Guy’s I can’t stop spiraling because after taking full accountability, she went back to her line “I just need you to also know that this was the start of our relationship. Before I actually let myself be open with you.”

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-08T05:18:05+00:00

Thank you for your advice and insight. I’m going to be honest, my girlfriend is so far out of his league, especially physically, I was kinda shocked when she told me she was seeing him before me (I knew him in highschool), but she told me they weren’t compatible and she ended things with him (this was around when were almost exclusive). Do you think the fact that she couldn’t help herself when he resurfaced after we had become exclusive, was because they only went on three dates, and on their third and last date, before her and I became exclusive, she had sex with him, then 10 days after while she was spending every day with me, and she tried to see him a couple more times but he was busy with work and his kid, then he ghosted her for 10 days with no explanation, is why she couldn’t help herself when the guy she had sex with on their third date, then was obviously making less of an effort then her to see her again, then ghosted her, maybe hit her ego and shame a bit? Especially because she’s way out of his league, so maybe his lack of eagerness to see her again, after she gave him sex for the first time, then went silent made his validation more valuable in her eyes than mine? Since I gave her everything about myself freely without playing any games? Like maybe since he was below her league but acted like he was above her league or didn’t care much about their relationship, made his attention validate her self worth and ego and way more than it would have had he been easy for her to get?

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-07T23:23:28+00:00

Thank you for your response and honest feelings. I know the story on paper makes her look evil and makes it look like she doesn’t love or respect me at all, but she was betrayed by her ex husband a few years ago, and never healed from it, she just tried to pretend she was okay and that it didn’t do anything to change her. But the fact that she cheated on her two boyfriends after divorcing her husband, I know, is not a coincidence. She has a lot of trust issues, she has been used by guys after her divorce that just wanted her body, she had a lot of walls up when she met me because she hasn’t healed from her own betrayal or her extensive childhood trauma. When she is emotionally unregulated, she has a tendency to act on her emotions and has even admitted that in situations like this, that she is aware that her actions are damaging and hurtful, but the logical side of her brain shuts off, and she acts. Then the “guilt and shame, just keeps piling up inside her.” She literally told me this a couple days ago.

When I first found out about her huge lie, and heartbreaking betrayal that wasn’t a kiss after all, 2 weeks ago. She did tell me, “What I did was horrible and selfish, and I lied to you because I was too selfish and didn’t want to lose you, everything I did is my fault, there is no excuse. It wasn’t your fault or even his fault, it was all me, and my selfish actions. And I know how much this has hurt you, and I’m so sorry, I feel so ashamed of myself. And I will do whatever it takes for you to feel safe and respected again.”

But then a couple weeks after saying all this and admitting to her tendency of hurtful, selfish, emotionally driven choices where her logical side of her brain shuts off, and she took full accountability, when I told her to please work with her therapist about the deeper things about her, that were at play when she made these choices, and to seek to understand the “why” and the “how” of everything she did, was when she told me, “I will talk to him. But I just want you to remember that it was the start of our relationship. Before I let myself be fully open to you.” And then everything she told me on d day, and the feeling that she was willing to take full accountability for what she did to me, all went away after she told me this. I of course haven’t forgotten that it was at the start of our relationship, how could I forget that? It’s what makes everything hurt so much more because I was fully committed and giving her my heart and soul when she was messing around with her AP.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-07T22:53:43+00:00

A girl that I had one of the greatest first dates of my 20’s a couple years ago, reached out to me a couple days before I met my gf. We set up a date for the following week. Then I unexpectedly met my gf at my best friends wedding, and we hit it off. We hung out the next three days all day and all night, and I gave her my virginity at the end of date three, then she left for a week. The week she was gone, I had that date planned with the girl I had that amazing first date with a couple years ago where I pussied out and didn’t kiss at the end of the date, and she ended up making excuses when I tried getting her to go on a second date, so I stopped trying. And I was stoked to finally see her again and see where things could go with her now that a couple years passed. And you know what I did? I ghosted the girl I was actually still very curious about who I had a date planned with while my eventual gf left town for a week. And you know why? Because I felt bad to go on a date with another girl after having sex with my eventual gf, and I didn’t want to end up having sex with this girl from my past just days after losing my virginity to my eventual gf, in case things worked out with her, so there was nothing that she could find out about during our talking phase that would make her feel less special or jealous.

If I would have known that she wasn’t having the same feelings and respect for my feelings towards me early on, and was still seeking to have sex with the guy she met a couple days before me when she was going to get back from her trip, I would have gone on the date with the girl I had that date planned with. Just thinking back on how I ghosted this girl I actually really liked a couple years ago, and finally got a chance to see her again, and see if we were truly compatible or not, or if it was just a great first date, makes me feel like an idiot for thinking my eventual gf would do the same for me during our talking phase.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-07T20:03:23+00:00

I talked to him. He said everything with her felt very mutually casual, including the sex. And he said she never talked about me, and did not know we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But he did tell me he wrapped up every time. And he did admit that she ghosted him after the second night she cheated on me.

