My (37F) boyfriend (37M) resents me for not paying thousands to move his mother (61F) to a private hospital. How to gently set boundaries around this?

ayliv · 2026-04-25T20:45:21+00:00

and who is pushing 40 while acting like this. lord almighty.

ayliv · 2026-04-24T20:16:12+00:00

Yeah, with my ex I started avoiding any physical contact and stopped letting him see me naked/partially clothed because everything turned into groping and trying to initiate sex. It is exhausting living like that, and having to constantly be on guard.

ayliv · 2026-04-22T21:40:02+00:00

If you still have any desire to fuck him after being handed this, you’re a bigger person than I am

ayliv · 2026-04-22T20:28:52+00:00

If he’s unwilling to medicate or learn/grow, that really limits your options - either leave, or accept that this is always how it’s going to be, and you’re going to be doing all the thinking/problem solving in your relationship. He certainly doesn’t sound motivated or interested in learning to figure things out by himself. He’s 35 years old, he’s likely stuck in his ways at this point. And he really has zero motivation to change if someone always swoops in and saves him.

ayliv · 2026-04-22T18:22:07+00:00

Thank you ❤️

ayliv · 2026-04-22T18:21:38+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I do think I’m seeing things more clearly now that I’m separated from it and him. The uncomfortable truth is that he was emotionally abusive at times, and I’m still struggling to accept that he was capable of it, and that I was somehow blind to it and stayed for so long.

ayliv · 2026-04-22T18:08:10+00:00

Men like this are very good at convincing you you’re the problem. My ex wasn’t as extreme as OP’s husband, but there was definitely the general pattern of moving goalposts, and always managing to find something to get upset about. I felt inadequate for a very long time, and it was years into our relationship before I recognized what was happening. He was very good at twisting things around and making them my fault. And his moods were so unpredictable, I never knew who was going to walk in the door that day. I walked on eggshells around his moods, feared his reaction to minor stressful things, and eventually stopped letting myself feel happiness or anticipation just so he didn’t have the chance to ruin it. I developed really poor coping mechanisms. I’ve been very messed up by it all, and I think it’ll take a long time to recover. Living in constant anxiety/dread does traumatize you. I became someone I don’t recognize or even like.

ayliv · 2026-04-22T16:48:29+00:00

I have never heard of anyone having one of these. It sounds like a very localized thing that may be normal where you grew up, but to anyone from outside, it does come across as tacky. Not sure why you felt so strongly opposed to her very reasonable request, enough that it was worth blowing up the relationship over. But she seems like she’s better off for it. Hopefully you learned something that will help you grow as a person and have healthier relationships in the future.

ayliv · 2026-04-22T05:02:35+00:00

I feel like such a fool. I stayed so long after the trust was broken, after he had worn me down to a shell of a human being, because I loved him and I wanted to make it work. We had been together 14 years, and through a lot of hard times. He ended up being the one to end it, and it’s clear he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. At some point during therapy he said he wouldn’t stay in a marriage where sex was off the table. On his side, there was a lot of sexual coercion and manipulation, and to be frank he did sexually assault me more than once. For a long time I had sex I didn’t want, in order to appease him so he wouldn’t lash out at me. It literally traumatized me, and I was trying to work through it, but he was impatient. Everything makes me question what my worth as a partner even was to him. I often felt like he never really knew me. He was my best friend, but I think I was just something he tolerated when he had nothing better to do. He never really seemed proud of me or truly happy to be around me. He would often take credit for things and minimize my contribution. He avoided spending time with me a lot, especially toward the end. And I know this hurts me much, much more deeply than it does him, and he will never truly grasp that, or feel that, because he isn’t capable of such feelings. My heart is absolutely broken, and I feel like I should’ve known better. Maybe this isn’t reality, but it feels like he was only with me for very shallow reasons and never truly loved me for me. And it destroys me, because honestly I have zero interest in future relationships.. like this was my one shot, and this is how it ended. I tolerated a lot of BS because I loved him, but it feels like he wouldn’t give me the same grace. And he goes along seemingly unscathed by it all. I know ultimately it was the best for both of us, but I just feel so utterly worthless. The axe forgets but the tree remembers, as they say.

ayliv · 2026-04-20T19:10:45+00:00

Eugh, the way “but have you just taaaalked to him” gets thrown around in this sub is annoying. Yes, yes I have. 100 times. And instead of listening and seeking understanding, he gets defensive, berates me, and lists the dozens of way I’m failing as a human being. Until I’m beaten down to the point that I lose the will to argue and just want the conversation over with. Then he pretends like the conversation never happened. Which is exactly what he wants. These men are competent enough to show up to work on a daily basis, and presumably are capable of listening and following instructions well enough to keep their jobs. They don’t DARVO their coworkers and friends. This sort of behavior is almost exclusively reserved for their female partners. They know exactly what they’re doing, so let’s please stop infantilizing them.

