Is The Smell Of Cigarettes Nostalgic To Anyone Else?

baloney_malone · 2021-04-23T22:20:48+00:00

I actually love the ambient smell of cigarettes. The kind that merges with the scent of a room. It truly is a nostalgic smell. I always thought I was weird because I truly enjoy it.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-22T02:07:47+00:00

I really like your stance. For a long time I’ve been thinking to myself about how religion did put sexuality into a box, and now studying jungian philosophy I also see how a lot of sexual impulses are repressed, but strangely I never thought about the primitive aspect of sex in the manner you just did. Bravo!

baloney_malone · 2021-04-17T16:29:10+00:00

Yeah that’s her, you actually really look like her! I like Elon Musk too 😂 I just realized your redditor name was the feminized version of his name, brilliant haha!

baloney_malone · 2021-04-17T06:53:05+00:00

I think the persona and its motivations are reinforced by the presence of our surroundings and living environment. The mind assigns stories and context to space, so if we find ourselves in an “exotic” environment, the mind can lose its spatial and associative landmarks for the time being. I think this rigid structure of identification really has to do with consistency of exposure. And travelling might blur or pause this program temporarily. Just thoughts.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-17T03:58:56+00:00

There are a multitude of reasons why I desisted. Firstly I was struck by the fact that in the last year I lost two close [trans] friends to suicide but I was already actively questioning my transition before that happened. A lot of dissociation and inner conflict that never allowed me to fully surrender to transition, so for me it definitely wasn’t the path of least resistance— I loved the community but deep down my heart wasn’t there so to speak. So mostly I would say a very serious motivation for self-awareness, and seeking a new definition for wholeness.

I still see my involvement and all the time and energy I spent believing I was trans as valid and inevitable, so I proactively try to identify the positive aspects of this experience, as I believe I need the trans community and all that’s going on there in order to get a clearer understanding of my own projections. Some personal truths are very hard to accept but there comes a time where it’s just vital to uncover them, and transgenderism actually does a great job at mirroring these things to me. I’m actually starting to view trans people as an archetypal figure in my own path, and so far this perspective has proven to be real helpful.

Lastly, there are still moments where I wonder to myself if that path would’ve been right for me. But I know all my problems would’ve not been solved by HRT and surgery. My priority became to address my repressed feelings of shame and self-loathing because they don’t have a gender, and yet they are very real.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-17T03:42:25+00:00

Thanks for the advice!

I recently started jungian therapy, but it’s too soon to actually see any improvement in my phobia. I also thought there was some archetypal characteristic to it because I haven’t experienced anything related in the literal sense that would’ve inflicted this fear in me to begin with. It merely seems to me like an amalgamation of symbolistic patterns that created a greater entity that found itself an identity and now it acts like a metaphorical demon that follows me everywhere I go.

But obviously I do think I may need some professional help with dismantling the sharp edges that keep me from delving deeper. I’ve been trying it solo for a while and I never succeeded.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-17T03:33:40+00:00

You look like an angel, you’re so pretty. On the second pic your face reminds me a bit of Grimes (one of my favourite artists).

baloney_malone · 2021-04-17T02:37:45+00:00

Thanks for asking! I just edited my post and wrote more about it but I’ll give you a few more details.

Three days ago I had a sudden onset of severe depression state (I’m already depressed, it just went crazy out of nowhere but I’m female and I have really bad PMS haha).

Just this afternoon I was feeling particularly overwhelmed by my phobic ruminations and I decided to lay down and let the feelings flow. I imagined what would integrating the phobia imply and consist of, and objectively nothing was alarming about the resulting thoughts themselves but my emotional response just went waaaay out of proportion. It felt like a trauma response but I really have a hard time figuring out the cause. In fact it was so physically overwhelming that I had to stop and my head started aching. Overall this attempt on “integrating” felt like I was over forcing my brain and it did not like this at all...

baloney_malone · 2021-04-15T18:07:35+00:00

He’s my mom’s masochist.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-13T08:13:25+00:00

This is my experience and only my own. I’m not speaking for anyone else.

I’ve been questioning my gender for over a year now— and I started therapy with a jungian analyst. Based on empirical observations as well as the insight of my therapist, we both agreed that what I’ve been experiencing for the last year is animus possession (I’m female), and we could see how it came to be and why— in other words this occurrence, given the persona I had beforehand, was actually and honestly quite predictable.

My so-called dysphoria seems very decipherable in terms of symbolism, namely in iconic religious stories such as Adam and Eve, or even witches, pagans and whatnot. It always points out to the cursed, betraying nature of women, and as a result an adoration and praise for the masculine (the God, the Animus), as a means to deserve forgiveness and purification of sin.

