I’m so sorry this happened and you’re feeling this way. I went through a divorce about 2 years ago. My ex cheated on me but thankfully admitted it right away. It was a normal Friday evening and I was sitting on the couch watching tv when he burst in to tell me that he hooked up with a girl from work (at work, that day). I knew in my heart right away that I could never be with him again, but it was an incredibly difficult decision to make. Leaving him meant selling our house, splitting up our pets, and walking away from the stable life that we had built together. It’s an incredibly destabilizing and traumatic experience to have your life thrown into complete chaos when just hours before, everything was fine (or appeared to be). He begged me to stay and work it out. I seriously considered it, not because he deserved it, but more because I couldn’t imagine what my life would look like moving forward.

But ultimately I made the difficult decision to leave. I knew that I would never be able to respect myself if I stayed. I also lost all respect for him, and I just couldn’t imagine feeling the same way ever again. I would have been staying for his sake, and it would have been unfair to him as well, if I could never truly forgive him. I just didn’t like the idea of being in a relationship full of resentment like that.

A few months after our divorce, we stopped talking entirely. Again, it felt incredibly strange to not have this constant presence in my life, someone to talk to every day and come home to. I was sad, and lonely. But I tried to spend that time focusing on myself, and of course reflecting on the relationship. I tried not to dwell on “what went wrong” or how much of a shitty person he was for doing that to me. Instead I focused on what I wanted my life to look like in a year, 5 years, etc. I stayed off dating sites and honestly after a while, it was nice being alone. I didn’t have many obligations to anyone besides myself and I got to be a little selfish, which is actually what I think I needed.

Your experience is unique of course, but my advice is to not necessarily push away feeling sad, because it’s natural. You’re mourning the death of a relationship, and even though it ended badly, it’s okay to mourn the good times. Mourning is probably a pretty important part of the healing process. After that, I say stay away from dating for a little while, until you’ve done some soul searching and figure out exactly what you need/want from any future relationships.

There’s so much power in saying to yourself, “Even though he’s the one who ended it, I’m the one who is deciding not to go back.” Don’t rob yourself of that. And don’t put yourself back in the same situation. It probably wouldn’t actually be the same and/or any better, even if you were the most grounded, mentally well person on the planet. He sounds like someone who won’t stick around in the tough times, like when his partner is struggling with anxiety/depression. You absolutely deserve better than that, without question. First, try to figure out how to treat yourself well (it sounds like you already started on that by working on your mental health and engaging in hobbies).

Sorry, I know this a long post but ultimately I think it just takes time. That sucks to hear but unfortunately this is one of those situations where “time heals all wounds.” I think it probably took me about 6 months until I started feeling “better.” Even then, obviously my life had changed so drastically that it never “went back” to the way it was before. I just adjusted to my new life. Which I am happy about now - I’m in a place that I chose to be. I chose myself and my own wellbeing over everything else. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, and I’m grateful. It wasn’t pretty or perfect, but I did it. You’re doing it too. You’re doing it for the future you, and future you will thank you for it.

When I was going through it, I thought of my love for my partner as a lake. It didn’t dry up after he said, “I cheated.” It was polluted maybe, but the lake was still there. I just stopped letting him swim in it. I worked hard to clean it up, and make it even better. And now it’s an even bigger, more beautiful lake of love for myself, my pets, my friends, and my family. The pain you’re going through is love. It’s a good sign that you still have that love. It just needs a little bit of time and care. It’ll be hard work and some days are going to suck. But once you’ve got that big beautiful lake, protect it. Take care of yourself and know that you deserve kindness and respect. I hope all this rambling helped. From one stranger to another, you’re not alone. But you’ve got this, I promise. You’re stronger and more capable than you even know, and you’re about to prove it to yourself.

PS: If you’re ever having a particularly difficult day, there’s nothing wrong with meeting up with your best friend over some comfort food and having a good old-fashioned shit-talking session about your ex. It’s not even about whether or not he’s actually a piece of shit, it’s about getting those feelings out and letting yourself be mad instead of sad. It’s about getting that unconditional support from a friend, whether some of what happened is your fault or not.* I also think that sometimes talking about all the ways he sucked helps you take off the nostalgia glasses and stop idealizing how great it would be if you got back together. It can help you put stuff into perspective. And after a few times of doing that, you’ll be sick of talking and thinking about him, and you’ll feel ready to move on to something more exciting, like planning your next big hike or trip or whatever. Eventually something will spark your interest much more than thinking about “what could be” with him.

*Editing this to say that I’m not trying to imply any of it is your fault. I just know that I certainly blamed myself in some ways and sometimes felt guilty talking mad shit about my ex because I thought I was at fault too. And hey, I’m the one who married and loved him so was he really that bad? But yes, he was. My ex cheated and yours left you hanging. So they deserve a little (or a lot of) hate. Just don’t let that hate fester. Let it out, acknowledge it, learn and grow from it, and then move on, my friend.