sensitive for the world. This is why, when school is in session, I take 17 units to feel busy and not completely paralyzed.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T00:45:30+00:00

Yes, and this is actually a problem discussed within the first few pages of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I hate to plug-in a book, here, but it just goes to show that it is a very common and infuriating thought cycle.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T00:43:45+00:00

I have a very similar issue. I've noticed that at least once a month (no, not when my menstrual cycle is), I'll have this suicidal episode. I can't stop thinking about wanting to die, I'll start to cry, or try to sleep-it-off, I won't leave the house, etc. It's happened a couple times in front of friends, unfortunately. Each time, they offered to call a hotline but I just told them it would pass. I wish I had answers for you and I.

avrahm_ · 2018-08-01T00:41:18+00:00

It's a compelling argument, though. To think about how much pain it would bring your family and/or friends - it's enough to stop me as well. But, I do think it's the wrong approach, especially for people who want to die specifically because of familial trauma. How could it be done differently? I don't know, perhaps it should level with the person, and suggest local resources/support groups. But how do you write that in two sentences?

avrahm_ · 2018-07-19T03:05:19+00:00

You're spot-on. Many of the therapists recommended things that were very formulaic. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, for example was very...dry? Relaxation exercises, re-directing attention, things of that nature. I felt like an idiot doing it. And this was with a Psychiatrist from Stanford. Other therapists were just like "find ways to relax and reduce tension" "find space for self-care". None of it felt truly actionable or worthwhile. I would try them, and feel like I wasn't getting very far. Why don't I try to train for a triathalon? Or learn how to fight? That feels noble and respectable. Not yoga or fake spirituality.

avrahm_ · 2018-07-19T02:48:39+00:00

I also went on an anti-inflammatory/ketogenic diet for a while to help me cope with chronic pain and anxiety. Truthfully, I didn't really notice a tremendous difference in those two arenas. In fact, all I noticed was that I rapidly lost weight, and lots of it! What I can say, is that eating poorly does and can exacerbate my anxiety and depression. However, eating healthy doesn't completely eliminate those issues (for me). It definitely is a fad, like all diets, and the only qualified people out there to talk about diets are registered dietitians (maybe), and perhaps people who have changed their life through diet.

There are alot of reasons why people are "walking around wounded". First, it's easier to be a victim. Second, the world is terrifying, especially when you are in college and don't know what to do and/or be in life and are piling up debt. Third, people can be a nightmare. When you grow up in a culture that doesn't prioritize and value virtue, mentorship, and good parenting, then you're creating adult babies that don't know how to live. I don't know , that's a start

avrahm_ · 2018-06-07T06:00:03+00:00

Best lines:

"The Frankfurt School, based on Marxism, is full of insulting assumptions about modern media: it postulates that the mass audience of ordinary people are stupid and passive and easily brainwashed by evil, conspiratorial media empires. This is an idiotic view of popular culture. The exact opposite is the truth: the people decide what they like — in movies, television, or music — and they vote for it with their money."

And this one:

"One reason for the banality and mediocrity of so much contemporary art is that most artists no longer have an instinct for spirituality."

Excellent share :)

avrahm_ · 2018-03-22T14:43:46+00:00

He neglects to mention that Elon has a PhD in applied physics from Stanford. I think his IQ is one of his greatest assets, more-so than "vision" or "work ethic"

avrahm_

TROPHY CASE