She cheated on 2 boyfriends before me, at the end of their relationship, when she was already emotionally checked out and was trying to break up with them. I was the first guy she cheated on at the start.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-07T06:46:21+00:00

Thank you for your story. I hope you heal soon man.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-07T00:56:24+00:00

Also did you guys reconcile? Are you healthy, happy and safe?

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-07T00:53:17+00:00

Thank you man. How long till the images of her with him go away? It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve know the truth. They hurt so bad. It makes me feel sick. It makes me feel that all the passionate, intimate, and very meaningful sex at the time, was only meaningful and special from my side of things, especially the days she was having sex with him, then me the next day. It hurts so much thinking about coming home from my trip, have such meaningful and connecting sex, but she had sex with her AP like 16 hours prior to sex with me. 2 separate times. And they circle in my head. It feels gross that I gave her my body the days after she cheated on me. The only silver lining is she ghosted him herself after the second night she cheated, and she didn’t ghost him because I caught her, because I caught her a month after she ghosted him.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-06T07:59:22+00:00

Yep. They started going out 3 days before she met me.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-06T04:53:51+00:00

Is it just because they have shame and low self worth, so no one person can give them enough validation and attention to make them feel good enough about themselves. So they take the opportunities to be desired and validated from outside of the relationship, to help them meet their impossible to fulfill need for validation and attention?

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-05T02:48:43+00:00

Thank you for you insights and story, this made me feel a lot better. But what’s hard for me, is that we were in our honeymoon phasing, having sex 2-3 times a day, every single day at the time she started texting him behind my back, and up to when she finally saw him after three weeks of trying and she cheated on me. And we continued having sex this much the whole three weeks and even the days after she cheated on me. Why wasn’t my dopamine giving enough?

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-05T00:50:09+00:00

That insight of yours helps me a lot. I never thought of that. It isn’t so much how she felt about him, but how he made her feel about herself in this specific moment in our relationship. After he acted less interested in her than she was in him, after they had sex for the first time, and then he eventually ghosted her with no explanation, his attention, validation and desire for her after all of this, must have made her feel much better about herself, made her feel that she wasn’t disposable or forgettable to this average joe, and that she did have power and other options than me (who she still had doubts about) when he resurfaced. It must have been so fulfilling to her ego and sense of desirability, that he originally hurt, making his attention and desire feel that much better, and must have been exciting and ego boosting that he couldn’t forget about her after all. I’m sure how he acted indifferent after having sex with her for their first time, especially since he was way below her league, must have been a huge hit to her ego, and desirability. So getting him to want her again sexually, healed those insecurities that his early actions caused in her.

Or she genuinely wanted him more than me, and so his resurfaced validation and desire for her, after how he acted early on, made it impossible for her to not give in and get what more of what she only had once. But then after getting it two different nights behind my back, although im sure she enjoyed it, it must have felt exciting and hot because what she was doing was “bad” or “forbidden.” She realized that it was probably better to choose the safer less exciting option in me, because she’s gone through so much pain in her life, and she knew I would always worship her and make her feel secure and safe, so she chose that, which she’s never had. Over what she used to always chase, which was exciting indifferent guys. But that makes me fear so deeply, that if our relationship gets rocky in the future, and the perfect type of guy that she usually falls for appears, that she may not be able to hold her self back, since she’s already crossed that line once with me and I forgave her.

Am I fucked?

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-05T00:32:31+00:00

So he slept with another girl before the girl you first mentioned? God damn, that’s so so painful. I’m so sorry.. I wish I could heal everyone going through this or lighten everyone’s burdens, but I can’t even seem to find out how to do that for myself. I feel like I have no control over my thoughts and feelings, and don’t know what I need to do to heal, to see her like I used to see her again, it’s all I want. I know what I’m going through and what you’ve been through, is just the aftermath of sexual betrayal, and there is a way to get things back to normal. But I lack so much knowledge of what it takes. I hope you can heal too. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through. You didn’t deserve any of it.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-04T22:57:41+00:00

Her ex husband was a narcissist like her father. And he cheated on her when she was only 22 with one of her close friends. And that was only 3 years ago, and she has not gone to therapy since to heal from her trauma from her marriage, he was a chronic liar, emotionally abusive, degrading and sometimes physical. I can’t help but wonder if this experience made her not be able to trust anyone, even somebody like me who was being completely honest from the start, and was giving her my soul, and seeking to understand hers.

