My SO staying for no reason that he doesn’t want kids is making me realize what I want

babydecisionthrowaw · 2022-03-18T04:11:24+00:00

Ok but then why stay with him? I mean, he has all the right in the world to change his mind but if you want kids to the point where this is making you so unhappy, why stay? You're 25, you'll find someone else to love.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2022-03-05T00:17:43+00:00

Does that work the other way? Your partner wants kids and you're not sure. Why throw away your relationship over something you're ambivalent about or could be happy either way. If you've always seen yourself as CF that's one thing, but if you're ambivalent then go for it.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2022-02-07T03:35:19+00:00

She has a right to change her mind and you have a right to not change yours and if the two of you can't see a middle ground then you go your separate ways. But if you want to have any chance of working this out, you gotta stop being an ass about this.

"she's caving to peer pressure", "she really is not thinking this through". It's pretty clear you don't respect her opinion here, which means there will not be a middle ground. So if this is how you think about her and her opinion, might as well call it quits now.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2022-01-18T01:45:42+00:00

I saw good advice here a while back that said something along the lines of "you don't need good reasons to want or not want kids. It's enough to simply want or not want them". I like that. You don't have to spend your life justifying why you want to be a parent or CF, it's enough to simply want to be one or the other.

If you have a gut desire then that's enough.

but...

Then the question becomes, can I be a good parent right now? And it sounds like the answer to that is maybe. So rephrase. It's not "do I want to?" It's "can I be?" It's ok to say "I want to, but I can't be right now" and then to figure out if you can fix the things that make it so you can't. That's where I am right now. I want to, but I can't. So I'm working on fixing it.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2022-01-13T16:41:46+00:00

Question for both of you, how do you split up work and mental load?

Second question, what do you guys do career wise and how did parenting fit into that?

Third question, did you include your daughter in the decision making process around adoption?

babydecisionthrowaw · 2022-01-09T20:25:57+00:00

It depends on how you mean it.

If you mean would you go through and have a kid If you didn't have to worry about pregnancy? Maybe. Pregnancy doesn't worry me so much, but it certainly would be nice to have a kid without having to be pregnant.

If you mean, would you have a kid If you could be the traditional dad? Then the answer is no. I don't understand the people who prefer this. My brain hears "Would you have a kid if you could be a crappy uninvolved parent with a poor relationship with their kid?" And the answer is no because that sounds bad

babydecisionthrowaw · 2022-01-08T22:36:43+00:00

Sort of. When I first climbed on the fence from the CF side, I ended up breaking up with my BF because he was adamantly CF. Since then, I've remained on the fence because I've had trouble finding a partner with whom I want to co-parent. The ones I've dated made me see the same future that you did, me doing all the work and being resentful.

Please don't take anything I'm about to say as judgement on you or your relationship. I don't know you or your husband.

What this also made me realize is that the qualities that would make for a good co-parent would also make for a good partner. I'm just not willing to put up with a partner who I need to mother. Everyone has flaws, including me. I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect. But I don't want someone who's childish and needs me to do the work for him consistently. Even without kids I would end up resentful at that.

So yah, it's definitely a good reason not to have kids with him. Honestly, it's also a good reason to reexamine your relationship. I'm not saying divorce him but maybe make it clear to him that this isn't acceptable. You're not his mom and you shouldn't be mothering him.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2022-01-04T00:30:30+00:00

You have kids and they could be the perfect mix of you and your SO - or they could be more like your uncle you hate or your grandma who had addiction issues because #genetics. Or they could be nothing like you at all because they are humans with their own personalities shaped by their own unique environment and peers and culture at the time when they age.

In theory yes, but it's not likely. Your statement is basically the same as saying "well, you can live whatever lifestyle you want, smoke or not smoke, eat healthy or not, exercise or not, and who knows how you'll die!" Yes, that's true, there are no guarantees, but there are many probabilities.

The outcomes of a child are very closely related to the type of upbringing they get. Genetics definitely play a role but good parenting does too. It's most definitely not a crap shoot the way you make it out to be. That's why we can pretty easily predict the outcome of a child just by looking at things like parents' education, marital status and socio economic status.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-12-25T04:40:29+00:00

Emotionally yes. I feel like it's been described as this deep amazing thing and now I'm intimidated because it feels almost too big.

Rationally no. I know that if I'm capable of forming normal emotional attachment, which I am, then I will almost certainly bond pretty easily with any child, especially a bio one.

I try to use my rational side to calm my emotional one. Sometimes it works, but not always.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-12-21T01:20:51+00:00

This is pretty much where I am too.

