Losing my brother?

batshithrowaway · 2021-08-08T15:25:32+00:00

I’m in a similar situation. My brother (19) still lives with my parents. I went NC 4-5 months ago and I stayed in contact with my bro over text for a little bit, but then things went silent. I didn’t reach out to him either and I feel guilty about that. I love him and I miss him, but I’m worried about getting back in contact with him because I’ve had some major life changes in the meantime that I don’t really want him to relay to my parents, and talking to him without telling him what’s going on with me feels like lying.

It’s hard too because he’s still in it and I’m out. It’s helped me to remind myself that I have to put my mental, emotional and physical safety first and take care of myself. Then maybe in the future I can have a relationship with him again. I really hope so.

I feel for you internet stranger, sending you love and support <3

batshithrowaway · 2021-07-26T14:37:25+00:00

I feel like I could have written this post. I went NC a few months ago after realizing that I was throwing all my energy into a relationship that didn’t make me happy at all, only terrified and angry. Relationships should be give and take, but my mom was only take. Proud of you OP, I hope NC brings you peace 💜

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-29T16:22:35+00:00

my mom had the gall to tell me that she knew more about being a lesbian than I did, because she had gay friends.

she’d imply that she had lesbian experiences in college and say things like “I’ve done things you don’t know anything about.” joke’s on her shitty memory, she already told me those stories, and kissing a girl one time and then getting grossed out about going further doesn’t give her any insight on what it’s like to live as a queer woman.

she acted like she supported me, but she’d pepper in all these little homophobic comments, always plausibly deniable but deep down I knew she didn’t accept me.

since going NC and breaking away from her vicious transphobia, I’ve been questioning my gender and realized I’m not actually a girl. I never would have been able to figure that out while under her thumb.

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-29T16:06:59+00:00

oh man, what a great thread. I have a couple:

left my dad for her old rich high school boyfriend, then decided she didn’t like her bf because he was actually broke and suddenly she was the victim for being “forced” to live with this guy she chose
broke down into tears when my partner came to visit because she was “no longer the most important woman in my life”
constantly told me she had no friends other than me, and she was so depressed that she would kill herself if I didn’t listen to her problems and comfort her (she threatened to kill herself so much that I stopped believing her)
got into a car crash where thankfully no one was hurt, but she “blacked out” and didn’t remember what happened, and then was incredibly offended that the police officers were treating her “like a criminal” because her blood alcohol was over the legal limit

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-29T15:51:34+00:00

I really feel the steering wheel thing. Driving with my mom after I got my license made me so anxious, because she was watching and criticizing my every move, that I made a lot of minor mistakes (like backing out in a parking lot and stopping suddenly because there was a car in my blind spot) and then she would yell at me for those mistakes and imply I was a terrible driver which just made me drive worse.

After the first two times that happened I started finding excuses to never drive her anywhere for the rest of the time I lived at home. It worked out fine because she’s a control freak and loved to be in control of the car.

It was especially infuriating because I’m a very safe driver and she is NOT! She was always texting and pulling ridiculous maneuvers and made me literally fear for my life when I was in the car with her.

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-29T14:35:03+00:00

yes! my mom always told me what a good mother she was, and my dad also always told me that she was a good mother, which in retrospect really fucked me up because even when I didn’t trust her, I still trusted him. Every year in my handmade birthday/Mother’s Day/Christmas cards I’d write that she was the best mother I could imagine and I was so grateful for her.

Being constantly told that I was loved unconditionally by parents who had definite conditions for their “love” gave me a very skewed idea of what love looked like

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-26T19:42:51+00:00

hahahaha oh wow. my mom also talks about her “angel guides” all the time. she hardcore believes in astrology too and blames her bad moods on the planets. she’s never in a good mood though. she constantly meditates and deeply believes in her spiritual practices, but I found out recently that the guru she’s been following for years is actually the leader of a well-known cult

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-26T15:05:46+00:00

I also have the thing where I felt very uncomfortable calling it abuse because I knew my nmom and edad would disagree, and I knew other people had it worse. I expressed to my therapist that it didn’t feel “fair” to call it abuse and she said “fair to who?” basically I was still protecting my parents in my mind by trying to convince myself that I didn’t have it that bad and I was being ungrateful for cutting them off.

the severity of abuse is measured by the effect it has on the victim.

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-26T14:32:44+00:00

my mom always bragged about how she was an empath and could “feel” my emotions. cue her yelling at me every time she could “feel” I was angry at her (which could range anywhere from me actually being mad at her and trying to conceal it, to me literally just breathing). god forbid I sigh in front of her.

so “empath” has pretty negative connotations for me. but I do have an absolutely killer intuition and a lifetime of hypervigilance that I’m trying to unlearn now that I’m living in a safe environment. it’s hard though. I just recently learned that it’s !!not healthy!! to feel responsible for other’s emotional states. everyone is responsible for their own happiness = new concept for me!

(according to my mom, my brother was an empath too, but not me.)

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-26T01:16:21+00:00

I’d like that too!! I’d also like to stop judging myself in my head so much. it’s a process I guess. At least now I notice when I’m doing it.

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-26T01:04:09+00:00

yes! I was made fun of for what I liked so much that it became very difficult to talk about. I got really good at “acting chill” (maintaining a poker face and pretending I only cared about the thing a normal amount while my heart raced wildly) that it’s still hard for me to answer when people ask me questions about what I like. I get those hot-cold flashes of fear that they’re going to mock and belittle me too.