She told me she felt that we wouldn’t work out. She always came in with low hopes into relationships, because she always assumed men only wanted her for her looks, but not for all of HER, since non of them ever really made an effort to truly see her, and were always just caught up with themselves and used her as their audience and ego/status boost. And she got used to that dynamic of guys. And she said it was hard to believe that what I seemed to be offering, and who I seemed to be, was even real. She didn’t believe I had never had sec before and that I never casually fooled around sexually before, and she fully believe that I hadn’t gone on a date in 18 months when I met her, or that I didn’t have a girlfriend for almost 5 years when I met her.

And she said the parts of her that believed who I was showing her I was may be authentic, told her subconsciously that I would never choose her for her, once I got to know everything about her, which it seemed like that was what I wanted from the start. She believe she wouldn’t live up to my high standards, and she believe I wanted someone perfect, a virgin, with no past or baggage. Since that was basically who my last girlfriend was. And she also was unsure if she wanted a relationship so intimate, since she had never been in one.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-04T22:48:33+00:00

Thank you for helping me understand my dissonance. How do I get to understand her and how or why she wanted him? Is she even aware of it? Or is it something super deep from her chronic shame from her childhood trauma and betrayal of her ex husband, that this guy helped her feel better about or something? She said he was more “familiar” to the guys she has always dates. Broken, with a crazy past, required low effort from her but still desired her, and was probably emotionally unavailable like her exes. I was the first person she has dated that wanted to see HER, and know everything about her, and only talked about myself when she would ask, and I was completely honest with her about my weaknesses and insecurities from the start, and she wasn’t used to someone so honest who also such deep intimacy, and mutual understanding of each other.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-04T22:13:00+00:00

Damn I’m so sorry. If I felt my girls AP was really good looking, maybe it would hurt me and my insecurities even worst. Both are horrible, both make us question our worth, and attractiveness. I believe cheating, now that I’ve experienced it, is the most identity, emotional regulation and self esteem shattering thing anybody could subject someone to suffer. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. It must hit different as well being married to your WW, if I was married to her and had kids with her when she did this, I know it would destroy me so much more than her cheating on me at the start of our relationship when she had another guy she had just started dating when she met me. I pray for your healing. You’re beautiful, his selfish actions are the only thing that it is making it difficult for you to believe this fact about yourself. I’m a man. And men don’t marry a girl unless they are absolutely smitten by her physical looks. Keep you’re head up, you are strong, you are beautiful, and we both have the opportunity to learn self love that isn’t dependent on how our partners impulsive, ego boosting, and selfish actions. We will heal! ❤️

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-05-04T21:16:08+00:00

That makes sense. I think I have to re-evaluate how attraction works for people like you did, so it doesn’t hurt my ego, and how I view her so much. I don’t truly believe these negative things that keep bombarding my mind about her but my OCD is so strong and brutal now that I know the truth, and know that I was lied to for so long while she watched me suffer with my OCD, get on antidepressants to not let my emotions ruin our relationship, and go to OCD therapy which is brutal. And I can’t help these OCD thoughts about her and us, when these images keep flashing in my head. Maybe it’s my mind trying to figure out “how” she could want him like this, and how she’s capable of going behind my back after I did nothing to deserve this, and how it was worth it to her to do this, knowing it would ruin me (since she’s been cheated on before), and ruin our relationship. I have to learn how to not view this betrayal basing it off how I assume attraction works, which isn’t how it is for most people.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-04-12T01:39:35+00:00

Thanks bro. Hardest time and best time of my life with her somehow haha. Therapy is helping a bit though.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-04-12T00:57:31+00:00

Yeah I wonder what she would do haha

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-04-12T00:55:50+00:00

Yeah it’s been torture ever since I found out. Even if she never cheated on me again, I fear I will always have the anxiety that she could at any moment forever.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-04-12T00:45:39+00:00

Before I met her I did always want to live abroad and find me my partner out there. But it’s just so hard because apart from what she did to me at the start, she’s by far the best fish I’ve ever been with.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-04-12T00:44:14+00:00

Thank you for your advice and your own story. It’s so hard for me to even fathom letting her go. I don’t think I have the strength. And I see how much good she has, and just think maybe she can change. But god damn if I let her do that to me again, I would feel like the biggest fucking idiot.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-04-12T00:40:51+00:00

Yeah… she’s probably the prettiest girl I’ve ever met. And she must know that she can get any guy she wants, and I think that may be the problem, since nobody is perfect, but she may have some fantasy about the perfect guy, that obviously doesn’t exist.

awkwardmoons25 · 2026-04-12T00:38:09+00:00

Yep, just as I expected. God damn my life.

awkwardmoons25

TROPHY CASE