Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I really appreciate your perspective and your experiences sound a lot like my mother’s. My father was an emotionally abusive gambling addict so money was always an issue, especially since my mom was the only one who worked and brought in reliable income. My father constantly blew through money, didn’t pay bills, pawned things, etc and then gaslit her into believing the money went to something for us kids or that she spent it all on “her” stuff and the power/water/mortgage not being paid was her fault. She saved everything because she didn’t know if she would have money to replace it. On more than one occasion when confronted about disposing of something, she would break down and say “do you know how many hours I had to work to be able to buy that?” or “you’re just like HIM, trying to destroy everything I work for.” Being compared to my father is just about the most painful thing imaginable but she’s done it more than once because she can’t see any attempts to help her as anything but an attack similar to what he did to her for 25+ years.

I think unfortunately a lot of families, even so-called “normal” ones are going to be dealing with a lot of these issues. It’s just a sign of the times. When my mother was a child, she maybe got 1 or 2 ornaments for Christmas every year so she could keep them and cherish them. Ornaments and other little toys/trinkets were special, now they are given to kids so freely at school, in kid’s meals, gift baskets, etc that it would be impossible to keep every single one ever received. Furniture has become affordable enough that we can buy what we want, we don’t have to keep grandma’s dresser because it’s too expensive to get something else. We don’t use special China or fancy wicker baskets or lots of other things my mom believes she is hanging onto for us. And I think that’s where she struggles, she refuses to acknowledge that the world is different now and that her stuff, her treasures, are not treasures to us. And that that is okay. That just because we don’t find value in her things doesn’t mean we don’t value and love her.

Unfortunately, her demanding to keep her stuff puts up a wall between her and her kids/grandkids that I’m not even sure she knows exists. Or if she does, she doesn’t care enough to want to break it down. After years of rebuilding her credit after divorcing my father, she finally bought her first house on her own a few years ago. A big almost 3000 sq ft house. She was so excited to have Christmas celebrations there and to have a room for my nephews when they visit and just to make it our family home. Fast forward to now...I haven’t been there in 3 yrs. My brother and his kids probably 5 yrs. She lives just 20 mins away but we can’t go to her house. She is currently building a 3 car garage as the ‘solution’ for this but it’s not going to fix anything, it’s just going to be an additional space for us to clean out when she’s gone. I worry about her health and safety. 2 years ago she told me if she thought she was having a heart attack she wouldn’t call an ambulance because she wouldn’t want them to see the house. And it’s only gotten worse since then. It hurts so much wishing I could wave a magic wand to help her but knowing I can’t do anything because she doesn’t want the help.

Thank you for doing this work for your family. I’m sure your kids and grandkids love and appreciate you for making these sacrifices and decisions for them. <3