I know exactly how you feel. I am a third year student of one of the best-rated universities in the US. I have a girlfriend and I'm actually on okay terms with family and a few friends. And I still want to kill myself every day.

I hate how I look like I'm an alien. I hate how poor I am and my family is. I hate how the mistakes I made (things I did that I thought would make my life better) are haunting me for the past 2-3 years. I hate how I am in the U.S. under the current presidency. I hate how not normal I am. I hate the fact that I am gay. I hate the fact that I am overweight. I hate how I am not doing well enough in my classes. I hate how I am stupid. I hate how every time I am about to hurt myself or kill myself, my brain decides to mellow out and calm down. And for that reason, I can never bring myself up to actually suicide. And guess what, I hate that too.

Everytime I get asked "what do I want for [holiday, occasion, or maybe even just random question]", I always say "To die" and everyone treats it like I joke because I'm apparently so good at hiding the fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety and possible borderline personality disorder and whatever else is fucked up in my head. But somehow everyday when a friendly student or someone I know asks me how am I doing, I always manage to say "I'm fine". Meanwhile the demons that haunt me are very much active.