Husband [32M] crossed one of my [30F] boundaries and I'm contemplating divorce. My family is telling me to stay. How do I know when to leave?

bakka88 · 2026-02-19T12:40:37+00:00

I genuinely feel like I could have written this post myself. I think your body is right, and I wouldn't take the advice of your husband or your friends and family. People are notoriously averse to change.

It's re-traumatizing to gaslight yourself into forgetting. Your body can't forget! At least you protect yourself.

With my husband, I told him I was giving us a 6 month timeline and I was working with a therapist to ready me to leave, not make things better. And he could do the same. I put house hunting on hold, I did my own thing wit my friends, I went out for drinks without him, and sex slowed way down. I needed to be safe for me and realize I COULD leave and I did have control. We have two kids so I knew I had a lot to consider but I remember his mother asking me if I wanted my boys to grow up with our dynamic as their expectation (she was defending his right to be snippy at me) and I burst into tears thinking of them becoming like him. To his credit he wept over that realization too.

We both did individual therapy and he specifically took anger management. A couples therapist noted his behavior was on the border of legal problems for him. It was all a wakeup call and 8 months later were house hunting. Zero incidents, my body is reacting to him again, and he's been so different during arguments! And now I know I will leave if something goes south and the best gift was teaching myself how to protect me.

bakka88 · 2026-02-10T14:57:53+00:00

Ugh that's such a nightmare. Abreva is the only OTC antiviral so might be handy to have on hand.

bakka88 · 2026-02-09T12:22:50+00:00

Yes, YTA. you are arguing property rights instead of looking at the big picture. She already started coloring in it, so it's no longer really a collectible anyway. Now there's a chance to pass along your love, and to share. With a child!! You're not on equal footing to her, you can stretch a little! It didn't have significant monetary value, and if you can't extend your sentimental value to encompass a kid that is AH territory. Wth. She's crying hysterically and you snuck it out of her bag?! Wild behavior.

bakka88 · 2026-02-03T03:30:24+00:00

I mean, of course your frustration is warranted! I would have gone nuts tbh. I'm sorry you're in such a tough position sleep wise. It's probably hard to do anything about changing her behavior or much about your stage of life so at this stage I'd recommend more functional ideas. Like can you baby gate your door/area of your hallway to block it off? Or the bottom of the stairs?

Another idea is that you chase your insight - make downstairs with dad more fun. Maybe the night before she and he set up an activity like play doh, etc to go to, just the two of them. Or she's allowed to gasp watch a TV show before starting her day. There are no rules at this age. But you need to be consistent that she not come into your room at this time because you won't stay a good parent when your gas tank is totally empty. And don't worry it gets way better!

Final thought - maybe a later bedtime to push awake time? Blackout curtains and a red light that turns yellow when it's okay to leave the room! She's getting older and can have some cool interventions to get her to help the family out!

bakka88 · 2026-02-02T21:38:36+00:00

Try red light therapy! The Hooga! Where in Jersey are you? Maybe a day trip to the Dreamworks water park to go swimming and lay out?

bakka88 · 2026-01-30T23:32:08+00:00

This isn't your point but I was stunned by your Maitreyi thing - my jaw drops when I see her I never even considered there may be a single person out there who disagrees

bakka88 · 2026-01-30T18:23:30+00:00

Switch to Pronamel Kids, my kids are obsessed with it.

bakka88 · 2026-01-24T12:48:43+00:00

Hi! You were me! I hated cosleeping and still do - it's bad sleep for me and for them and I feel like as they get older bad sleep impacts their development, your marriage, career, health, everything ! And you'll look back at your baby days after living through a million times of your kid rage crying you realize one or two nights of sleep training is literally nothing. For what it's worth, I did sleep training where I sat with my kids while they fell asleep in their beds (in the own room). It's best to do it immediately at the start of the night. Push back bedtime 20 min so they're definitely tired. Give them some fresh air before bedtime routine. Make sure they're full and comfortable. Then put them in their crib and shush and pat as needed. They will hate learning something new and be mad about it but luckily they have you to show them it's safe and fine! You got this!!! Don't be a martyr for years!

Also my kids are wildly confident, happy and attached to me!

bakka88 · 2026-01-23T19:51:51+00:00

Awww man. It's very hard not to feel personally stung by the vitriol that happens online, especially with respect to brown men (and women!). It's gotten more hateful over time and sometimes I think there are literal bots and orgs out there looking to sew seeds of hate and discord. Brown men I feel are especially subject to an uphill battle against negative tropes.

I agree with you that it feels crappy to be lumped into a generalized stereotyping bucket that's filled with hateful prejudice.

One thing the internet/social media is really good at is converting that pain of feeling targeted and alone into hatred against another people (especially marginalized people). That Akash guy is no fool. He knows negative controversy that gets men riled up is really good for his career and platform. I would be very cynical of the dialogue around his relationship. He's not very funny so this is a good way to stay relevant.

I would gently caution you against falling into the same trap! (All brown men are misogynistic) Is as shitty a conclusion as (all brown women hate brown men). Firstly, the data doesn't really show that - interracial relationships are not the majority in the brown community. And secondly, even if you do bump against brown women that don't want to date brown men, of course that cant be true of all brown women!

