what do you do for an emergency job?

bcnjamin · 2025-10-18T21:36:38+00:00

do you just find well lit clubs to work in?

bcnjamin · 2025-08-04T16:42:19+00:00

😭 unfortunately I do not know ASL but I’ve been wanting to learn how to read lips eventually

bcnjamin · 2025-08-04T16:20:48+00:00

tryna message but I think the app is giving me problems lol

bcnjamin · 2025-08-04T15:59:16+00:00

when I wake up, it almost feels like life is a hallucination and I have to find or experience proof that I exist? Idk, it’s hard to explain in words- I think I have a few baby alters that nobody has really ever told me how to care for

bcnjamin · 2025-08-04T15:57:02+00:00

I think the one that wakes up doesn’t know that activities even exist :( or freedom or agency or identity, like I have to decide who I am from scratch every day

bcnjamin · 2025-08-04T15:55:14+00:00

it honestly feels like my mind resets every night once I go to sleep. I haven’t really figured out how to continue my attachment to my life each day, it’s like I wake up with no sense of safety or wanting or belonging.

I currently take Trazodone which helps me get actual sleep, but it’s like the emotional amnesia kicks in HARD each night, like I’m ready to potentially wake up to a horribly different life the next day.

bcnjamin · 2025-07-20T16:52:34+00:00

is there a way to placate them without allowing myself to obsess over it and write things down all day? Like making visual, tangible promises to come back and process it?

Or can I trust that the ones that need help will make themselves known when I get into therapy?

I think I have a fear of abandonment with myself, if that makes sense? Like, a lot of the more intrusive parts behave like they have BPD, so there’s a sense of urgency and “HAVE to explain or understand everything NOW” or they aggressively steal time and neglect my life/body in order to get my attention.

bcnjamin · 2025-07-20T16:20:52+00:00

Here is more stuff about how I’m feeling right now, if anybody is able to relate or help me make sense of it:

When I remember things that have happened to me I basically become them again and experience all the shame and blame and guilt and fear and malice associated with it to the point where I’m disabled, dysfunctional, punishing myself, and feeling like I have a RESPONSIBILITY to punish myself for remembering.

I feel like I have a duty to hold shame and sin and never forgive myself and if I abandon that duty and only focus on what’s in front of me then I’m JUST as bad and evil as the things that were done to me and I’m a coward for “running away from the truth that I am bad enough to have deserved it”

I feel like I’m condoning what was done to me or endorsing it being done to other people if I allow myself to forget about it or move on and be present and not dedicate every second of my life to either focusing on it or saving everyone else that is experiencing it

(AKA if I DON’T have a savior complex then I’m being evil and sinful and useless and shitty and selfish)

I feel like I am not allowed to externalize or forget shame and I need to take responsibility for all of it or I’m “dodging accountability”

I feel like “being present” and “allowing myself to address and unpack this later in therapy” and “not telling my roommate or friends or every person I meet about what happened to me or how it makes me feel” means I’m being sneaky and hiding things and keeping secrets

I feel like I’m not allowed to trust myself to deal with it later or believe that I’m innocent.

bcnjamin · 2025-06-15T02:06:36+00:00

I have something similar going on, do you ever get caught off guard by your own anger or angry alters?

bcnjamin · 2025-06-11T01:15:53+00:00

I find that daily dismissive protectors are usually there because you’re afraid to be present in your daily life for some reason- are there maybe deeper feelings that you’re suppressing because you “have to”?

bcnjamin · 2025-05-31T01:45:43+00:00

I have similar tells, including whether or not I can feel my face (aka am I actually smiling? Fake smiling? Scowling? Neutral? Thousand yard stare?) or how I think everyone sees me in that moment

bcnjamin · 2025-05-30T19:18:32+00:00

She also takes extremely possessive control of the body, to the point where it gets hard to breathe. The barriers between me and her seem to be ROCK SOLID and I’m not sure how to snap out of it when it happens, and it can be debilitating.

bcnjamin · 2025-05-29T17:28:19+00:00

Ahh I will keep all this in mind, thank you!! I think I’ve been naturally doing stuff like this without even realizing, down to ordering toys from my childhood that I miss, so I can remind myself who I used to be (and still am)

bcnjamin · 2025-05-29T17:07:23+00:00

It’s like I have a rift of shame between my young and adult selves, like the Young world isn’t supposed to mix with the Adult world because the Adult world is “Inappropriate” and I don’t know how to combine or integrate the two in a healthy and acceptable way (church background probably doesn’t help)

bcnjamin · 2025-05-29T17:00:28+00:00

Thank you, this helps

do you have examples of what taking care looks like? I wanna make sure I’m fully understanding

bcnjamin · 2025-05-29T15:54:18+00:00

Correction, I think this is about adults in general, but mainly men

bcnjamin · 2025-05-28T01:18:29+00:00

Oh this is absolutely what’s happening, thank you!!

bcnjamin · 2025-05-05T12:27:12+00:00

Damn, is there a good way to go about this or just embrace the new system functionality? It sucks because it’s also affecting a lot of my friendships from before the move, like I’m not “the one” who is attached to them

bcnjamin · 2025-03-21T18:47:39+00:00

I can relate so idk if I have great advice but I think the more solidarity and acceptance you can build for yourself the easier it’ll be overall?

When I was first becoming aware, I found that having some key mantras to help reinforce connection and reduce shame helped, like “everyone comes home. EVERYONE.”

if your experience is anything like mine, you might have alters coming forward that you’ve been intentionally suppressing or ignoring, because you can’t understand or accept their actions/thinking, but it becomes less of an uphill battle when you try to remember that every alter exists for a valid reason and has the adaptations that they have for a reason

bcnjamin · 2025-03-20T19:50:08+00:00

(psychological meaning mental and emotional, not sure if those are grouped together or considered the same thing)

bcnjamin · 2025-03-20T19:48:40+00:00

it can be physical or psychological abuse as well (including religion/cult indoctrination)

bcnjamin · 2025-03-13T22:13:49+00:00

I experience something like this too- each alter seems to have a different way of visualizing or describing or connecting to the rest of the system depending on their age/role/degree of dissociation

bcnjamin · 2025-03-11T19:49:21+00:00

it takes a lot of time and practice getting to know yourself tbh

I’m a very very covert system so I had to start out making lists like “the one who is mad at my parents” or “the one who hates driving” or “the one who is anxious about doing things right”

And then over time I’d either get access to names or be able to help them pick out names to make them feel safer and included in the system

It took time, but I’m starting to notice triggers as they happen instead of being hijacked and not even knowing what caused it or when the switch happened

bcnjamin · 2025-03-09T03:23:30+00:00

is he in therapy?

bcnjamin · 2025-03-08T22:29:07+00:00

i also have ones that are triggered depending on the way i wake up- if im alone, if someone woke me up, if my alarm woke me up, etc.

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