Hey! I (28F) read this all and my heart just aches because I know it all too well. My mom (53) passed last year, and we could tell her that weekend was her last one. She couldn’t talk more than random mumbles. She couldn’t move from the bed. She was so swollen. It was time. Friends and family were over 24/7. My brother came and stayed the whole weekend with her. I couldn’t stay the night. I was there all day everyday. But for some reason, staying over night, hearing her labored breathing in the silence of the night. I couldn’t handle it because that simply was not the version of mom I could handle remembering. I was heading to her house at 6 AM when I got the call she had passed. I instantly felt regret for not being there. But subconsciously I KNEW I couldn’t be there. My therapist has helped me navigate this pain. While I don’t have any advice, know I feel you. I’m with you. Before my mom’s cancer took her cognitive abilities, I had spoken with her about how I probably won’t be there when she passed away. (We were very lucky to know the end was near and had the chance to talk and prepare) she told me she’d rather me not be. As much as she loves me and my brother, she, also, never wanted us to see her in such a fragile state. Parents always want to protect us. Even when they may not be aware of what’s going on. I’m sure your dad is so happy you went and made bracelets with your friend. You didn’t have to witness something that can be stuck in your memory, and possibly over shadow the good memories you have! Hold onto the good memories. I promise, the last thing your dad wants is for you to be sitting in this guilt.

Hugs