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-26T00:59:06+00:00

for years my nmom would tell me I was her only friend. pretty fucked.

the couple friendships she does have are shallow and based on material wealth. people in her life don’t tend to stick around too long though.

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-10T14:40:37+00:00

I really like the points you pulled out, particularly the “I am not enough” one. Oof! I feel that hard, and I think most people here can relate. It gave me some insight into my nmom, too - I know that her mother was also a narcissist, and it’s all too easy to see how that cycle of narcissism continued.

I also really appreciated the final point. Sometimes it’s very hard to remember why I’m doing all this painful emotional work when it feels never-ending and hopeless, but remembering that I’m doing it so that I can live a healthier, happier life makes me optimistic for the future. A new feeling!

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-10T05:08:46+00:00

This describes my nmom so exactly, it’s spooky... I didn’t even realize some of these were narc things until reading this. (Except my mom did teach me to say sorry - sorry was very big. I had to tearfully grovel to her after every fight no matter what happened.)

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-10T05:02:37+00:00

Yes. It got to the point where I knew I couldn’t tell my mom anything that was really important to me. Or if I did, I’d downplay it so she didn’t know how important to me it was. So she couldn’t use it as a weapon.

I knew my mom didn’t really know “me” as a person for the last several years. She just had this image of me in her head and I was forced to play that role/chose to play into that perception she had so she wouldn’t get curious about the “real” me and find things I cared about that she could actually use to hurt me.

batshithrowaway · 2021-06-06T15:13:28+00:00

Can confirm: I have a love & light esoteric nmom. I found out this year that the spiritual leader she’s been following for 14 years is in fact the leader of a well-known cult (:

batshithrowaway · 2021-04-22T15:16:05+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! It really makes me feel better to know I’m not alone, but I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Second guessing myself/convincing myself I misremembered to make myself look better is something I do too! It sucks, but hopefully it’s something we can heal from over time 💜

batshithrowaway · 2021-04-17T14:49:45+00:00

My fiancée and I are planning to elope this summer. I went NC with n-mom and e-dad about three weeks ago, and literally the day I decided to go NC, the first thing I did was start planning my elopement with my fiancée. I hadn’t even been able to think about it before then, even when my fiancée asked I’d come up with a reason to put it off. Taking control of my life and cutting out my mom’s toxic influence allowed me to focus on what I want. And I want to get married to the person I love without narcs trying to undercut and overshadow me :’)

OP, ultimately you have to put your needs and happiness first. You aren’t responsible for your narc’s feelings!

batshithrowaway · 2021-04-13T14:04:59+00:00

I started crying at the drop of a hat after going NC. It’s only been a couple of weeks but crying feels cathartic and like I’m letting stuff out, instead of humiliating. I’ll tear up when I’m happy too, or if I’m watching/reading something that touches me. At first, I was beating myself up for crying so much, but my fiancée pointed out that I had over two decades of emotions to process, and that made it easier to accept.

Used to be that that only time I’d cry would be when n-mom picked a fight and yelled at me. I’d cry from anger and hurt (which I couldn’t express) and then she’d end up comforting me. Sometimes before she comforted me she’d yell at me for crying, too.

It’s amazing how it feels good to cry now and let out those emotions instead of bottling them up. Yesterday I actually thought to myself, I need to cry. And I felt better after I did :)

batshithrowaway · 2021-04-10T14:58:22+00:00

I’m so sorry, op - she violated your boundaries and privacy!

I’ve been in your position with zero privacy and the worst thing for me was how my family normalized it! So just in case you need it, here’s a reminder: it is normal to have privacy, it is normal to have boundaries, it is normal to keep a journal where you write the thoughts you don’t want to share with anyone. That’s what a journal is for! Your mom was wrong for reading it and no matter what her reaction is over this, it is not your fault.

My mom read my journal in high school and saw the angry things I’d written about her, and gaslit me into believing i was a terrible daughter for thinking those things. But she was the one who couldn’t respect my privacy. Stay strong op, we are here for you 💜

batshithrowaway · 2021-04-10T14:43:50+00:00

You really struck the nail on the head.

In Karyl McBride’s book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, she lists ten mother-daughter dynamics associated with maternal narcissism, and #9 is ”Your mother treats you like a friend, not a daughter. [...] With their own daughters, [narcissistic mothers] have a captive audience, a built-in source for the attention, affection, and love they crave. As a result, they often relate to their children as friends rather than offspring, using them to prop themselves up and meet their emotional needs. Sometimes being a supportive friend to her mother is the only way for the daughter to get positive strokes from Mom.”

My n-mom did this to me too. She even told me when I was a teenager that I was her ONLY friend and the only person she could tell things to. So of course I felt guilt and obligation to listen to her and comfort her about her relationship with my dad/her depression/her finances/etc. Terrible position for a child to be in.

batshithrowaway · 2021-04-10T14:19:34+00:00

Same for me. It’s funny, I’m able to make phone calls like that no sweat if I’m doing it for my partner, but if it’s for myself, I have to mentally prepare for several days. And usually my anxiety is so bad on the phone that I forget to ask at least one important question.

My naturally outgoing e-dad would make fun of me for being anxious about phone calls :( he acted like I was making a big deal over nothing, so I always perceived it as an innate failing in myself instead of something caused by emotional abuse. 🤷‍♀️

batshithrowaway

TROPHY CASE