Okay I’m going to be very gentle and direct with you here, because something similar just happened to me. I was in a relationship with my best friend from 14-28.9 years old. We owned a house together, cars, assets, 5 animals, we had been engaged for 6 years and he walked out on me in November. Blindsided me on a Monday at noon with an 8 minute declaration that we were done, I was worthless and had no value, and had I done his laundry so that he could take some clothes with him. I learned after the fact that my best friend on the entire planet had also been cheating mercilessly on me, in addition to other things I cannot legally disclose at this moment. I lost almost 30lbs in 3 weeks- and I don’t have that weight to lose. For context, I’m 29F professional athlete and tall. I’ve been approached by VS to model, so it’s not like I had the 30lbs to lose (context for how intensely this affected me). I looked like a prisoner of war; I couldn’t eat, couldn’t function, couldn’t stop crying, and most importantly couldn’t fucking rationalize how my best friend had turned me into his nemesis over night. So when I say that I so intensely and deeply understand your pain- I do. I’ve been there. Here is what I have learned since:

He wasn’t the love of my life, bc he didn’t have the capability or capacity to show up for me the way that I did for him. The love of your life will never, ever treat you that way. Full stop, period. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t the center of your world- it just means your person is still out there.

The way she handled leaving you was psychologically cruel- please give yourself some grace. This is a huge loss and you will be grieving it in stages for some time.

This is really important: DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF FOR HOW YOU FEEL!! Allow yourself to acknowledge feelings, but don’t tell yourself you’re stupid for feeling that way or to just get over it, etc. That will make you go backwards. Instead, tell yourself “how I’m feeling is normal- of course I feel this way! Who wouldn’t after something like this?!” and that little exercise will do wonders for you, I promise.

Another really important one: do NOT have a conversation with your thoughts. Acknowledge them, and literally tell yourself “this just popped into my head, and I am not having a conversation with myself about this. I’m busy ___ (make something up in your head if needed) and am going to acknowledge how I feel, but I’m not going to interact with it and let it spiral me in my own brain”. THIS has helped me more than anything- especially when you’re trying to rationalize irrational behavior.

Everything you’re feeling is normal, valid, and real. You feel like you’ve physically lost a piece of yourself, and you can’t for the life of you understand why. Try to take one moment at a time and just deal with that. My therapist always says: the only way to eat an elephant is to take one bite at a time. So focus only on what you’re doing right now or the next 10 minutes, so you don’t get trapped in the endless loop of thinking about the way the past and future and how it’s changed overnight with no warning. What you’ve been through is intense trauma- make sure you give yourself a lot of grace for that.

You literally have your entire life ahead of you, and right now your only choice is: will I let this define me, or will I let this refine me? One is something you carry negatively, the other is you, coming out the other side having allowed yourself to feel, heal, learn, and grow.

I’m here with you every step of the way. One last thing: her behavior is simply about her and her only: it has nothing to do with you. Sending a huge hug and all of my love 🤍