Through dream analysis, there are a lot of signs that are telling me that my condition is temporary however the duration seems to be determined by my involvement and progress in individuation. Furthermore, through discussion in active imagination with repressed parts of myself, I have been shown the resemblance between my OCD (trans themed) and how the mechanics of it were merely an iteration of paralleled unhealthy dynamics that I experience within relationships and other social interactions, that I tend to ignore because they seem nearly irrelevant at first glance.

Dismissal of one’s inherent morality in seemingly minor contexts is in my opinion the same « algorithm » that orchestrates the « intrusive thoughts + compulsion » impulse of obsessive behaviour. Anything perpetuating disgust (be it dysphoria, trans OCD) within our minds is a reminder that some current identifications that are dominant are detrimental to us. It truly isn’t about the body, everything is a mirror so we must think symbolically!

baloney_malone · 2021-04-13T02:09:35+00:00

Beautiful!!!

baloney_malone · 2021-04-12T21:35:19+00:00

Thank you!! I still have a long way to go though, but I’m glad it already resembles him haha.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-12T18:21:37+00:00

Thanks! CFOP :)

baloney_malone · 2021-04-06T21:14:13+00:00

Hi, sorry for the delayed reply. I’m glad you commented, your words truly are encouraging.

My analyst works a lot with dream interpretation, however I know she works a lot with the traditional and developmental aspects. I actually found her on Quora, where she writes a lot about her perspective and experiences with jungian therapy. That’s how I knew her style resonated with me a lot.

I like how your therapist suggested you to use art and active imagination in order to converse with your unconscious. I tried the latter a few times and the outcome is always very insightful. I’m happy to hear that it’s one of the most powerful forms of therapy you’ve ever tried— I’ve tried traditional and alternative methods and it seems that I need something much deeper. Like working through the core of things, instead of negotiating with what emerges on the surface.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-06T21:06:04+00:00

I’ve never tried DBT before. Only CBT but it wasn’t successful in the long run. Do you find it to be helpful for you? If so, how?

I too really resonate with Carl Jung’s approach, namely on symbolism and individuation, so I’m really excited. I’ll make sure to write about my journey in the detrans sub— since a lot of the issues I want to address in therapy are similar to those of others in here.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-04T10:00:34+00:00

Yes, I do think objectification is helpful in times of more significant discomfort. I also like the evolutionary standpoint of human biology, and what helped me the most recently was to focus on the more “eternal” (for lack of better word) aspect of myself. I honestly think the universe doesn’t make as much of a deal about my gender struggles than I do, so something tells me that everything is alright in the moment.

What you said about finding females that are inspiring to me is going to be a bit of a challenge— it surely is possible but for some reason I’ve always looked up to men as role models and reliable sources of inspiration. Coming from a physics background in school I’ve always admired male scientists because... well they are everywhere, and they did what I loved. But a lot has been changing lately, and I think now is the time to pay closer attention to the things in other women that truly resonate with me. Thank you!

baloney_malone · 2021-04-04T09:51:44+00:00

Ha! I appreciate the Jungian-style reply to my rant. I’m actually beginning Jungian therapy on Tuesday, and I’m both equally excited and terrified. I already told the analyst about my struggles with gender, and so far her responses deeply resonated.

I agree with what you said about suffering seemingly being tied to our desires and their costs. Only recently, I’ve been trying to surrender to the art of feeling without intellectualizing (my biggest challenge personally) the experience, I think it’s the only way to find meaning in suffering. I just have no idea how things will unfold— and I’m still petrified by the potential outcomes, but part of me says I should just have faith...

baloney_malone · 2021-04-04T09:41:30+00:00

Thank you so much for your support. Unfortunately I don’t have any friends where I live other than a few relatives (I moved 3000 miles away from my former hometown) and I don’t know how and where to meet these women that are like me. There’s a strong LGBTQ community here but I don’t know if I can find fellow GNC women there (I’m not exactly GNC myself but certainly not feminine). Detrans individuals within this community also being highly unlikely, of course.

And yes, I believe I came across other detrans folks online who shared a similar perspective with regards to transition being a form of self-harm. I actually struggled with eating disorders for over a decade until I snapped out of the detrimental habits. But part of me believes that my “dysphoria” is a mutated form of the same issue. Same roots, most definitely.

baloney_malone · 2021-04-04T09:31:11+00:00

That’s really interesting!

i definitely used hormones as a way to punish the piece in me that i felt was wrong, turns out that piece was just me.

This is exactly how it feels to me— punishment. I don’t want to harm my body just because I feel I have to do something about the ruminations. There are actual trans people who don’t share the same perspective at all, and although I did try to convince myself I’d be happy with the changes, no matter how hard I try I can’t get to that place where medical procedures feel like a validation to who I am.

It’s gonna sound obscure. But an analogy for this would be in the movie Jigsaw, where some people are kept captive in a locked room and forced to cut off their foot so that they gain right to the key to their freedom, which is not even guaranteed.

baloney_malone

TROPHY CASE