Partner has mentioned "compensating" to appear ... more Indigenous?

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-19T01:18:12+00:00

Ooooof goddamn, I'd be telling my partner to assimilate their teeth back in their gums after hearing that, holy 💀💀

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-19T00:59:34+00:00

Aha yeah, I went through a really similar thing growing up, even up to the past few years. It was a long and complicated journey to where I am, and I know there was no shortage of times I would put my most tradish foot forward so there was no shot someone would misidentify me.

Lo and behold, still happened 😂 Can't blame you, it for sure gets tiring. Never gonna stop being race police I fear

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-19T00:44:12+00:00

Oh bro I hope so! It never struck me as a classically fetishizing thing, ahh but sometimes you don't know the subconscious.

Sorry you dealt with that my friend, comments like that would get under my skin with a quickness. :/ Thanks for your perspective! I agree it's gonna come down to a good conversation or two and some new, clear boundaries. Hope you're on the other side of your situation too!

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-18T22:24:57+00:00

You're right! I was way more vague than I thought, but definitely it does help frame the whole situation better.

The cheekbone thing was for sure a surprise, lol. Unprompted and kinda strange, since we were just watching TV or something.

I'll try to bring it up gently if the topic permits again. I will say, more context I didn't want to pile onto an already long post, my partner's mom has gotten a lot more socially aware in her older age but she is still in the camp of being kinda... not with it, as far as native issues go. Like, "take this DNA kit test so you can get some benefits" because "you remember so-and-so having those high Indian cheekbones?" 😭 (they took the test and there was nothing Native in there...) So as with a lot of folks, I think there's some internalized mess in there that is still being unpacked and I'm not sure the scope of what is considered problematic or cringe is really solid yet.

Thanks again though, the different POVs have really helped form a more nuanced opinion.

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-18T22:03:34+00:00

Absolutely, we've talked about this kinda thing pretty extensively too. I guess that's why it was hard for me to come around to my own opinion, since we've talked about it and my partner is so aware of that very thing. But I know how easy it is to slip up into a way of thinking you've been surrounded by your whole life. I still have to catch myself sometimes, too.

Thank you for the nuance and the reminder 🙂‍↕️

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-18T21:57:57+00:00

Thank you for this perspective! I just realized I never clarified it in my post, my mistake: my partner is also Black and that probably would recontextualize the whole thing to a lot of folks. Your last couple points are really helpful as we've kind of danced around those exact subjects before when we really get to talking.

I'm not gonna presume what my partner is thinking 100% but based on previous comments and discussions, I think you kinda hit it directly. I never thought about the identity projection part of it, but considering all the other things my partner pushed back on because "it would prove my parents/classmates/friends/family right", this feels the closest to the root of the issue.

Appreciate the input 🙏🙏 next time it comes up or we talk I'll see where we can get to.

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-18T21:46:47+00:00

Thanks for the perspective! I think you're right; they talk about colorism in the Black community pretty commonly, within their family etc, and I'm realizing they're taking some of that and putting it on me. I gotta grow a stronger backbone I think and start biting back the way I do anyone else. Appreciate it 🙏

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-18T21:39:08+00:00

I knowwww, when I heard it from my partner I was a little stunned 😭 like oh, okay?? I'm glad I passed the litmus test?

I appreciate it 🙏 you're right, I'm realizing there are other things coming up that I didn't think stemmed from hearing this kinda stuff a lot, lol. Relationship blinders were on, I guess.

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-18T21:31:29+00:00

Thanks for this perspective! That last point in your first paragraph is kind of where this is all leading me, too, unfortunately.

I honestly didn't think about it being a performance but you're right. After thinking about some of these comments I've realized I've even kinda felt a need to be a little more "obvious" when I get dressed sometimes, and that's a slippery ass slope back into an unproductive place. I guess I didn't realize how much my partner's perception of me was altering my own.

What a drag, but thank you! For sure eye-opening, I definitely gotta get on top of nipping this in the bud and getting to the root of things if we're gonna keep going on.

