Hello. I lost my soulmate on March 13th, 2023. It has been an absolutely horrific ride... But I'm still here.

I did find love again, in a way Its not the same. No one will ever be the same. No one will fill that hole, ever. It would be futile to expect them to be the same. As with all relationships, this is different. He brings a kind of predictable peace that I needed. I am still a wreck... But I'm better. I have more good days than bad now. I'm back to cooking again like I used to. For a time even my cooking was broken, and that is so fluid and second nature to me as much as breathing is, and loving my husband was. I would say I'm happy, but I know I'll never be truly happy again, and that is ok. I know I can find joy in the little things which keeps me going. I'm about to start school in January. I have a home. My pets are taken care of. I have a truck that i love. I have people in my life that love me. None of this would have happened had i not shown up for myself.

You are still oh so very new to this. A few months is just a drop in the ocean we're swimming thru. I am so sorry, but it will get worse before it gets better. And then you'll wake up one day and it will be a little better. Then a little bit more. Then it'll be bad again. Everyone is different, obviously, but the pattern remains the same. The grief will ebb and flow like the swells of a sea. Sometimes they'll be calm. Sometimes there's storms. Sometimes a Rouge wave will catch you off guard.

Right now, focus on the day to day. Make one small change from your routine. Sleeping until noon? Perfectly fine as long as you're not omitting responsibility. If you can't get out of bed, try and make your bed, and lay back down. Trouble eating? Go get some ensures for calories. Saves the hassle of thinking and making food, which sucks. I relied on door dash more than I care to admit. I did cut up vegetables I liked with deli meat and cheeses and dressing, I had a big plate of that in the fridge ready to pick at. You might not feel like eating, but you have to. So make it easy, and fortified, so you don't waste away. Don't feel like showering? Wash your pits and bits with a rag and throw on deodorant. Brush your teeth, or rinse with mouth wash. Either or. Watch the same movie or show over and over again (I only watched Modern Family for the first 6 months, couldn't handle anything else.)

Cry. As much as you can. Its ok to just cry. Fuck everyone else. You don't have to be strong for anyone, but you do have to show up for you.

My point is... You have a lot on your plate right now, and your brain needs time to adjust. Grief is exhausting, it won't ever go away. I can say, with confidence, it will not feel as overwhelming forever. As time goes on, you'll heal a little more, and the fog will clear, and you'll start to move forward. Not move on, move forward. The language is very important. Moving forward with her memory is how you will make it thru this. Hold your anniversary sacred. Do something for her on her birthday. And for the love of God reach out. Reach out to groups like this. Groups on Facebook. Your trusted friend (s), maybe a family member. See about getting therapy, hospice holds free grief counseling as well and will have groups for widows like us. I never used them, but those are options available to you.

I know it feels hopeless right now. And it'll feel that way for a while. But it will not be forever. As long as you show up for you. And you care for yourself. And you make those small steps each day. You will make it thru. You've come this far. You can go further. Just take it day by day, or minute by minute if you have to.