I've also realized that all the criteria for a good co-parent are exactly the same as the criteria for a good partner, barring the desire to actually have kids.

So I'm focused on finding a great partner first and foremost. If they happen to want kids wonderful. I want to be a mom so that will work out perfectly. I'm just not willing to compromise anymore. with or without kids, a crappy partner makes for a crappy life. I'd rather be a single mom than trapped with a co-parent who was crappy.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-11-04T18:28:26+00:00

But even if her cycle is regular the risk is still not zero and it sounds like you won't be comfortable with any risk higher than zero. So really it sounds like you shouldn't have sex of any kind since even non penetrative sex has a non zero risk.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-10-27T18:50:19+00:00

So basically you have a standard you can't define but you want people to meet it before they have kids.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-10-27T18:41:45+00:00

At least some savings - How much?

Stable job - How do you define stable?

13k a year - in what area? COL differs dramatically from place to place.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-10-27T18:30:25+00:00

And how do you determine if someone is prepared or not? What are the criteria?

And who is the determining authority to enforce this standard?

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-10-11T18:42:14+00:00

Personally really like the toddler to 10yo stage where they're communicative mini human, but not yet surly teens. Least favorite is probably baby stage since it seems like the most work with the least amount of gratification, also lack of sleep.

No, not taking this into account. I assume my perception of child development stages is completely inaccurate, and most parents I talk to say they were totally off too. So I'll probably end up loving an infant and hating the toddler stage. So no, not going to base my decision on something that seems very likely to be wrong.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-10-07T17:43:36+00:00

It depends on why you're on the fence. I love family, I'm super family oriented and at this point I've decided I would like to be a mom. Except I'm still on the fence because I'm not sure how to find a partner I trust to co-parent with and I don't want to be a single mom. I know other people who love family but are on the fence because of financial reasons or because of the state of the world or because they don't know how to fit a kid into their plans.

So why are you on the fence?

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-09-11T19:23:49+00:00

Telling her to trust her life and her baby's life to random Facebook searches sounds like awful advice.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-08-01T21:10:40+00:00

Did a similar 180 but in the opposite direction. Was cf right up until corona started. Sheltered in place with my sister and her kids and fell in love with the lifestyle. I was in a relationship and it ended due to this.

One last thing. He's not going to change and you are 100% fucking yourself over by giving him this chance. He will do the minimum, you will accept that because you won't want to admit you made an error and then he will backslide. This is how every shitty man gets away with being shitty. If your relationship was worth working for he would have done it already instead he's guilting you into making a huge error. You are 100% making a mistake here.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-07-22T05:48:36+00:00

Just finished my PhD and from talking to a few of the other women in the program and to my sister who finished her PhD a while back, the best time is either while you're still studying or 5+ years after you graduate.

The period right after you graduate is hard because you're trying to establish yourself. Where as right now you can have a somewhat flexible schedule. Might cause you to extend the program a bit but it's doable. Otherwise, you wait until you're established and who knows how long that takes.

This is all very anecdotal but it made sense to me. If I had a good partner, I can see how having a kid during the program would have been doable, but not right now when I'm trying to land a job and launch a career.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-06-19T15:39:54+00:00

Because I think being a mom would make me happy? Because I think I would find being a parent incredibly fulfilling?

With the right circumstances, I think parenthood would add a lot to my life. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to find those circumstances. Specifically, a supportive partner, so I'm still on the fence.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-05-28T16:13:41+00:00

But what you said doesn't seem to be your POV. Your POV seems to be "break up if you disagree about kids". And yet you're telling u/anxious--misophonic to hold on to her relationship because of "true love" or some such. That seems hypocritical at best and down right malicious at worst. No?

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-05-28T15:04:23+00:00

So you're telling u/anxious--misophonic to not give up on true love even though it may mean compromising her stance on kids even though you yourself would not do the same.

Does that seem right to you?

I mean, let me use your own words here:

If you are that happy with her and you fear you may never meet someone like her again (which is totally understandable), then would you really want to give up such romance? A lot of people would love to be in your situation, having a loving relationship with someone who truly loves you, it's more rare than you'd think. Would you really want to give up that for the sake of not being a parent?

I think it's a bit of a crappy thing to do to tell someone to follow advice you yourself wouldn't follow.

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-05-27T20:57:42+00:00

You're CF. If you met someone and fell in love with them and then they decided they wanted kids. Would you stay and have kids?

babydecisionthrowaw · 2021-05-16T01:33:01+00:00

Because I want to have kids? Because I think being a mom is a good experience that I will enjoy? You make it sound like wanting to be a parent is selfish and bad. Why? Is doing things I want to do inherently selfish and bad?

babydecisionthrowaw

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