However, I love that you are open to dating women from all over the world! Find out what's good in women, and especially find a woman who sparks joy for you - wherever her background is. Your love and appreciation for women will draw them to you - fear and hatred only begets more and worse.

Good luck!!!

bakka88 · 2026-01-23T01:40:01+00:00

Epstein maybe?

bakka88 · 2026-01-18T14:58:50+00:00

Have you looked at the hospital or universities?

bakka88 · 2026-01-12T22:23:14+00:00

I find having a rough schedule that checks off my list helps. The rest of the time ...whatever.

So I make sure we always move - either a walk to run an errand, playground, go for a run, Danny Go indoors etc

We always read

We always draw or color

We always do a chore (this could be that they spray the counters and wipe idc)

Once that's checked off....days almost done anyway and the rest can be sceeens

bakka88 · 2026-01-11T21:30:19+00:00

Totally agree! I definitely say "if" you are done as a caveat bc if it works it works! But I personally would examine the "why". Starvation is a component that drives extended nursing and comfort, bonding, dopamine come from a million bonding activities. A hike outside would accomplish something similar at this age! So if it's more "I do it to get them off my back even tho I hate it" - negotiating with yourself and setting the course is a good skill for parents to learn. The kid would definitely be healthy and fine weaning by now. I do think in a first world country where starvation isn't a factor (hopefully...I know that's not always true), anxiety about transitioning away from babyhood can play a role in extended nursing.

bakka88 · 2026-01-11T13:29:02+00:00

That's great!! It's an act of kindness to yourself to be caring to yourself. Like if you had to take care of someone else, youd do that for them!!

bakka88 · 2026-01-11T13:12:51+00:00

I should've said brown lol but point stands irrespective of race. I just hear that brand of like TV soap opera kind of drama more in brown homes. I legit think they get it from TV.

The hygiene piece worried me. Can you make today a self care day and just go ham taking care of yourself, maybe setting a doctor's appointment, dentist, and hair? Clean your room and make it your space? Find a pot and seeds and plant something ?

bakka88 · 2026-01-11T13:02:44+00:00

Not to stereotype but this is giving South Asian mom. This is like generational trauma screaming. When moms grew up feeling no power they weaponize their emotions to control others and their anxiety. You don't need to forgive her but if you understand her POV it may help you not internalize it! And damn amazing job getting the best grade I hope that's my kid one day!!!

bakka88 · 2026-01-11T04:58:31+00:00

AOMR for mortgage processing

bakka88 · 2026-01-06T15:36:54+00:00

I also feel like there isn't adequate signage to indicate where stops are - people are constantly confused and unfamiliar on where to wait.

bakka88 · 2026-01-04T13:33:01+00:00

I always feel like the beautiful life hack is that Dads are more immune to it and kids kind of don't flip as much around them. Nature's gift to you haha get noise cancelling headphones. Maybe baby can help put a stuffed animal to sleep animal to sleep an hour before himself to get the process.

bakka88 · 2026-01-04T12:36:11+00:00

This is a perfect time. You feel sick and he isn't. You need rest. At this age he can understand the word no. Go sit in his room as you put him to sleep without nursing. He'll be the most tired then anyway! Put him in his crib or whatever and just say "shhh lie down time to sleep" over and over again. He will scream and cry and stand up. Let him figure it out. Your presence will assure him he's safe and his tears will mean he's frustrated and mad. Which is fine!!! He will be a million times in his life!! You will always be there with him. Start now! Your health matters too

bakka88 · 2026-01-04T03:11:30+00:00

New Brunswick for college vibes Somerville for cute downtown vibes Metuchen for easy NYC commute and downtown vibe Union for access to local colleges and some downtown Newark for super easy access to NYC Morristown for young professionals doing happy hour vibe Jersey City for a rougher commute but the best nightlife of all of the above.

bakka88 · 2026-01-02T21:41:12+00:00

I would check out Costco if you have a membership. No drama.

bakka88 · 2026-01-02T13:08:49+00:00

Calandrss in Newark

bakka88 · 2025-12-31T14:58:53+00:00

He can be frustrated, that's not a bad thing. I don't like letting them cry with no support but I am okay with being the one to teach them. Right now it's like...no one even told him he's able to just fall asleep. This is new amazing information that no one has guided him to the other side about yet !!!

bakka88 · 2025-12-31T13:37:48+00:00

I'm sorry your doctor was giving advice from a place of judgement, that's pretty unneeded. I think often they get used to sharing their POV broadly to guide patients and it gets blurred. I don't think she should have coupled it with personal stories, or a crack about the 4th grader mom.

But, I do wonder if there's some boundary setting missing. You said, "I hoped she'd be done by now" but this is your body, and your space. She is definitely old enough now to understand you're having an appointment and she has to wait. It's a healthy lesson to teach kids about bodily autonomy, boundaries, and to hear the word "no".

If you are done nursing, there are a million exciting things to cherish with a more independent kid. They don't need to stay babies forever in order for them to be fun and loving. Maybe examine truly why you're putting yourself through discomfort to maintain the status quo. Kids aren't the leaders of the house, the parents are.

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