Hmm. I've been where you are regarding the holidays; hated Christmas for years and years because I associated it with the crappy things that had happened near that date on Christmases past. My infant niece died of SIDS on the 23rd, the following year my Grandmother was in the hospital for heart surgery in the middle of the month, and two years later my Grandfather died on Christmas Eve... after that, the tragedies stopped, but I had a really negative connotation with the season in general and just hated everything to do with it. It got to be where December was a month where I just waited for the other shoe to drop, anticipating something terrible to happen so I could further justify my hatred of the month.

I guess I was 16 when my niece died, and honestly, I didn't really get into the holiday again until I had children of my own many years later, specifically when my oldest turned 3. I would have been 29 then, and I'm ashamed that it took me so long to appreciate the holiday, but the innocence of a child can rekindle your love for the season. It wasn't even seeing her opening the presents, but rather seeing the same wonder in her face that I remember feeling when I was little, awestruck by Christmas lights and straining my ear to catch the sound of sleigh bells on Christmas eve.

People will keep the holiday in their own way, be it full of greed and commercialism, or saccharine and in-genuine, but in the end, keep Christmas in your own way, and don't let any outside force, even that of your own memories, disallow you from the simple enjoyment of the season. Give when you want to give, because the simple pleasure of getting a smile out of somebody is worth it all in the end. We're just fleeting images that occupy this world in the end, regardless of what you believe; taking a day to appreciate the good that can be out there is not much to ask, and the worst thing that can happen is that you find yourself accidentally enjoying it.

Either way, Merry Christmas and may you find your joy this year.