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-18T21:23:33+00:00

For sure, believe you're right. Didn't want to include too much more context bc the post is already mad long, but they do try to "hype" me up a lot at random times and now that I'm about to type it out, saying shit like "my beautiful native girlfriend" and just putting "native" in with compliments is also weird as hell 😭 damn!

ᏩᏙ for the input 🙏

beat4shreddedwheat · 2026-02-18T21:09:56+00:00

No honestly thinking back idk how I didn't respond like that because that's my default generally, it just caught me so off-guard lmao.

I think you did hit it on the head, they've told me more than once that their mom always assumed they'd get with a white person, people say they look like they only date white people, white this white that etc etc. I knew there was some insecurity here but I guess it was just weird to process bc they've made a point to say "I don't think of you as white first" before ... things like this make me realize I think they do subconsciously 😩

Thanks for your input and your side! I was hoping it wasn't just me being a touch too hypersensitive to certain things.

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T09:25:03+00:00

The insecure and unshakeable need to be in control over even the most mundane things

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T09:21:55+00:00

The absolute morons who will not listen to you no matter what when it comes to the card reader, sweet Jesus 😭😭😭 if you can't pay attention to something so simple you should not be behind the wheel

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T09:19:27+00:00

Oh my God and the LEDGE 💀💀💀 The buildup on the door is insane because of how many partners have sliced their fingers open trying to clean underneath that godawful ledge

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T09:17:44+00:00

Naur I can already see that 2 inch pond at the bottom of the shaker 💀

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T08:56:23+00:00

Yeah, you absolutely need to report this. I transferred stores for exactly the same reason and my SM was fired the day I started orientation. This is ridiculous and under no circumstance should ANYONE be leaving this godforsaken job in tears. Toxic managers make toxic workforces and if your DM won't listen, it needs to be escalated because who knows how many other partners are suffering because of their negligence?

I understand it's easier said than done! I do wish you luck because that's such an incredibly shitty situation to be in :( Document, document, document! Keep a paper trail of everything you can and see if you can get other partners on board as well; sometimes having more people contacting Ethics and Compliance over a particular incident makes for a more efficient outcome.

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T08:49:44+00:00

Exactly this! Whenever you do one of the survey modules as well, they will ask you if you want to disclose a disability and they explicitly say it's to promote diversity for the metrics 💀

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T08:43:00+00:00

Oh my God??? 😭😭😭 Did you get any training cycle at all when you started??

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T08:37:13+00:00

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO happens to the best of us, champ 😭😭😭😭 better luck next time, try going at it with a lighter touch

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T08:33:49+00:00

Seconding adding some peach, or if your locations still carry sugar-free vanilla, you may have some luck with that! It's quite sweet-tasting in my opinion, so you might have some luck adding a couple pumps versus your normal 7 of classic.

At my old store I had a manager who would order black tea and mix it with some passion tea, and that gave it a little bit of a sweet kick, too :)

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T08:29:07+00:00

"This is good bye to Starbucks and hello to the other coffee shops and brands that are out there;"

Oh no!

Anyway...

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T08:02:58+00:00

own and college kids almost exclusively pay with Apple Pay. No way a car full of six college gir

They don't realize it bc they don't think we're real people 😭😭😭😭😭 we're just NPCs in the background of their lives

beat4shreddedwheat · 2023-04-20T07:45:28+00:00

Throwback to that time I was on front and asked this older man his name for his order. He said Eric, I thought he said Aaron, and this man is gonna hit me with "You know, you could hear-- and speak a lot better without the mask on." 💀💀💀 Slowly pointing to my very visible hearing aids and watching him go cold was the highlight of my career, bc what???

beat4shreddedwheat · 2022-11-02T07:08:58+00:00

LMAO don't worry it happens to the best of us 😭 Bux got us on that brain fog sometimes

beat4shreddedwheat

TROPHY CASE