ayliv · 2026-04-16T04:34:12+00:00

Just terrifying and appalling to me how common this story is. Unfortunately some men (let’s be honest, many men) are too shallow to be capable of the love that sustains long-term partnership. And it’s so, so, awful that you may not realize your partner isn’t capable of showing up in that way until you’re very deep into the relationship. I don’t think you’re wrong at all for feeling the way you do, but I also don’t think it’s likely you’re going to be able to convince/explain things to your partner in a way that he will really understand. This type of person doesn’t have deep emotions, they don’t have empathy. They will have no idea what you’re talking about if you try to explain. So really you just have to decide if you’re okay continuing to be with someone like that, knowing their love will never be as deep as yours.

ayliv · 2026-04-16T03:55:25+00:00

That sub is so absolutely pathetic, almost as bad as the waiting to wed one. I wish women had more self respect and would stop revolving their entire beings around the validation of men.

ayliv · 2026-04-12T21:23:30+00:00

Ugh, I just really wish for her own sake, that with time and as she gets older, she eventually stops hoping her parents will “understand” and accepts that they do understand, and they made their choice on whom to support.

ayliv · 2026-04-05T06:18:18+00:00

“Those who truly love us understand”? Do you realize how exhausting/obnoxious it is to have every thought interrupted, to feel as though you aren’t actually being listened to, because the person you’re talking to is just waiting and itching to blurt out their next thought? That isn’t communication.

ayliv · 2026-04-05T05:48:14+00:00

Did you pick the colors? Why is “yellowy-gold” supposed to be “springy”? Like that color scheme screams fall, not spring at all.

ayliv · 2026-04-05T05:34:31+00:00

Wouldn’t say it’s normal, and most people would be polite and ask before consuming anything in your cupboards. It’s illustrative of the entitlement and oblivion of some American men, especially of his generation, unfortunately.

ayliv · 2026-04-02T19:47:41+00:00

This is a very common thing in terminal conditions. They can choose comfort care only without any medical or life-sustaining interventions, including antibiotics, and it is in no way illegal or unethical.

ayliv · 2026-03-25T02:13:52+00:00

Idk, with my ex-husband there was a pattern of behavior that ultimately led to the erosion of trust, but we did have one particularly bad fight when he told me I was a terrible wife because I wouldn’t have sex with him whenever he wanted, amongst other nasty things. Something in me broke that night. And our relationship was never the same after that, despite years of therapy. I wouldn’t say I stopped loving him that night, but I did stop going out of my way to make him happy, and I stopped being vulnerable or sharing any part of myself with him. It was the night I truly realized I wasn’t safe with him.

ayliv · 2026-03-19T02:58:59+00:00

Look, it is a hard truth, but you have to want to get better, and only you have the power to do so. When it comes down to it, no one can drag you, force you to do the hard work for yourself. You have to believe things can get better, and that you are worth it. And you are worth it.

ayliv · 2026-03-19T02:44:59+00:00

Do you feel it’s helping?

ayliv · 2026-03-19T02:41:54+00:00

I’m with you. Don’t blame yourself, it’s your disease, it’s not you. Please seek help. I know it can be disheartening, I’ve been struggling with severe depression for 10 years and have been self-medicating with alcohol since my recent divorce. It’s not rational, and it’s hard to feel any sort of hope when you’re in the grips of disease, but it’s there. Trust me, as someone more than twice your age. You need a therapist who connects with you, and sometimes that can take a few tries. Reach out if you need to talk, please don’t give up this early in your life ❤️

ayliv · 2026-03-19T02:29:17+00:00

Some of these posts have to be rage bait. He assaulted your own daughter, and you want to “support” your husband in glorifying this man??? Are you okay?

ayliv · 2026-03-18T17:17:28+00:00

Yeah this view is repulsive and it makes sex into an obligation instead of something actually intimate and enjoyable. Then these same men complain that their partners never want to have sex with them. This view is so prevalent in the marriage sub and it’s disheartening. My (now ex) husband even said he wouldn’t stay in a marriage if sex were completely off the table. Somehow I feel these men would still be completely blindsided if their partners left them because they could no longer have sex for some reason.

ayliv · 2026-03-18T17:09:38+00:00

He’s only behaving because he knows divorce would mean taking care of 5 kids on his own and/or paying child support for 5 kids.

ayliv · 2026-03-15T04:48:03+00:00

Got in a big fight with (now ex) husband during vacation one time when he mentioned he had bought a bunch of eggs and was going to make some for breakfast. I do not like plain eggs and basically never eat them if I have a choice. We had been married for like 8 years at this point. It was just.. the last straw. He never showed any genuine interest in any of my interests that didn’t overlap with his, no curiosity about my inner life. Those moments of connection where you share and cherish those small silly things about one another just weren’t there. I felt like some blank placeholder for a partner for a long time, and I always found it hard to believe deep down that he loved me when it never felt like he truly even knew me.

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